The invitation was hand-delivered to me, and written in raised gold-leaf printing.
"Mr. Robert Welles requests your presence at a party commemorating his years in entertainment." I read out loud as Jeff Murphy idly read a magazine nearby.
"Welles...Welles...where do I know that name? Is this the guy that-"
"Yes, it's THAT Welles." Jeff Murphy said without looking up.
"The same guy who produced those old films?"
"That's the guy."
"I don't get it, why am I being invited?"
Jeff looked at me with exasperation in his face.
"Why do you always put yourself down? This is a big invite that even Chuck didn't get!"
"I know but..."
"But nothing! Go to the party!" he said "Do you know how many people get an invite to his place? Jesus, Jim I'll never figure you out!"
With that, Jeff walked out of my office, probably yelling all the way down the hall.
I could tell he was jealous, but he was probably right.
But what some would call insecurity, I'd call disbelief. I knew Mr. Welles from his books and his career in films was legendary, I'll say that. He produced several classic films, ran Hollywood Pictures for many years and was really seen as a classic Hollywood mogul. Even my director friend John McDonald, who never failed to scare the hell out of me at some point, was intimidated by him. But I still wondered why someone like me was being invited to a party at his place and not the higher-up at Artists Unlimited, people like my boss Chuck Tyler. And/or his second in command Jeff Murphy.
Only one way to find out.
Deep in Beverly Hills was a house called Woodland. It was Mr. Welles' pride and joy and would be the site of this party I'd been invited to.
The home wasn't garish or high-tech, it was old time Hollywood glamor, with large double doors, lush greenery outside and antiquities inside. But for what seemed like a huge event, the guest list seemed was either very small or I was an early arrival. I parked my Mercedes SLK convertible and was immediately drawn, not to the house but to another car that had arrived before me, a bright yellow Lamborghini.
"Mercy...mercy me!" I said to myself as I looked over its sleek lines that seemed other-worldly. In all the time I'd been in Hollywood I didn't ever recall seeing one of these on the roads, only in the pages of car magazines. I crouched down to look closely at the gleaming logo on the nose and I could see my reflection in it. I had to get a photo of this.
"Pretty nice wheels, huh?" I heard a female voice say, making me look up from adjusting the camera app on my phone.
"Very nice...I've never seen one of these." I said as I stood up.
"Yeah, I never had either...it was an impulse buy." she said "Still can't believe I own it."
"It does seem like some kind of dream mobile."
"Hi...Jenny McCarthy." she said as she extended an elegant hand.
The mystery woman was revealed to be Jenny McCarthy. She had the blondest hair I'd ever seen, it looked like it had been hand painted in gold. And she wore a beautifully simple and sexy red silk dress.
"I'm Jim." I somehow said.
"Jenny and Jim. Hey, that's got a nice rhyme to it."
"It's all in the 'J's I guess."
"Oh, yee-ah!" she replied with that wiseguy (or girl) tone of hers "So why are you here? Friend of Mr. Welles?"
"To be honest, I'm not sure. I've never met him."
"Same here. Let's go in and find out."
She impulsively took my hand and we went inside the elegant house where we were met by a well-dressed English butler who directed us to the pool out back.
"Holy shit!" Jenny said to me "The only other pool I've seen like this was at the Playboy mansion."
"You said it..." I replied.
At first glance it seemed a little ordinary, an egg-shaped pool. But the elegant fountains and the greenery that surrounded it were unlike any I'd ever seen. It was simple elegance personified.
"The guest list must've been pretty small." I said as I looked around.
"Yeah, where do you suppose we could get a drink?" she asked
"Over there looks promising."
I pointed to a small bar that actually had a few people around it.
"Ah, signs of life." she said
Jenny and I got glasses of wine and she began chatting with a couple who seemed to know her. But their conversation somehow bored me and my eyes drifted back to the house and then to a smaller building near the tennis courts. Several more people began arriving and Jenny recognized them too.
"I wonder if Mr. Welles would mind an explorer like me?" I thought to myself.
The party sounds drifted behind me as I cautiously began walking the grounds. The small building was unlocked and I quietly stepped inside. It turned out to be a screening room with aged leather chairs and framed posters for films Welles either directed or produced, all classics. I might have the nickname of "Hollywood Jim" but what I was staring at was real Hollywood history. Perhaps that accounted for the reverential silence I had as I looked at all the photos and posters on the walls. On a shelf, behind glass that was probably bulletproof, was a glittering gold statue.
"No way..." I mumbled as I looked closer.
It looked like an Academy Award.
Then I saw the inscription;
"Awarded to Robert Welles for best performance by a Cocksman in a leading role"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jenny making her way to the screening room door.
"Hey, I wondered where you went. I never got to talk to you, you just disappeared."
"Oh, just looking around...curiosity, you know." I said
"Yeah, this place is something...whoa is that an Oscar?" she said excitedly.
"A slightly twisted Oscar if you ask me."
Jenny looked closely at the inscription, then put her hand to her mouth and laughed.
"That is be-yond twisted!" she laughed.
"Demented, maybe?"
"Yes, that's it!" she laughed.
"I think he must have very interesting friends too."
"I found out Hef's one of them."
"Really?"
"Yeah, they had some fun times together at the mansion."
"Maybe he gave him that award."
"It would be the kind of joke he'd do."
"Um, if you don't mind my asking...uh..."
"What's Hef like?" Jenny replied, it seemed like she'd been asked that question many times before.
I sheepishly nodded.
"He's a good guy, he never forgets his friends."
"Sounds about right, I almost met him once."
"Almost met him? What happened?"
"It's a long story, but I helped out a friend of his and he thanked me over the phone" I referred to the time I helped out Bridget Marquandt of "Girls Next Door" fame when her car broke down in the midst of a rainstorm and word got back to Hef "He sorta gave me an invite to the mansion but I never knew if it was serious or not."
"Ah, I see...he probably meant it."
All the time we'd been talking, Jenny had been looking at me and idly twirling a lock of her hair.
"What do you do, anyway?" she finally asked "I've been talking to you all this time and never asked."
"Oh, I work for Artists Unlimited." I said as I fished out a business card and gave it to her.
"Special Photographic Projects Director, huh?" she read.
"A fancy way of saying staff photographer."
We both laughed at that one.
"I like that." she said
Just then her phone buzzed, she quickly took a few steps outside to answer it. She looked at me and flashed that electric smile of hers at me.
"Hey, I've gotta take off." she said "I promised my son I'd take him to Disneyland tomorrow so I need to make it an early night."
"That's cool, I've never been there."
"Oh, you should go. At least once to say you've been there."
"I'll add it to my bucket list, then."
"Well it was good to meet you Jim...I'm gonna hold onto this." she said as she held my business card "you know, in case I need my picture taken."
"I'll be glad to do it."
"You'll be glad you did, bye babe." she said as she quickly walked back up the great lawn.
I felt it was time I left too, I never did meet this mysterious "Mr. Welles". Maybe I can bluff my way out of any questions I get about this evening. At least I met someone with perhaps as many stories as Mr. Welles.
Two weeks later, I was flying to New York, accompanying Tigress to an appearance on "The View" in conjunction with announcing their world tour which would start at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Usually it wasn't necessary for me to go, but they liked having me along, they always got good photos, so a day or two away from the office was nice.
That morning I rode with "the girls" to ABC's New York studio and we were ushered down a long hallway and past what seemed to be offices for each of the hosts. Whoopi Goldberg immediately came out of the makeup room and was eagerly chatting up the girls, so photos were a must here.
"Get a shot, 'Hollywood'!" one of them giggled.
"Hollywood? What kind of name is THAT?" Whoopi asked quizzically.
"Don't ask!" another laughed
All I could do was shrug my shoulders and click the camera. Sherri Shepard soon appeared which led to another round of laughs and "why do they call him "Hollywood?" jokes.
An announcement that echoed through the hall was soon heard by all;
"5 minutes to air everyone! 5 minutes to air!"
Everybody scattered to their "positions" as it were. I checked my gear and looked for the green room, just as I turned a corner I collided with 3 other people, one of whom suddenly recognized me.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" one of them happily asked.
It was Jenny.
"My job, I said I was with Artists Unlimited."
"Oh, cool! It's good to see you again."
Her assistant cleared her throat as if to imply something important.
"I think we're running late, Jenny." she said diplomatically.
"Right, will you be able to stick around?" Jenny said as we began walking.
"Yeah, I'm here with Tigress."
"Great! See you later, then." she said as she headed for the stage entrance.
The stage doors closed, a red light began blinking and the audience was heard as the ladies of The View came out. Candy and Mandy from Tigress were guest co-hosts today so my photo taking would be fairly limited. An assistant showed me to an area where press people or special guests were usually seated and, lucky me, I was by the show's producer who was often the brunt of jokes from the show's cast. But I was also close to Jenny who gave me several happy glances during the show until Sherri finally noticed.
"Girl, who are you looking at?" she asked while they were still on the air.
"Oh, the guy over there, he's with Candy and Sandy." she replied as she pointed me out.
"We know him very well!" Candy said laughing "He takes all our photos."
"Stand up, then!" Sherri said
The cameras had found me and I had no choice but to acknowledge them.
"That's Jim, he always makes us look good." Sandy said, knowing how shy I could sometimes be. So I humored them and gave an elegant wave to the camera and the audience who got a good laugh.
"I wonder if Mom's watching at home?" I said clear enough to be heard.
This made everyone laugh heartily.
The rest of the show went smoothly enough and I was set to head back home, but the girls wanted me to get some more shots backstage.
"Why not?" I said
Candy and Sandy posed with crew members backstage. Then the show's hosts wanted extra shots too.
"You never told me why he's called "Hollywood"." Sherri said to them.
