Her Heart

she awoke with a smile, today she would talk to Him, see Him. Her heart raced as she quietly lay in bed. her thoughts had been swamped with Him, everything about Him. The picture of Him lasted in her mind for hours. The conversations replayed in her head constantly. The desires coursed through her veins every time He came to mind. She thought about little else at times.

Getting up, silently, she looked at the clock and groaned, twelve hours.... twelve hours before she was to meet Him. she wanted time to pass quickly, so she tried desperately not to think about Him, but her eyes danced over to look at the clock again, 11 hours and 59 minutes. her hands formed fists at her side. Standing up, she walked into the living room, after all laying in bed thinking about Him wouldn't get her very far.

Sitting down on the couch, she brought her computer to her lap. she got online and hoped with unbelieving dreams that maybe, just maybe, He had sent her a message to tide her over. Logging onto the net, she waited with baited breath. Yahoo popped up and she signed in, waiting, always waiting, and hoping. The screen popped up, and she was signed in. her heart raced, looking, but nothing, no messages. her heart fell, and she felt the weight of hope crushing down on her.

Sighing softly, she looked at the clock, 11 hours and 49 minutes. she had to do something to distract her mind, she was going insane. Looking around, she decided to log onto her favorite chat sight, Literotica. Smiling to herself, she chanted out the time... four o'clock, four o'clock, just wait for four o'clock. The site let her in on the first try, and she went to her favorite room, BDSM.

she entered and looked at the user list and groaned. One of her "admirers" was there. This wasn't what she wanted, to talk to someone showing interest, when she was thinking about Him. she had been known to pop right back out at the sight of unwanted pests, but being brave, she stayed, greeting and being friendly. She waited and sure enough the admirer sent her a message. Being the nice and friendly sort, she replied and desperately tried to keep up a good conversation, but her heart wasn't in it. she looked into the room and found some relief, more people had joined. The talk in the room soon had her busy and the PM faded from her thoughts.

she talked to friends and found out news, sympathized with things gone wrong, and clapped for things gone right. she answered the PM when spoken to, but otherwise left it alone. her desire and heart were not in the PM. They were off waiting for four o'clock. Suddenly, she heard the alarm going off, and looked at the clock, six am. She had survived two hours, only ten more to go. The talk dwindled down and she felt she might be able to go back to sleep, but her mind went swiftly to thoughts of Him.

He was different, an unexplainable kind of different. When she first saw His name, she felt the thread of connection. she remembered times gone by when conversations had flowed in the room. she had always watched for His response if He was there, always wondered what He was thinking. she did her best to be involved in the discussion, hoping against all hope He would participate or respond to her comments. her heart would jump for joy when He always seemed to have something to say to her thoughts. The feeling singed through her mind and heart, but she kept it to herself. The power just a few words from Him had on her was overwhelming at times. Others came and went in the conversation, she paid attention, wanting, willing to learn.

she read, learned and soaked up knowledge, hoping that one day, she would be better for herself. she wanted this for no one else, but the One she would find and herself. she did not wonder what others thought, she simply put her nose to the grindstone and learned. her visits to Literotica were often, always hoping to see Him, but often He was not there. There were others, Doms, males, idiots, that darkened her doorstep, wanting to know about her, but her eyes always sought the name of One.

Many offers came her way, of interest and desire to get to know her, own her, collar her, but she never faltered, her answer was always, "NO!" Every time He would appear, her heart would race. she always fought the battle of whether to say hi to Him, always fearing others would know, in her greeting that she felt something. she greeted almost everyone that would pass through the room, but always she had to think about greeting Him. He was what she longed for, and because she longed for Him, He was unreachable. she never felt that approaching Him was her right. He was above her simply, lowly person. There was no way that He could feel the connection she did.

When she did not greet Him, she would always wait to see, and always He did not disappoint, greeting her every time He came in the door. she never made the connection, never thought about the tiny things that made her heart beat out of her chest. she just always thought He was worthy of so much more than her. He always answered her questions, always gave her help, but still she knew He was above her. She accepted His help, she looked up everything He said, asked to make sure He was giving good thoughts.

When she found, His answers to be sound, a smile always reached her face. She found friends in those around her, Doms and subs alike. There were those that were happy to see her, those that were just acquaintances, those she "clicked with", those she had fun with (not THAT kind of fun), and those she shared from her heart with. However, her desire and thoughts of Him were hers and hers alone. No one was told about her longings. This was a matter close to her heart, not to be shattered by foolishness of others, not to be wounded by other people's thoughtlessness.

Then, one day, she was asking a question, hoping others would answer. she was thinking seriously about some issues that had come up more times than she cared to remember. One person answered in the entire room, and she was upset. Did they not take her seriously? she wanted to scream out her frustration, and then, He walked into the room. her heart stopped, it had been so long since she had seen Him. she went along with her tirade and said, only one person has answered, anyone else care to answer this serious question. He was there, asking what the question was. He did not fail her. His response got others responding, and she was smiling, learning, aching in pain.

His thoughts and others brought more questions to her brain. she was soaking up the knowledge that she always craved. The conversation whittled down, but she was still thinking. she still needed answers. she waited and waited, thinking deep thoughts and finally, she asked in the room for a moment of His time. she waited, holding her breath, wondering if He would toss her aside and say no. she waited.... waited.... waited and nothing happened. He did not say a word, nothing. she felt the weight crush her. she tried to act nonchalant about it, saying she must have done something wrong, using His name, trying to find out if He had just missed her question, still nothing, no response.

she sighed in her mind and went back to the conversation in the room. she would win over the pain that she felt at being ignored. she would win out over the battle to scream and cry in frustration. Then, amid the room's conversation, His name popped up. He said i'm back without the brb. she held her breath, maybe there was hope. Maybe He had left without seeing her question, and He had not been ignoring her. Getting up that frightening courage again, she typed in "so maybe You weren't ignoring me when i asked You a question." she waited...

His response popped up on the screen, "Why would i ignore you?" A smile broke out across her face. she laughed outwardly and said, "i don't know, but You didn't answer." He simply asked, "What was the question?" she responded, "i asked for a moment of Your time, if it wouldn't be too much of a bother." His response had her smiling with secret pleasure, "Of course you may, I was not ignoring you, and it is not a bother."

she slipped into His PM with a question, asking for His opinion on a subject she held dear to her heart. she sensed He knew she was seriously asking. she knew, for herself, she was asking for His opinion, because it was His opinion that mattered to her. He did not disappoint her, merely told her not to worry that all was fine. she sighed, relieved and thanked Him, thinking the conversation to be over. It wasn't. He kept the conversation going, and she was in pure delight. she talked through the smile lighting her face and the heart beating out a loud steady rhythm in her chest. she was talking to HIM!!! she squealed.

The talk continued, on and on, she waited for Him to tell her to go away. she wanted to talk to Him for forever, but she waited, wondering when He would push her aside. she was shocked, He started flirting with her. her body felt all tingly. The blood that raced through her veins, simply poured out endorphins racing through her system. He was talking to her, not for mere seconds, not for mere minutes, but for hours. He flirted with her, teased her, talked seriously with her, started finding her weaknesses like no other ever had. He could see her pain and soothe her within seconds of awkward moments. The conversation flowed.

Everyone knew He was talking to her, He made no secret about it, and she did her best not to care who knew or what they thought. He made remarks in the room about talking to her, and at times she would cringe but tried desperately to just enjoy. she wandered in and out of blissful oblivion for the six hours Tthey talked. And then, the time was over. He had to leave. she desperately tried to keep the disappointment from bringing her down. Even six hours was not enough. she craved more time in His presence, but she wished Him well and went on her own way, secretly remembering the entire conversation.

The next day dawned bright and clear, as she puttered around the house, her thoughts would involuntarily fly to Him. she was strong, though, wanting to maintain the distance from this one talk to her heart. she did not want to get hurt. she would be strong and just remember the enjoyable time she had for six hours of one precious day. Once her chores were done and all was well around her, she logged online, entering once again into Literotica. she gasped, He was there. she squealed in delight, did a little mind dance and chanted, HE WAS THER, HE WAS THERE!

He greeted her warmly and quickly. her heart raced. Tthey chatted in the room with each other and those around Tthem, and then a yellow appeared, apologizing for the intrusion, but asking if she was having trouble with a more forceful admirer. she told Him, all was well and that it was not an intrusion. He was welcome in her yellow any time. He thanked her, but the conversation did not continue. she wondered what she had done. she wanted desperately to talk with Him, and then she disappeared, she left with heart aching. Bringing control to herself, she resigned in and went to another room. she needed to breathe. Then, thinking she could handle it once again, she entered her "home".

she simply sat quietly by watching the room, until again, He PMed her. The conversation took off again, and she was full of delight. she was afraid. Thinking in her head that He, even now, could hurt her, the thought frightened her. He had no idea the power He held in His hands. They talked for four hours that day, but then once again, He had to go. her heart reacted in a strange, a gut wrenching way. No matter how long she talked with Him, it was never long enough. she left with silent cries of anguish at having to leave Him.

Tthey had only talked privately twice. How could she feel so much in such a short time? she felt the pain deep inside heart and reached for comfort. she thought and thought and realized, that although Tthey had only talked in private twice, that she had been connected to Him, secretly watching for Him from the first meeting Tthey had shared. Not even she had known that her heart had ached and watched, wanting to see Him in the room even if Tthey did not talk. her secret had been so safe, even she had not realized its full effect. her heart screamed in terror. she cared too much. she had to run away.

she couldn't. The next day found her online again, looking, hoping to see Him. He wasn't there, so she signed off, not in the mood to chat with others. She looked around, read blogs, tried to keep her mind off her silent cries of fear and pain and yes, even loneliness. Then, thinking to try again, she logged back onto the site, hoping. she entered the Lounge and fixed her settings and then a yellow appeared on her screen. she looked, it was Him. He PMed her before she even got out of the Lounge. He was watching for her, He admitted it. she was so happy, the fear raced through her. As calmly as she could, she talked with Him, and talked with Him. Ttheir conversations never seemed to end or run dry. Tthey always seemed to have some thing to say.

Tthey were patient with each other, almost too patient, waiting for what the other would say, Tthey talked about their thoughts and even desires from life. Tthey were different and yet so much alike. The connection sizzled under the surface, neither wanting to talk about it. Tthey carried on Ttheir conversation for a new record, 10 hours, and still, life dragged Him away. she wanted more, craved more even with 10 hours. her fear was real. she set up a time to talk with Him the next day, a small gift of knowledge, hope and looking forward while having to part ways.

The next day, she was there, simply waiting for Him, and waiting, and waiting. she waited for three hours, an hour before the set time, the hour of the set time and an hour after the set time. Three long, lonely, hurting hours, she waited. her heart ached and silent tears poured out of her soul. she felt loss, betrayed, hurt beyond words. she waited for some word, some thing from Him through another source of communication. Nothing!!

The days passed, one simply weaving into another. her heart ached every time she thought of it. He hadn't shown up. she had waited for three hours for Him, and He hadn't shown. Had she wasted those 20 hours over those three days? Had she been the only one to feel the connection? Each day passed and her hurt turned to anger at times. She wanted Him there, wanted to beat Him down for playing with her, but her mind fought with it. she also wanted to hug Him and spend time with Him. she hated her weakness, her searching for Him over and over again while she chatted with others.

During that week, she asked around about Him, talking to those who knew Him, finding out what kind of person He was. she sent Him a message, sent Him her thoughts, trying desperately not to appear desperate, not to appear hurt or attached. she felt she was a total failure. she had allowed herself to feel for someone that was willing to crush her heart. And then, one day, He was there. she was cold to Him, not wanting to fall for His charm, or the feelings inside her. she tried her best to be polite but keep a distance. He knew that she felt this way. He could feel her resistance to Him, admitted it, but He explained what happened and said He wanted to talk to her, but the circumstances were out of His control. she asked if it would be another week before she heard from Him again. His reply, "If you think that, you have another thing coming." she smiled in anticipation.

she always tried to be understanding about life and the things that just popped up, so without too much trouble, she said ok. He had to leave again, but Tthey set up a time to meet the next day. she tried to not be excited. she tried to act nonchalantly. she told Him, she would try to be there, when in her heart, she knew she would not miss it. The next day arrived, and she tried desperately not to be excited, but she was. she couldn't help it. He had something that others hadn't had. she logged onto the site and waited, and waited, and waited......... nothing. He never showed up. she waited for an hour and a half, and nothing.

she logged off the sight and felt her heart rip in two. her soul cried tears of pain and anguish. He was playing her. she knew she could not take any more. she tried to forget about Him, but with every day, every log in, she looked. she looked for His name. He was not there. she cried out for help from her friends, some answered, others didn't. The ones who answered were wise, but had the answers she hated to hear. she knew they were right, but how to move on when her heart was hurting, lost, aching. she wanted to hear from Him. she wanted Him to answer for the pain, to hear her cry out and rake the coals of pain upon Him, and yet, she couldn't. she cared too much.

There was no way she could hurt Him the way He had her. she cared too much. her pain was her own, to deal with, to struggle through, to heal from. she fought with it, struggled, hurt and cried out for Him to hear her. He didn't. Those around her didn't know the pain she felt. she let them know and think it was over, gone, past. she was fine, no problems. Then, desperately, she became good friends with someone. she poured her heart, her tender hurting heart into the friendship. The "friend" used it, used her, abused her tender, aching heart until her strength was gone.

she no longer cared. she wanted to disappear. she didn't want to talk to any other admirers. They would never match up to what He was in her mind. she hid from friend and foe alike, banishing the "friend" who had sucked all her strength from her body. she was a pitiful shell of a body. her arms wrapped around herself, holding herself as the pain ripped through her heart and soul, quietly, alone. The few friends who sought her out, meant well, but the pain radiated through her body. she fought the desire to give up, fought to hold on to her sanity. she tried to heal to move on, to regain her strength, and she made a good show of it, but in her heart she knew she hadn't. It was a show for the others to see.

she felt and saw herself withdrawing from friends. she felt the gates closing in around her heart, locking out the feelings, the tenderness, the very depth of who she was. her body ached with need to be held, to be cared for. she turned to other things, searching to find some peace, some healing. she did not want this pain, this pure agony to control her. she felt how fragile, how small she really was. she thought herself strong, but she was weak.

As she struggled to build up her strength and keep the walls down, she put on a brave face. Those around her were fooled by her brave show, mostly. Those who knew her well, could feel the tension, the barriers built around her. she was not herself. she was a mere shell of the person she had thought she was. Time passed, and she pushed everything to the back of her mind. Two weeks went by, and she thought she could start moving past the pain slowly, but then late one night, unable to sleep, she got up and went to her computer.

Logging online, doing various things, she went to check her messages. There was one. she opened it... it was from Him. she cried out, beating her fists against anything. NOOOOOOOO!!!! i was finally getting somewhere. With fear and pain in her mind, she opened the message. she read it. Simply, it stated that He was busy, but she was in His thoughts. she laughed, she cried, she screamed in her head. she sought to find the stable bearing she had been fighting for. How could He? The moment she felt she could go on, He finally got in touch with her. It was cruel fate to see it.

her mind went blank. she could not deal with it. she chose to forget about the message, move on for a few days. It didn't work. her thoughts constantly strayed to Him, to His message. The pain was back, a gaping wound in her heart. He had no idea. Did He not care that His words, His games, His vanishing had cost her more than even she could admit to. she had given part of herself to Him without realizing it. she had in part of her mind and part of her heart, already been His. His to hold, to treasure, to lead, to guide, to protect, she had in many ways already opened up to be His. she waited and waited, leaving a small message on His doorstep but choosing to forget the rest. A week passed and her thoughts strayed often to Him.