Simp for Me

"So, any gossip to update me with? Any men in your life?"

I looked down at the mocktail and stirred it distractedly. "Nothing much, just college, you know."

My cousin's eyes were piercing beneath the pair of sunglasses, snugly settled into her shimmering, black hair. "No men in the picture?" She took a sip from her own brightly coloured drink, then looked around the restaurant with interest. "I don't think I've ever seen you with a guy, come to think of it."

I shrugged, and looked away with embarrassment. "I don't really have time with college and all, you know how it is." It was an excuse, of course. I'd always been atrocious when it came to men, not handling it with the ease that she always did.

"Not really," she muttered, clearly disinterested. "You know I've never been into any of that. Academia is hardly my forte."

She wasn't lying. My cousin, Madeline, had always glided through life without a hitch. College to her had never really been in the question, not something that had ever been a remote possibility. She'd been scouted by a modelling agent while we were still in high school, and months later she was plastered all over various magazines and catalogues. Despite being younger than me, I looked up to her in so many ways because she always carried herself with such elegance and determination. Life for her was always about having fun, and the rare occasions she invited me along for the ride; I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately, she was often too busy for me, this date having already been cancelled four times previously. Even now, while we were together, there was an atmosphere between us, as if she had somewhere more important to be. She'd already taken two phone calls and was constantly texting while offering me standard responses.

This atmosphere was always an issue, as in some ways, despite being family, I always felt like a hanger-on when in Madeline's presence. She just had a natural way of making me feel uncomfortable, as if I didn't fully deserve to be there with her. I found myself both intimidated and enamoured as she'd interact with me with ease, whereas I found myself nervous and often stumbling over my words. There was like a requirement for me to always say the right thing, otherwise Madeline might lose interest and be swayed by a better offer.

Don't get me wrong, my cousin was never rude or cruel to me, and these feelings she brought forth were never intentionally provoked. As far as I knew, she was oblivious to the self-conscious unnerving she induced within me. Contrastingly to my response, she was always polite and energetic whenever we met up, despite the obvious fact that I was taking up her precious time. There was just some underlying unease on my part whenever I'd see her. Partly because she was so ridiculously good-looking and drew the attention of most people in the vicinity. Frequently, Madeline would have drinks or meals bought for her while we were out, often by some potential suitor. It hurt when I didn't receive similar treatment. Of course, she brushed off most of it, but it would only bring attention to the fact that I received zero interest in comparison. Everyone was obsessed and enraptured by my gorgeous cousin; whereas I was more of a plain jane: frumpy clothes and thick-rimmed glasses were my signature look. I was jealous of the attention she received, but being my cousin, I was also proud of her and happy that she was regarded so highly by everyone.

I was a hanger-on to Madeline's popularity, there was no denying it, and over time, I had gradually embraced the position. Whenever I tagged Madeline in one of my Instagram stories, my profile would inevitably gain more interest. If I entered a restaurant at her side, we'd inevitably be shown to the best table. If a guy bought her a drink, she'd sometimes nod towards me and I'd swiftly receive one too. I'd notice a flash of embarrassment on the guys face, as if he was apologetic for not having noticed me in the first place. I was never upset by these occurrences, because I was used to them. Being in my cousin's company was a ride, and I happily came along for it and took whatever I could get.

Now, I should make clear that I'm not a total loser or anything, I'm just not physically exceptional in comparison to Madeline. I worked extremely hard in my studies and was a top-grade student, yet, Madeline just seemed to surpass me without effort. For instance, I'd bought myself a second-hand car to get to college with the money I'd saved from a part-time job during my studies. My parents were proud of me for all of a week, before Madeline bought herself a brand new Mini after a lucrative model shoot. She didn't do this with the intention of upsetting me, because as far as I knew, she wasn't even aware I'd bought a car in the first place. It was just another occasion where she proved she was better than me without even trying.

"How about you?" I asked. Changing the topic of conversation to her was always the safe option; Madeline just loved talking about herself. Always had done.

She smirked. "Well, you know that Dean I was seeing for a while?"

"Uh huh."

"Finished with him."

I blinked rapidly a few times. "Really? Dean Henderson? You finished with him?"

Madeline shrugged, then she leant down and took another sip through the straw; clutching it with her expertly manicured nails. "I can do a lot better. I'm going to keep my options open."

I blinked again, and my mouth hung open in shock. Dean Henderson wasn't just some guy, he was the star quarterback of the local football team. I had zero interest in sport and even I knew who he was. He was like some eligible bachelor that every girl lusted after, and here my cousin was, discarding him like he was nothing. I didn't know whether to be disgusted or impressed.

"Anything else I can get you?" A waiter had approached the table, clearly directing his question towards my cousin. Not once did he look my way.

Madeline looked towards me with widened her eyes. "I think we're good here, yeah? Can you grab us the bill?"

I fingered the drinks menu anxiously while the waiter scurried away. We'd only been here about twenty minutes and this was our first drink. When Madeline had agreed to meet, I'd had the hope that we would be here a couple of hours. There were about four or five different mocktails I had been planning on making my way through, as well as exploring the expansive lunch menu. I was about to voice my desires, when Madeline reached for her purse.

"I've got this one," she said, a most familiar declaration after our meet ups. It sounds bad, particularly with my desire to explore the menu, but Madeline usually paid after our meet ups. I was a student, and she simply earned way more than me with her career. I'd felt bad at first, but she'd encouraged me to order whatever I wanted, insisting that money wasn't an issue.

I was thankful, because honestly, I couldn't afford the bars and restaurants that Madeline always insisted we visited. However, on this occasion, I had an urge to show her that I appreciated her and wanted to make clear that her money wasn't the motive for meeting up. Considering we'd only had one round of drinks, this appeared the perfect opportunity to treat her. "I'll get it," I said, while reaching for my own bag.

However, Madeline rolled her eyes and waved me away. "Don't be silly," she said. "It's covered." She waved the waiter back over and held up her credit card. The guy couldn't have dashed over any quicker.

"All to your satisfaction, ma'am?" he asked oddly, considering he'd been with us merely seconds ago. He appeared flustered and fumbled over his words, before he nodded his head and lingered awkwardly by the table.

Madeline pursed her lips and nodded, and the waiter soon took the hint and disappeared with her credit card.

This would usually be the moment I'd nip to the restroom, but since we'd only had one drink, there was no need. I was still amused by the waiter's obvious infatuation with my cousin, and was about to make a joke, when she reached over and took a photo of the receipt. Then, while I watched in confusion, she turned in her chair and held her leg up. Right there in the restaurant, she unzipped her cream, knee-length boot down the ankle and popped her foot out; before spreading her toes, pedicured in the same white colour that her hands were. I noticed there were lines across the top of her foot from the leather of the tight boot, and I figured she was just freeing her foot momentarily and stretching it out. However, she then moved the foot around in various angles while snapping photo after photo.

My head jolted in confusion, and I had the urge to say something, but feeling anxious, I remained silent and watched as she slipped her foot back into the boot, zipped it up, then turned back towards me. "So, do you want to go shopping or something or are you good?" she asked, while dropping her phone back into her handbag.

I cocked my head and remained silent, still attempting to process the incredibly odd behaviour she'd just so brazenly displayed, right in the middle of the restaurant. Had she just taken a photograph of her foot? I was so confused. I wouldn't even dream of getting my feet out in public like the way she just had. Madeline was always confident and forthright, but she'd never done anything like this before. "What was that all about?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

Madeline turned her head slightly and looked at me curiously. "What do you mean?" She was fidgeting with her handbag and not quite giving me her full attention. Even when we met up, she always seemed only half present, as if there was something far more interesting going on behind me or in her phone. Still, I put up with it, because being around Madeline was better than being alone.

I nodded towards the receipt, before leaning out from the table and pointing beneath towards her cream, designer boots. "The photos you just took. What was that all about?"

Madeline glanced up from her luxury handbag and offered me an almost patronising smile, then shook her head with an exaggerated blink. "The bill is paid, dear," she said. "That's all you need to know. Don't you worry your little head about anything else." That same patronising smirk returned to her flawless face, and once again I felt like I should just drop the topic and let it go. She simply had a way of winning any exchange and people were usually aware when she was done talking about something.

"Okay..." I said hesitantly, still confused and not sure what was happening.

"Good." She nodded her head. "Right, I'm going to head to some stores. There's this great leopard-print scarf I've had my eye on." She plucked a flip-out mirror from her purse and was in the midst of touching up her lipstick when she raised an eyebrow my way. "You coming or...?"

"Sure," I said while gathering my things. "I'll come." I had no intention of buying anything myself, especially knowing the stores she preferred and the budget I was limited by, but any extra time in my glamorous cousin's company was always welcome. It was almost like I could live vicariously through her privileged life while she shopped, and occasionally, she'd even buy me something that I couldn't possibly afford on my own.

"Great," she said, and once the waiter had brought back her credit card, we were on our way. Not before Madeline had tossed a piece of paper in the trash, however, the waiter's phone number scrawled across it.

We were nearing her chosen store, when Madeline paused right in the middle of the street while glancing at her phone. Even there, amongst the hustle and bustle of busy commuters forced to step around her, she looked a sight. Her cream jacket, in tandem with those similarly cream knee-length boots, made her stand out through the crowd of black and navy suits, no doubt in a rush to return to the office after lunch. I noted a number of guys turning back to take in another look as they passed her. One guy even approached to ask something, however, he didn't manage a single word before my cousin had narrowed her eyes in irritation and waved him away. She was so comfortable and used to attention that she'd become an expert at rejection too.

"I have to make a quick detour to the bank," she said, while glancing up and peering around the busy street. "Just a couple of minutes."

I nodded and simply followed her as she led the way. It was a common interaction in our familial relationship. Madeline was always the leader, while I, being her rather unimpressive cousin, followed in her shadow. I had grown used to being ignored while peoples' attention was fully on her. Sometimes I'd be offered a polite greeting, before they zoned in on Madeline. Other times, and rather more hurtfully, I wouldn't be acknowledged at all. It had become just part of the deal when being around her, and I understood it to a degree, I mean, she was a model after all. Still, something buzzed inside me while I was around her, and I'd stand in awe as others lavished non-stop attention on her, a feeling of pride growing within me that I was actually related to this beautiful example of womanhood. As I saw the enamour in their eyes, I'd wonder if they were jealous of me for being in her company.

"Could you just wait over there?" she asked as we neared the bank, gesturing with her head towards a row of benches near a phone box.

"Ummm, sure," I said, figuring she just wanted some privacy while she dealt with whatever inside the bank. However, as I took a seat, I noticed that Madeline didn't enter the bank at all. Instead, she walked over towards the ATM booths, where there was a guy waiting nervously. He shuffled towards her, then Madeline made a move towards a nearby alleyway and beckoned him to follow with a crooked finger. Seeing such an odd occurrence, I too couldn't help but spring from my seat and follow for a snoop.

I crouched behind a tree, amongst the busy street, and watched curiously as Madeline and this strange man were facing each other in the alleyway. Everyone else seemed completely oblivious to them, rushing passed the alley and too focused on wherever they were going. I, however, was completely gripped, because I didn't understand what was going on; I was fully consumed by my curiosity. Why was my cousin meeting some random guy, especially a guy that appeared much older than her? He was easily in his sixties and balding on top. If anything, he looked like he could be her father.

Then, while I watched, my face contorted in astonishment as the stranger dropped to his knees and held out a wad of cash towards my cousin, which she greedily snatched. While my eyes almost popped from my head, Madeline adjusted her position and outstretched one of her cream boots. In response, the guy crouched right down, almost in a bowing position, and placed a kiss right on the toe of my cousin's boot. With that, she aggressively flipped him off, before she turned back towards the street.

I covered my mouth in shock, before hunkering behind the tree out of sight. My head could barely process what I had just seen. That wasn't the Madeline I knew; that entire encounter seemed so unlike her. The greed, the aggression, the general seediness: that wasn't my Madeline! She was always a picture of elegance, almost regal in her natural posture and manners.

I had to compose myself and take a number of breaths as my skin was prickled and arms shaking from the adrenaline. It was like that feeling of dread that flushes through you when you witness something you shouldn't, or that embarrassing, devastating dismay when someone uncovers your secret. I had snooped on something I really shouldn't have seen. There was apparently a whole other aspect of my cousin's personality and life that I wasn't even aware of. To all, she was the beautiful and glamorous model. The girl who breezed through life and made bank by smiling and posing for the camera. She was always so elegant and dressed immaculately, yet, the secret was out now. She was also the kind of girl that partook in seedy encounters down back alleys! Encounters I could barely comprehend and were beyond my naïve and innocent mind. My world was studying and college, not...not this kind of thing.

I made my way back to the benches, where Madeline was already waiting for me. She looked rather irritated by my absence, despite her eyes now being hidden behind the designer sunglasses. Her lips were pouted as if she seemed mortally offended that I hadn't done as I was told and waited by the benches. "Where'd you get to?" she asked me accusingly. "I thought I said wait here."

My mouth was dry and I scrambled for an explanation. Had she seen me when she came out of the alley? I felt like I was the bad guy in this whole weird situation. I mean, technically I hadn't done anything wrong other than kind of invade my cousin's privacy, but then, she was out in public. Still, I felt like I had committed some sort of crime. "Umm, was just looking in some shop windows," I said awkwardly while shuffling from foot to foot; hands firmly lodged in my pockets.

Madeline tilted her head and stared at me, as if sizing me up and considering my explanation. Though, with her eyes hidden, it was difficult to judge exactly what she was thinking, but I felt exposed all the same. "Right, okay," she said, before smiling. "We better get on then." She turned and led the way without another word and I followed in silence.

I swung my handbag from my wrist and clutched at the strap nervously while my cousin strut ahead. She walked with such grace, a natural sway in her step that communicated a confidence that had evaded me my entire life. Meanwhile, I shuffled along behind, a mix of awkward and tentative steps, attempting to keep up while lacking any decorum in the process. At one point, I scuffed my sneaker on an uneven paving stone and stumbled, causing Madeline to turn at the commotion.

"You alright?" she asked while glancing up and down.

"Yes, umm, all good," I said with a fluster. I was struggling so much with what I'd seen that I was failing at such basic tasks like walking. I was about to pat myself down, when I noticed that Madeline had inadvertently stood in the exact same pose that she had done in the alleyway. The same booted foot was pushed out towards me, while the other remained behind and supported all of her weight. The shiny toe of the boot mesmerised me, and I wondered if there was any remaining trace of the stranger's kiss; as if there would be a print of his lips for all to see. I peeked up at her and suddenly felt in awe, imagining what it must have been like for that strange man, staring up at my beautiful cousin having just done something as humbling as kissing her boot.

"You sure?" she asked, and I pulled my eyes away and nodded. "Yes, all good," I said again, this time trying to appear more convincing. "Let's get on."

Once we reached the store in question, Madeline made a beeline for the scarves and within minutes she'd already found the one she wanted. She spent a bit of time flaunting in the mirror, trying the garment in various ways. She moved between tying it around the shoulders of the cream jacket and looping it over her head, which in harmony with the sunglasses made her look like a modern Audrey Hepburn; every inch the decadent that I knew so well.

While my cousin eyed herself up in the mirror, I just hung around feeling completely out of place, occasionally offering her a compliment when she asked my opinion. I ran my fingers along the silk material of the scarves on offer, enjoying the smooth texture and inwardly accepting that it was a luxury beyond my means. I was the kind of girl that dove into the bargain bin at the local thrift store; such high-end brands weren't in my price range.

Still, while I fingered the various items, my mind was elsewhere, still trapped in that alleyway and trying to make sense of everything I'd seen. I mean, I knew Madeline was considered a catch in the eyes of every man who saw her. Our family had often joked that men would worship the ground she walked on, such was her high-class beauty. Yet, to actually see a man bow before her and kiss her foot: it awakened some truly odd feelings within me. Was my cousin's beauty truly at that level? Did she deserve to have guys bowing and handing her money, just for the privilege of kissing her feet? Apparently so. It filled me with a deep-seated jealousy because it was a treatment I knew I would never experience myself, not by my own doing anyway. But, perhaps with Madeline's intervention, maybe I too could have a guy bowing at my feet? The thought sent a flush running through my tummy and my cheeks instantly reddened. I'd hardly considered myself desirable and was so shy when it came to guys; the thought of having the power to make one bow to me was incredibly exciting.