I turned into the street where my ex-wife lives in Raleigh, North Carolina. I'm glad to be here on time after another three-hour drive form Norfolk, Virginia where I live. It's 9am on a Saturday morning, as I pull into their driveway. My 8-year-old son Billy comes running out of the house to greet me, yelling out 'Daddy' as he runs towards my truck.
I give him a big hug as I get out, before we make our way towards the front door. Standing in the doorway is my 6-year-old daughter, Samantha. She's holding her doll, her hair's a mess and she's still wearing her pajamas.
"Sam, I asked you to go get changed before your father gets here. Hurry up please, I'll fix your hair in a moment too." I can hear my ex-wife calling out to my daughter from the kitchen.
"Daddy's already here." Samantha informs her mother.
I bend down and pick up my daughter as she gives me a big hug before stepping inside the living room.
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry Mike. She's been impossible this morning. Can you give me a few minutes to get her sorted." Jennifer states as she walks out from the kitchen wiping her hands.
"It's fine, take your time. I might make myself a coffee while you're getting her ready."
"Thanks, we shouldn't be too long." Jennifer replies as she takes Samantha from my arms and heads off into her bedroom together.
I first met Jennifer Stevens in a diner in Norfolk over nine years ago now. I remember that day clearly, and how she took my breath away. Jennifer was a nineteen-year-old apprentice chef working at the diner but also doubled as the waitress when needed. She's a raven-haired beauty with mesmerizing grey eyes, and a body to die for.
I was a twenty-year-old apprentice electrician, tall, fit and rather shy. My family has strong Christian beliefs, and I was raised accordingly. I hadn't partied like some of the guys I knew at my age, instead I worked hard and enjoyed sports, football being my game.
I'd never been that forward with girls up until that day, but something drove me to speak with Jennifer, to get to know her more. I still remember the way she looked at me and smiled, I didn't know at the time if that's what she did with all of her customers, but I later found out that she thought I was handsome, that she had butterflies just talking with me.
We were married six months later, Mr. and Mrs. Michael and Jennifer Davies. A bit over a year after that and Billy was born, with Samantha coming a further two years later. A year after my daughter was born, we were separated and then later divorced. Both were amicable, we didn't and still don't hate each other in any way.
Jennifer moved back to Raleigh after the separation, it's where she was born and raised. She wanted to be near her parents who could help her with their grandchildren. Bill and Mary Stevens are terrific grandparents too, and they're the only ones my kids now have as my father died when I was younger, with my mom then dying of cancer around the same time I first met Jennifer.
I have three siblings, two older brothers and a younger sister. We helped each other get through the loss of our mom, and thanks to our faith we managed okay.
"She's ready now." Jenn said as they both came back out into the living room, with Samantha wearing a pretty little blue dress with matching shoes. Her hair was neatly brushed and pinned back, and she gave me that same beautiful smile that her mother has.
"How about you, Billy? Have you got everything you need?' I asked my son as I sipped my coffee.
"Yeah, I'm all set, dad."
"Well, Jenn, I'll drop them off with Bill and Mary later this afternoon. I'm taking them to the shops today amongst other places, is there anything you need while we're there?"
"No, I'm good thanks Mike. Billy could do with some new sneakers though; he goes through them way too quickly. I have no idea what he does with them, but they just don't last very long."
"Have you been using them as brakes on your bike again? Use your brakes, not your shoes." I said to Billy shaking my head a little.
I ushered both Billy and Samantha out the door and into my truck, I had several activities planned for today, going to the shopping center for lunch would be one of them. I drive the three-hour trip from Norfolk to Raleigh every Saturday morning to see them, heading home later that evening. Occasionally I sleep on Jennifer's couch overnight if I'm taking them for the Sunday service the following morning.
Both Jennifer and I have had two relationships each in the last five years that we've been divorced, none of which were that long lasting. We've both been single now for the last six months, for Jenn it's closer to a year. Our birthdays are coming up next weekend as well, I turn thirty with Jenn's turning twenty-nine. Both of us have our birthdays only one day apart although Jennifer is a year younger than me.
I can't help but think of her at this time of the year, we always used to celebrate our birthdays together, it was always a special time for us. I still get to celebrate with her now, but it's not the same for obvious reasons.
Billy is getting to the age where he's starting to ask a lot more questions too. Not just about random silly stuff, but actual questions. Today he finally asked me questions I've avoided wanting to answer for the last five years.
We were sitting having lunch, when out of the blue, Billy asked me about us, his parents.
"Dad, why aren't you and mom together anymore?"
I looked over at him taking a bite of my sandwich, how on earth do I answer this?
"Sometimes adults grow apart, when they're no longer in love." I replied, being a little vague.
"Didn't you love mom?" Billy fired back.
"Of course I did. Your mom's a wonderful person."
"So, why did you leave? Why weren't you in love with mom anymore?"
"Billy, it's complicated. It's not something that can be easily explained." I told him, but I was lying. I don't enjoy lying, but I didn't know what else to say to him and his sister.
"Did you love your last girlfriend." Billy again asked me.
"No, not like I loved your mother."
"Do you love mom now?"
"Why all the questions? Where is this coming from, Billy?"
"My friend Jake, his parents are getting divorced. He said they argue all the time and yell mean things at each other. I've never heard you yell at mom; I've never heard you and mom argue or say mean things to each other." Billy replied.
"Yeah, but we don't live together. Break-ups can be difficult, Billy. They're not all the same either. Me and your mom still get along well even though we're not together."
"So, why don't you get back together?"
"Billy, enough. I know you and your sister would both be happier if me and your mom were back together, I understand that. But things don't work like that. Okay?"
We continued to eat our lunch before we went on the hunt for some new sneakers. I got Sam a pretty new dress too just so she wouldn't feel left out. Later that afternoon I dropped the kids off at their grandparents' house, saying hello to Bill and Mary for a while before leaving for Norfolk. Jennifer works some of the afternoons and evenings as she's the chef for a restaurant downtown and Saturday night is their busiest night of the week.
I spent a big part of my trip driving home thinking about what Billy had asked me earlier. About why I left and why I didn't love Jennifer anymore. I know the reason why I left, and it's not that I didn't love Jennifer anymore, it's something else that I've never told her.
Our story is that we drifted apart, slowly falling out of love with each other. Well, that's how I framed it. For Jennifer, it was a little more frustrating than that simple explanation. She still loved me; it was me that 'drifted' away from her. I became less intimate, less loving to her and she couldn't understand why.
I did know why though, but at the time I simply couldn't tell her. And it's something that I still regret to this day. Not just for not telling her why, but for what I did to cause all this in the first place.
I cheated on her, plain and simple.
She was pregnant with Samantha and was having an uncomfortable third trimester. We'd stopped having sex due to that, not that the lack of sex at the time is an excuse I'm willing to afford myself. No, what I did was unforgivable, it was selfish, it was something I've struggled to deal with ever since. Especially during the year after I cheated on Jenn, I was finding it difficult to live with myself for what I'd done.
I may have only cheated on her that one time, but it ended up ruining our marriage, even though I've still never told Jenn what the actual cause was. Whenever I was with Jenn after that, I'd feel the guilt for what I did, the shame of having let her and our family down. I should've told her; I should've come clean and explained why I was having difficulty being around her, being intimate with her. That it wasn't her fault, it was something bad that I'd done.
The bottom line was that it was easier for me to walk away than to tell her the truth, to see the disappointment in Jennifer's eyes, to see that turn into rage or hatred for me. I've regretted that decision ever since. It feels like I've pushed the consequences for my actions down the road, to not ever deal with them.
It's a week later as I again make my way to Raleigh, I've been thinking about our birthday celebrations tonight along the way. Today is Jennifer's birthday, tomorrow is mine. Jennifer has been able to take tonight off work as well, she worked an extra shift during the week to make up for it.
As I greeted Billy and Sam in the living room, Jenn came out looking as wonderful as ever, but especially so today. She greets me with a hug, and we then give each other a kiss on the cheek saying happy birthday to one another.
"So, what's the plans for this evening? I forgot to ask when we spoke during the week." I asked Jennifer.
"We're having a cook-out at my parents' place. There'll be a few friends there as well, but nothing too big. Are you doing anything tomorrow night for your birthday back in Norfolk? Going out with friends or getting drunk?" Jennifer asked me.
"Me, drunk? Yeah, right. No, I don't have any plans for Sunday night, I'm happy to have my birthday a night early, here with you and the kids tonight."
Jennifer smiled and nodded at me; however, I couldn't help noticing the way she looked at me and gave me that warm smile. It was different to before, it was more of a loving smile, and it made me feel good inside. It's a feeling I haven't felt with Jennifer in a long time. Did I just imagine it, or was there something in that look of Her's?
