Kneeling before my gorgeous Haitian goddess Esther, I am at last where I was born to be. My name is Steve Voltaire and I am a young Black man of Haitian descent living in the City of Ottawa, Ontario. I used to think the Black girls in my church were boring and dull, since most of them never put out, you know? Like most brothers, Christian or otherwise, I had my needs and since the church ladies were hiding the booty, I looked elsewhere for my fun. That's how I ended up dealing with this skinny, dark-haired and nerdy white chick named Dominique, whom I met at Capital University.
Over the course of several months, Dominique and I went out and had some fun. Things started getting serious, at least for me. I caught feelings for her, and unfortunately, the lady didn't reciprocate. A lot of white chicks who deal with Black men are just looking for fun and games, nothing more. Doesn't matter what you think you've shared or the wonderful times you've had. You're entertainment for her and nothing more. And so it came to be that Dominique dumped my Black ass, and friend-zoned me to boot. Heartbroken, I walked away to lick my wounds. Women, they're insane, man.
I mean, back when we first met, Dominique used to complain to me about how most of the guys she met weren't interested in anything other than sex. Well, I wanted a real relationship with her and look what she did to me. Crazy white chicks, man. I decided to focus on school and work, to get Dominique out of my head, you know? I have always been very interested in BDSM, something a lot of females I dealt with just don't understand. They think that it's for freaky people who dress in leather and whip each other in basements. They don't realize that BDSM is a lifestyle embraced by ordinary men and women that they see every day.
I mean, the lady who likes to tie guys up and spank them doesn't have to be some buxom supermodel living in Beverly Hills or New York City. She can be an Irish-Canadian housewife in suburban Toronto, Ontario. The guy who likes to get tied up and flogged isn't always some weirdo living far away. Sometimes he's the security guard in your hometown library. Just a regular Joe living in your neighborhood. I've gone to BDSM events and I liked them. The only part I didn't like is the fact that I'm usually the only Black person at BDSM munches and other events. I remember a munch I attended for female dominants and male submissive types in the Ottawa area. There was one young Asian woman there, Trina, and aside from her and me, everyone else was old and white. BDSM needs ethnic and racial diversity, that's for damn sure.
That's why I have long dreamed of finding a Black woman to play with. I've looked online, especially on the BDSM website Fetlife. All I can say is that my search was a disappointing, ultimately fruitless one. The few Black women in the Ottawa area who liked BDSM were almost always exclusively into white guys. And the type of white guys I saw on Fetlife are weird, man. They get off on calling Black people the N-word during sex, and yet scores of Black women and Black gay guys flocked to them.
Yes, you read that one right, ladies and gentlemen. Black peoples lack of self-love and self-esteem will never cease to amaze me. Why allow someone to humiliate you because of your race as they use you for sex? Race play is one of those fetishes I just don't get. Oh, well. If some Black women enjoy getting called the N-word by white guys during sex, more power to them. Ditto for those gay Black guys out there who get off on getting racially humiliated by white guys. I guess the casual racism that white guys dole out to ethnic minorities, particularly Black folks, in everyday Canadian society isn't enough for some Black folks. They want MORE. Phew!
I guess I sometimes overthink things, you know? I have a habit of doing that in my interactions and relationships with others. Take my whirlwind pseudo-romance with Dominique for example. I was wrong to assume we were in a relationship just because we went out together, had some wicked fun, watched porn, shared secrets and all that jazz. We were just having fun, the gal wasn't looking for anything serious. I should have known. What can I say? Sometimes I can be one hell of a sucker. Dominique and I simply weren't meant to be. I have to accept the truth. Reminiscing about what wasn't and never shall be is the most counterproductive thing a man can do.
At that point, I just about had it with my search for love and romance. It seems that women can sense when a guy is looking for them, and they don't like that shit. They can smell eagerness in a man and it's a turn-off for them. The best way to find a woman is to not look for one. If you look at the movies and TV shows, the nonchalant and cool guy usually gets the girls while the ladies avoid the punk with the big heart who's constantly chasing them without any care for pride or dignity. That's just the nature of the game. So, I decided to put the ladies out of my mind. Fuck love and romance, I've got better fish to fry.
I began going to church again, not because I am super religious or anything but because it gives me something to do. I work as a security guard, looking after empty buildings on the overnight shift, five nights a week. Typically I walk a few rounds then find a quiet corner to sleep. Most security guards I know do the same thing. Staying in my empty apartment in Vanier appealed to me as much as staying in a casket, so church became my refuge. There I ran into an old acquaintance of mine, the lovely Esther Jacques Philemon.
You know that one chick at church who's always saying "praise the Lord" and typically acts holier than thou? At our church, Esther Jacques Philemon, the niece of Pastor Vincent Philemon, formerly of Cap-Haitien, Haiti, and presently of Ottawa, Ontario, is definitely that chick. A second-year student at Algonquin College, Esther is just under six feet tall, slender, brown-skinned, short-haired and beautiful. If only she could keep her mouth shut, that would be great. I mean, I'm a Christian but not the type to walk around making people feel guilty if they're insufficiently religious or something. Well, Esther is definitely that type of sister.
