I was still at a loss as to why Val had taken me under her wing with such force when we had met, but it was exactly the thing that I had needed at the time. I wasn't the one to make advances on anybody, and not really the type to take them either. Val was different, but what made her so different was that she had decided to be. She had grabbed me with two hands and hadn't let me go. Not that there was much holding required, I was quite happy to be there in her grasp.
But why had she picked me? Why did she tolerate my uncertainty, my inexperience and my overall awkwardness, I could never tell. I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, but a brain usually does what it wants regardless of any wishes from the conscious mind. So I couldn't help but feel afraid, inferior. Sometimes to the point where I was sure that she'd grow bored of me and ditch me, so I was afraid to get too attached even if my heart ached for it. I feared that I was throwing my happiness away just so it couldn't be taken away.
But it all changed when I was in bondage by her. The troubles just melted and I knew I was in a safe place, because I was under her complete power and she couldn't leave me. She had placed me there, our interaction was based on supreme trust. She couldn't leave me and I couldn't do anything to make her leave me. I don't think I could've survived the first months knowing Val without it.
It was by no means the only reason I liked it, though. It felt euphoric in and of itself, but the additional stuff about our relationship just multiplied the pleasure. She had lead me very slowly into the world of bondage and had continued with the same relaxed pace. After our explosive first foray into it, she hadn't done anything much more complicated. She had tied me up some more, adding some additional elements like tying my ankles the same way she tied my wrists, but nothing much beyond that. I appreciated the slow approach, but admittedly I had started to grow more impatient to explore this side about me. But I wasn't going to push Val. On anything. Partly it was because I was scared to trigger anything that might make her abandon me and partly it was because I felt pretty submissive towards her and tended to just follow her lead.
And here we were, lying besides each other, watching some mindnumbingly average early evening television yet again. She had her hand inside my shirt, slowly tracing her fingers around my nipple as she often did. She still wasn't a fan of me not wearing a bra, but she did seem to enjoy the access it provided. I was just having trouble getting the kicks out of it that I normally did. I was being overwhelmed by all of the doubts that had been brewing inside me for the past several weeks. Being with her had usually helped with it, but now it felt like it was just getting worse.
I tried to concentrate on the program on the television as hard as I tried, but I couldn't help but feel this swell of desperate emotions wash over me. And before I realised, I was crying in Val's lap. She immediately raised us to a sitting position and she was looking at me with concern. I tried to say something to her, but couldn't. She hugged me when she saw it. Unfortunately that made me feel even more vulnerable and I cried harder. I had so much going inside me and I wanted to tell all of it to Val right that second, but I couldn't. I was too vulnerable. I was too scared. What if it turned out I was right?
"What's wrong?" she asked. "Is something going on?"
I tried answering, but I managed to only let out an unintelligible squeak, which made her hug me even tighter. She started caressing my hair and her gentle touch seemed to finally start calming me down. It took several minutes, but I felt like I finally would be able to talk. Val seemed to sense that and let me go of her embrace.
She turned the TV off and looked at me, expecting me to start talking. I wanted to, but I really would've preferred it if she had started instead of waiting for me. She probably thought this would be easier for me, but it was exactly the opposite. It took a while, but finally I let out a sigh and started speaking. This was it, I was going to tell her about my insecurities and I desperately hoped that she wasn't going to respond the way I feared she would. I kind of knew it was absurd in a way, but I was genuinely afraid that this was going to be the last night of our relationship.
"It's just..." I started weakly. "I've been feeling really insecure about myself lately. About us, really."
She seemed genuinely surprised about that.
"Why?" Val asked.
"Well, you know. You're so experienced and you've seen and done so many things. I'm just fumbling my way with all of this."
"No, you're not. You should know better than to even think like that."
"But I am!" I said even more forcefully than I had intended. "You're not my first girlfriend, but you know that I've never had a relationship this long and... well frankly, this sexual before. And then there's the kinky stuff that I know nothing about and I'm just nervous that I can't satisfy you in any way in those things if I feel like I can't even satisfy you sexually without any of the extra stuff."
"You really shouldn't even talk like that." she said softly. "It's not about the mechanics or some kind of technical efficiency. It's about you and me, connecting, sharing a moment. You shouldn't think about it like some kind of a test."
"I know, I know. But I can't help feeling I'm so awkward and clumsy about everything so that you're not getting much out of it. I feel like you probably would rather be doing it with someone who actually knows what they're doing and give you those monster orgasms that you give me."
Val let out a little chuckle. It made me feel better, even though I wasn't really that sure what it meant. I smiled slightly at her.
"If I just wanted someone who could perform flawlessly and efficiently, I'd find someone like that." she said. "But I didn't, and I don't want to. I found you. And I want to be with you. And I want to do all these things with you. That's all you really need to know. You do know that, right?"
I nodded meekly, even though I really did not know that. But her saying it made me feel better and I didn't really want to push her on the subject anyway.
"But why then have you shut me out of your kinky circle of friends?" I asked. "You know I'm into this stuff, but you never invite me to the parties you go to and tell me about afterwards. I'm pretty sure you do stuff there with other people. Is that why you don't want me along? So you can enjoy it with someone more experienced."
Val sighed and looked like she was considering her response very carefully. My heart sank as I was scared to hear what she had to say to this. Did she have to consider her words carefully because I was right and she was looking for a way to say it to me? Was this going to be it?
"You know, I've been thinking about that for a while now." Val said after a long pause. Way too long for my comfort. "No, that's not why I've been keeping you out at all. I do some simple play things at the parties, yeah, but I'm always straight with you about what I've been doing and I've never done anything that I feel would compromise my fidelity to you."
"But why then?"
"The scene can be... a pretty big thing to take in. I wanted to make sure you'd be ready for it." she paused for a while to consider her words a little more. "You know, most people there, the vast majority, are just ordinary folks like you and me. But there are all kinds of assholes there as well and people who can really be harmful for anybody and it's a really small community so you'll be directly or indirectly subjected to all of it. You hear everything and you can't really ignore the bad things even if you wanted to. I just wanted to shelter you from it a little longer. And you know, maybe I wanted to keep yourself all for me for a little why longer."
"But you do have me. You will always have me."
"I know. But after being in the scene for a while, you realise that the soap operas have nothing on the drama that goes on in the scene. And I've been there for a long, long time."
She sighed again.
"But I can see that I've been wrong." she continued. "I've kept you out too long and I should've realised what it's doing to you. Is that what triggered this?"
I shook my head for no.
"No, it's not that." I said. "It's not anything you've done, don't misunderstand me. It's just me being all insecure about not doing the right things, like I said. Or doing or saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I just don't know how to do this and it's eating me up inside. I so badly want to be what you want me to be, but I don't know how."
"Oh, Allie. I just want you to be you. That's why I am with you."
I was about to start crying again, although for different reasons than before. This had gone the way I hadn't expected at all, but it had gone exactly as I deep down had hoped it would. Val saw that I was maybe about to start crying again, and she stopped me by almost lunging at my lips.
We kissed passionately for a long time. I had exposed my innermost feelings to her so that I was emotionally and physically more vulnerable than ever before. The fact that she hadn't turned me down or gotten mad made the kissing more passionate than ever before with anyone. I could taste her passion, and I could taste that it was all directed at me. Suddenly my concerns felt almost ridiculous.
"But you know," Val said as we broke our lips but stayed really close. "If you're really worried about doing the wrong thing, I have ways to make sure you don't."
She gently turned me around so that my back was to her and she took off my shirt. I didn't resist, but raised my arms so that the shirt just slipped over my head and revealed my now naked upper body. I still had my eyes closed from the kissing but I could feel that Val was reaching for the chest of equipment she had moved right next to the sofa.
