Becoming One Again

We were in

The Blue Room

. It was hot, but the beer was cold, and I was with the people I loved most in the world so I didn't complain. Ethan, Julie, Ethan's flavor of the week Jennifer, and I were throwing darts, giggling a lot, and generally being stereotypical young couples in a bar. Flashback moment of perspective and imagination to three months ago when if I had seen the smiling four of us I would've immediately ordered a shot and grimaced for a good fifteen minutes. Now, amazingly enough, it almost felt

natural

.

It was Friday, so the place was packed. All around us were college kids, the overly serious groups of males who were constantly looking around, obviously scouting out potential victims to their drunken pickup lines. The borderline hysterical groups of girls sitting over colorful drinks; the only parts of their conversations you could hear were the constant bouts of laughter and gasps. The isolated couples, always pausing at every opportunity to steal a kiss, the least interested of the three groups in their drinks.

We were happy to belong to the last group. Crowded around a dartboard, paying no attention the scoreboard or to the other people in the room, just enjoying each other's company. Ethan was the ever entertaining, never letting a moment of awkward silence descend upon us. Occasionally even I would fall victim to the undeniable male urge to show off, throwing darts over my shoulder or from the bar stool, working so hard to keep up the image of non chalantness that I had spent years perfecting.

As the game wound down, I locked eyes with Julie, waiting to get her attention. She was looking around, sipping absently at her beer, looking beautiful as always. Finally she turned her head and glanced at me, then noticed I was looking at her and stared back. There's so many cliche ways I can describe the communication that happens without anything happening at all - that country song

You say best, when you say nothing at all

, being able to see the thoughts behind each other's eyes, so much more. There is no way to describe it. Connection much deeper than 90% of the sex I've had, just in two people looking at each other.

I mouthed to her, "I love you", and she returned the obligatory "I love you too," with the added on "So much", that just melted me. I walked up to her, fully aware of the fact that it was my turn to throw darts and ignoring Ethan's sigh, and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She turned her head and rested it on my chest for a minute before looking at me again. Once again, we instantly knew what we both wanted just by the look in each other's eyes, so we moved our faces together until our lips touched. It was a soft kiss, the briefest meeting of lips, before we drew away. I squeezed her hand, then backed away, feeling guilty about holding up the dart game. Ethan was drinking his beer on the bar stool, looking bored. Jennifer was sitting beside him, very enthusiastically telling him some story. I stepped up to the dart line and threw my three darts quickly before stepping back beside Julie.

At that moment, the current song blaring over the speakers ended and a new one came on. Julie listened to it for a second then exclaimed "Oh my god, I love this song, come on we have to dance!" then grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the open area where other people were moving to the music. She turned towards me and stared at me, then started dancing the music. She looked amazing, swaying and moving to the music. She was wearing a black tank top, a transparent black shirt over it, and a random pair of jeans, but no matter what she was wearing she was always breathtaking to me. She grinned at me as I stared at her and took my hand, pulling it to her back before putting her hands on my waist and guiding me to move with her.

I've never felt comfortable dancing. Wait, I take that back, I've only felt comfortable dancing when I was extremely drunk. Maybe it was getting to the point where I absolutely didn't care about what I looked like. Maybe it was getting to the point where I cared enough to try to fit in. Who knows! But at this moment, I was beside Julie, and Julie was dancing, and how could I not. I held her loosely and leaned in and kissed her ear, then whispered, "You love this song?" She laughed then said back, "I have no idea what this song is, I just wanted to have you to myself for a while." I laughed too, then got into the music a little, rubbing my hands along her arms as she did the same to me. Our eyes never left each other's, till I closed mine and just

felt

.

When the song ended, I opened them again. She was still staring at me, but our movements slowed. Suddenly, she grabbed two handfuls of my shirt and pulled me to her. We kissed again, this time more urgently. Our mouths opened and our tongues found each other, our hands did the same and we intwined ourselves together as best we could on the dance floor. As soon as it started it was over though, Julie pulled away and stared at me again.

"Let's go home," she said.

"You don't have to ask me twice," I answered, almost before she had gotten it out of her mouth. I dug out some money from my pocket and handed it to her.

"You pay, I'll go say our goodbyes." She nodded in agreement. Two minutes later and we were standing outside, holding hands, and we began the walk to find her car.

We said nothing on the car ride home. She stared at the road, I started at her. We started off holding hands, till eventually our hands found each other's arms, and faces, and lips. I would lean in to kiss her neck, her ear, her cheek, and she would squeeze my arm or my leg. After what seemed like an eternity we finally pulled into her driveway. We both got out of the car; she waited for me by the sidewalk. Then we walked to her door, hand in hand, till she had to find her key in her pockets. As she was unlocking the door, I stood behind her and pulled her hair to the side and kissed her neck. She pushed the key into the lock then paused and leaned back into me. I breathed in her scent and held her tight for a precious few seconds before she turned the key and opened the door.

Inside it was dark, but neither of us moved to turn on the light. We both had it memorized - five steps to the table, turn left, ten more steps to her night stand. Turn on the light, empty our pockets onto the table, turn and face each other. I pulled helped her out of the transparent over shirt. She pushed me onto the bed, where I sat looking at her. As she climbed onto me, I put my hands on her back and ran my nails down it before pulling her close enough where we could kiss. It was slow, her hands were in my hair, mine were running all over her back. Our tongues greeted each other again, and then wandered around the other's mouth, touching teeth, wetting lips.

I never understood people who enjoyed one night stands, or random drunken making out sessions. Physical intimacy is never good until you know the other person. When you both know the other's likes, dislikes, and habits, that's when it becomes amazing.

So when I closed my mouth, so did she. And when I pecked her on the lips, she returned it. In the time it took me to get from laying half on the bed to standing up, she already got her legs wrapped around me and was kissing my neck. Before I finished setting her down on the bed and let go of her, her hands were in my hair, guiding my head to her stomach. Not because that's what she wanted me to do, but because she knew that's where I was going anyways. I lifted her tank top and started kissing her stomach while her hands continued to play with my hair. I kissed along the edge of her jeans, and she ran her nails up and down my neck. Then she stopped and pulled me up to her, finding the bottom of my shirt as we began kissing. She lifted it up, breaking our kiss just long enough to get it over my head. We continued kissing as our hands wandered all over the other's body.

We stopped the kiss at the same moment, and both opened our eyes. Our hands continued running all over arms, chest, stomach, neck, hair, anxious, urgent, but our eyes were steady, the calm center of a familiar storm. Then she placed her hands on my shoulders and rubbed them for a few seconds before pushing me onto my back beside her. She rolled onto me, straddling me. I started to reach for her stomach to pull her closer, but she pushed my hands down onto the bed and pinned them there with her knees. I didn't resist, why on earth would I? She stared at me and reached for my hair. She ran her fingers through my hair, down my face, just barely touching me. Slowly, lightly, she continued moving them down my neck, to my chest. I closed my eyes and relaxed, concentrating on the nearly indiscernable feel of her fingertips moving around my body.

Then they disappeared, and I opened my eyes to see her lifting her tank top off. She threw it to the floor, then looked down at me and smiled. I looked back at her, my eyes taking in her gorgeous body, the black bra outlined on her pale skin. She stood up and nudged my legs onto the bed, so I scooted up and laid my head on a pillow. She crawled onto the bed with me and laid on top of me, her ear on my chest. I wondered what the distance was between her and my heart? An inch? Less? She ran her nails along my side, pausing at the hem of my jeans. She took it between two fingers and pulled, sliding her fingers across it towards the button. I wrapped my arms around her as she moved up and started kissing me, then moved my hands to undo the clasp on the back of her bra. That too soon went to the floor, then she was undoing my pants, pulling apart the button and sliding down the zipper. I arched my back to help as she pulled them off, and they landed on the floor. Once again she stradled me, putting her hands on my chest.

Think of how thin the material is that makes up blue jeans. Something so thin, making so much of a difference. Julie leaned her head back and closed her eyes, pushing down on my chest as she started rubbing her body up and down mine. My hands found her hands, then her arms, then her breasts. I gently squeezed and rubbed, then rubbed my fingers across her nipples. I sat up enough to take one in my mouth, slowly sucking as I ran my tongue around it. My head was close enough to her that I could hear her heartbeat, hear it racing to keep up with what it had started. Then I switched to her other breast, firmly taking the other beautiful nipple into my mouth and sucking as I pushed it side to side with my tongue. I heard her sigh, then felt her push herself off me.

She had her eyes closed as she pulled my boxers off. I had never understood the whole "kiss with your eyes closed" thing until this relationship. I thought it was some sort of absurd shyness. Recently though, I had realized that you closed your eyes so you could feel it better. I guess all the people who weren't really feeling anything were just copying off those that were.

I stood up next to her, naked and completely alive. With one arm I pulled her to me and kissed her again, with the other I reached to push down her panties. Her hands helped me, so I wouldn't have to let her go. And then we were naked, standing next to each other. She laid back down on the bed first, keeping her hand in mine. She pulled me onto her, wrapping her legs around me as our bodies pressed together. I kissed her forehead, her ear, the valley between her collarbone and her shoulder. Her hands were on my back, grabbing me, urging me closer. As I entered her, all I could do was put lean my face in and breathe in the smell of her hair. She started kissing my neck, her hands continued guiding me. We were going slow, because we had to. Because it would be impossible to rush something this beautiful. I put my hands flat on the bed and pushed myself up a little, so I could look down into her eyes. Her's were closed still, so I paused my thrusts till she looked at me. We locked eyes and I continued, savoring the feeling of her around me but even more delicious was the look in her eyes. Urgency, helplessness, security, love. I could see it, I could feel it, I could

taste

it. We continued staring at each other as I sped up, our hands together, clenching and unclenching constantly. Then she let go of my hand and put her arms around me, pulling me as close to her as she could. Faster, faster we went, my hands firmly grasping the loose sheets of the bed, until finally we both closed our eyes and gasped. Time paused and extended that second into its own millenia, that one second where we were one and nothing mattered except for the fact that we were

together

.

Then the tempo dropped, the rhytm slowed. We kissed. And kissed. And kissed. We were exhausted, but scared to fall asleep and lose any time we could spend together. Eventually sleep overcame us, and we lay there, holding onto each other for dear life, knowing that there was nothing more perfect in the world at that moment than to just be.