A Chrismas Carol

Carol had done the same thing she was doing every night: she had cooked dinner, eaten, done the dishes, and finally plopped on the couch to watch television with her husband of fourteen years. He would stay there with her, occasionally mentioning the shows they were watching, and get up to get ready for bed immediately after the news. He’d come back into the living room, let the dog out, kiss her good night and go off to the bedroom alone. She’d lay down on the couch, switch to the reruns she wanted to see, and fall asleep to the sounds of Remington Steele or Law and Order, waking up about 2 or 3 and finally going to bed herself. Tonight she wondered for the thousandth time if comfortable and safe was worth giving up fun and exciting.

She awoke to the sound of snow on the television and wind blowing outside. She looked at the screen for a moment, shook her head and decided that the wind must have moved the satellite dish again. She made a mental note to have Tom get up there and readjust it tomorrow morning. Finally she stood up, stretched, and turned around to turn the table lamp off and begin her nightly routine.

“Carol,” she heard as she clicked the light off.

Carol turned around quickly, startled to find no one in the room with her. She shook her head and then reached for the remote control.

“Don’t do that Carol. It really wouldn’t work anyway, but I like the set on.”

“What is this?” Carol said softly. “Tom, are you playing some kind of prank?”

The wind whipped loudly around the house causing the windows to shudder. Startled, Carol dropped the remote and as it hit the floor the television screen flickered into a perfectly clear picture.

“It’s not Tom, Carol. It’s me.”

Carol’s eyes widened as she saw her old college roommate on the television. Sue was dressed in one of the short dresses she had liked to wear, but the red material was torn down one side. Her hair hung limply and looked as if it hadn’t been washed in a while.

“Surprised to see me?”

“Sue? How can you be here? You died in a car crash last summer. I was at your funeral.”

“Details,” Sue said as she pushed a dragging lock of hair off oh her forehead. “So how are things going for you, Carol?”

“At the moment not too well. I’m looking at my dead roommate and trying to figure out if I need medication or just a quick trip to the shrink’s office.”

Sue smiled wryly, one side of her mouth climbing higher than the other. “Neither one. You’re not crazy. Just tired and bored with life.”

“And how do you know that? We haven’t done more than exchange Christmas cards in five years.”

“When you’re dead you see a lot of things. I see you sleeping on the couch every night while your husband sleeps in the bedroom. And I see the dreams you have about your daughter’s math teacher.”

“Hey, leave my daughter out of this.”

“Fine. But mostly I see how unhappy you are with your life and how much you’ve lost since we graduated so long ago.”

“So why are you here?”

“You know the drill. Don’t you remember your English Lit classes? When you die you have to spend your afterlife walking the earth until you atone for all of the bad stuff you did as a mortal. It’s my turn. I have to correct all of my past misdeeds.”

“What is this, ‘A Christmas Carol?’ Dickens wrote fiction if you remember. You were never really good in English.”

“Dickens was simply a very perceptive man. I suspect he had been visited by one of us at some point. Maybe he was trying to atone for something before he died. I don’t know. All I know is that I have to atone and you are next on my list.”

“What do you mean, you never did anything bad to me.”

“Well, I fucked your boyfriend once when we were roommates, but that’s not….”

“What do you mean you, did that, with my boyfriend?”

“Still can’t say the word fuck, huh. You never could. You remember that dweeb Bob Tuttle you were going out with junior year? He came over to visit you one night but you were in the library studying, as always. We sat and had a couple of beers waiting for you. He made a pass at me and I caught it. Didn’t you wonder why I looked a little disheveled when you got home? You know I always tried to look good, especially when there was a guy around.”

“You did it with Bob? You lying little bitch. You told me that he had just gotten there and that you two were watching TV.”

“We figured that what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. You certainly weren’t doing him. And no one else would sleep with that geek. It was really a kind of a mercy fuck.”

“My sex life is really none of your business, thank you. And I can’t believe you’d have the gall to do that to one of my old boyfriends and them come here and crow about it. I thought you were supposed to atone, not make people feel worse.”

“You’re right. Sorry. I shouldn’t have told you about Bob. I didn’t come here to brag about my conquests. I came here to help you figure out what the hell went wrong with your life.”

Carol stood up straighter and pushed her shoulders back. “What do you mean, figure out what the hell went wrong with my life? There’s nothing wrong with my life. I have everything I want.”

“Except your daughter’s math teacher, right.”

“You said you’d leave her out of this.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I did say that. Sorry about that. I’m still new to this atonement stuff.”

“So what’s wrong with my life?”

Sue snorted in a most unladylike manner. “Where are you right now?”

“In a drug dream, I think.”

Sue’s voice got a little louder. “Where are you, goddamnit?”

“Standing in the living room listening to my dead ex-roommate lecture me about the quality of my life from the inside of my television set.”

“And where is Tom?”

“Asleep in our room.”

“Right. And you don’t see anything wrong with that? I may have flunked English but it seems to appear as if you have forgotten all of your math skills. Or is that why you like to take Mr. Reynolds to bed with you every night? And what is the significance of the old-fashioned tape calculator? I really can’t get that one. I thought I was into about anything, but that one has me stumped.”

“You mention that one more time and I’ll turn the TV off.”

“Won’t work. Go ahead, try it.”

Carol picked up the remote and hit the power button repeatedly, but the television stayed lit. “Told you. Now, back to the atoning. Do the math, Carol. Your marriage adds one and one to get two single people who happen to live under the same roof. At least for the moment.

“What do you mean, at least for the moment?”

“Never mind that. When is the last time you made love with Tom?”

“That is none of you goddamn business. How dare you….”

“I told you, I have to atone, and that makes it my business. I can’t move on until I get you where you need to be. And, by the way, it was three weeks ago last Saturday. You two went back into your bedroom, you turned off the lights, he reached over and grabbed your tit, you crawled on top of him, fucked him in five minutes and you both went to sleep. You’d both have been better off masturbating that doing that.”

Carol staggered backwards and sat down roughly on the couch. “How….how….”

“It’s the atonement thing. We have to do a little research before we visit someone. I’ve been watching you on and off for months now.”

Carol dropped her head into her hands and began to cry silently. Sue’s expression softened and she looked like she might lose a few tears herself. “It’s okay, Carol. You’ve got the time to fix it.”

Carol looked at the television through blurry eyes. “But I don’t know how.”

“And that’s my atonement. I have to show you. Now the rules don’t let me do it myself, because I’m only allowed one contact to do my job. That part makes it a real bitch, you know? But I have some friends who are going to come visit you tonight. Each one will have something to teach you. Listen to them, Carol. Learn their lessons. If you do you’ll be most of the way home by morning. Remember to open your mind to all of the possibilities, and they will show you the way,” Sue said as the picture began to get fuzzy. “Gotta go now, hun. Remember that I really do love you, in my way. And I’m sorry about Bob….”

“Sue? Come back, Sue. You can’t do this,” Carol said between sobs. “Sue?”

But there was no reply from the television. Eventually, Carol picked up the remote again, turned the set off and walked into the bedroom to get ready for bed. She changed into her nightgown and shook her head, trying to convince herself that it was all a dream. She walked into the bathroom she shared with her husband, closed the door, and flicked on the light. Immediately she was greeted with a loud and raucous laugh. She whirled around quickly and found a large, athletically built man standing behind her. “Who are you?”

“Come on, Carol. You read Dickens. I’m the ghost of Christmas Past. I’m here to show you a few scenes from your past to try and get you to wake up a changed woman.”

“How did you get into my house?”

“Does it really matter?”

“I guess not.”

“Good girl. Take my hand and we’re going to take a little trip.”

“Where are we going?”

“Into the past,” he said as he reached out to her.

“Do I need to change?”

“Yes,” he said, “but not your clothes. Come on.”

Carol reached out and touched his hand. She felt a moment of disorientation, and then realized she was standing on a rooftop looking into an open window. “Where are we?”

“Charlotte, North Carolina. But more importantly, can you figure out when we are?”

Carol peered into the window. “My parent’s apartment. I haven’t been here since I moved out after I graduated from college. It looks just like I remember it.”

“Of course it does. It is exactly what you remember. Keep looking.”

Carol looked again. In the dimness she could see two people kissing on the couch. “If they would turn a light on I could see better,” she said.

“If you had turned a light on your parents would have known you were in there. Don’t you remember the day?”

Carol felt wind as she moved magically closer to the scene. “John Pearson. We went out a few times in high school. Oh my God, It’s Christmas Eve of my senior year.”

“Exactly,” the Ghost replied. “About twenty minutes ago John tapped on your window and talked you into letting him in. You got him some egg nog and chatted for a few minutes, then he kissed you.”

“My first kiss.”

“Bingo. And now he’s trying the best he can to let Big John come out and play. Watch him. It’s kind of comical really, the way he slides his hand up to feel your breast. Just like a teenager. No patience.”

Carol watched as her younger self grabbed John’s hand and pushed it away from her breast.

“Aw, come on Carol. Just a few minutes. I promise I won’t go any farther.”

“No, John. I don’t do that.”

“Why not? It’s not like it hurts or anything.”

“Because I just don’t do that.”

“Then I guess I need a new date for Ring Dance next month. I only asked you because I figured that you’d put out.”

Carol’s younger self slapped him across the cheek. “Get out of here you horny little bastard before I scream and call my Daddy.”

“All right, I’m leaving. I don’t have time to waste with you anymore. Betty Wilson’s got better tits, anyway.”

Carol sat there for a moment after he left, then wrapped her hands around her face. After a few minutes, she got up and went to her room.

“Sad really,” the Ghost said. “That one evening ruined you for years. You didn’t go on another date until you’d been in college for a month.”

“He was a complete little scumball who only wanted one thing.”

“Exactly right. I’m glad that you turned him down. If you had fucked him you would probably have married him and ruined your life. But why not have just a little fun. What harm would some innocent teenage groping have done?”

“I was saving myself. I’m glad that I went to Tom’s bed a virgin.”

“And so is Tom. And if that was what you really wanted, you should be happier. Is it what you really wanted?”

“Of course it is.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Carol, be honest with yourself. If that was what you really wanted, why are we here.”

“You tell me, you’re the expert.”

“I can’t. The rules won’t let me. But I can show you,” he said as he reached out and touched Carol’s shoulder.

The dizziness was more pronounced this time but it passed more quickly as well. “What do you see, Carol? When are you?”

“I see myself lying in bed in my college dorm room. I don’t know what year.”

“Yes you do. Watch and think.”

Carol walked closer to the figure turning on the bed. She was taken by surprise when the figure on the bed threw the sheets off of herself and got out of bed, walking right through the Ghost. He laughed, shrugged his shoulders and muttered “tickles” before turning around. “Watch.”

Carol moved over and sat in the desk chair, watching herself look in the mirror. “What’s wrong with me?” she heard herself ask. “Why doesn’t he want me?”

“Sophomore year,” the older Carol said. “I had just found out that the boy I was interested in was sleeping with someone else.”

“That’s right. And how did you find out?”

“Don’t make me go there.”

“I have to.”

“Atonement again?”

The Ghost just nodded. “It was Christmas Eve. I had to stay on campus that year because I had a job and if I had taken the time off they’d have fired me. I needed the money so I stayed and worked. He was one of my coworkers at the store. I had a crush on him for months, and I finally worked up the courage to flirt with him a little.”

“Was that hard for you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I was scared?”

“Really?”

“Yes. Scared of where it would lead.”

“Remember the rest of the story.”

Carol watched as her younger self dried her tears, washed her face, turned the lights off and crawled back into bed. “I had gone to a lingerie store that morning before work. I bought some red panties to wear. I wore them that day at work and flirted with him more than usual. I felt sexier than I ever had in my life.”

“Why did you feel sexy?”

“Because I knew I was wearing red panties and I was going to show them to him that night.”

“Did you?”

“Yes. I noticed him watching me so I made sure that my skirt slipped up a little too high when I bent over to pick up some forks that I had dropped on the floor in front of him.”

“Were you wet when he was looking?”

Carol looked at the Ghost. “Yes,” she said as another tear slipped out of her eye.

“Keep going. What was the rest of the story?”

“He invited me over to his apartment for Christmas Eve dinner after work and I accepted. He got off work two hours before I did and I thought he was going back to fix dinner. God, I spent the rest of my shift wondering if everyone in the place knew I planned to lose my virginity that night. Finally I got off work and I went over there. I knocked on the door but he didn’t answer.” Tears began to flow down her face more freely. “I tried the knob and it was unlocked, so I went in. I heard noises from the back of the apartment and went to see if everything was okay. I saw him making love to another woman.”

“They weren’t making love, were they?”

“No.”

“What were they doing, Carol?”

Carol wiped the tears from her face. “They were fucking.”

“Good. Tell me.”

“She was on her hands and knees on the bed and he was behind her, thrusting in and out of her. Both of them were moaning. I remember standing there, horrified, and watching a bead of sweat drop from his face onto her back. It eventually ran down her back and down her butt until it fell onto him as he was about to orgasm. I laughed at that. That was when he looked up and saw me. I turned around and ran out. I don’t remember if I even shut the door behind me.”

“You didn’t, but that doesn’t really matter. What happened next?”

“I ran back to my dorm room and cried myself to sleep.”

“Not really. Watch.”

Carol focused her attention back on the girl in the bed. Her eyes widened as she saw herself pull up her nightgown and reach into her red panties. She saw her hand moving faster as her other hand reached up to caress her breast. The girl finally stood up, pulled the nightgown over her head and dropped it on the floor. She reached into her panties, still standing, and began to thrust her fingers into herself furiously. Her body shuddered with the force of her orgasm.

“You looked good in those days Carol. You still do.”

“How do you know?”

A twinkle entered his eyes. “I’m a Ghost. I see everything.”

“Then you see the extra weight and the wrinkles and the sagging breasts.”

“I see maybe twenty extra pounds. A few small wrinkles around your eyes do nothing to diminish them. And I see the love your husband has for your breasts when you let him see them. What happened to the red panties?”

“I threw them away that night.”

The Ghost looked at her very sternly. “That’s not all of the story, is it?”

Carol dropped her eyes, unable to look at the Ghost. “No. I pulled them out of the trash can the next morning,” she said as the dizziness began again.

“Where are they now?” the ghost asked, seemingly from a great distance away.

“In the back of my bottom drawer….”

Carol opened her eyes to find herself standing in front of the bathroom mirror. She saw dried tears staining her face. She looked carefully at the face in the mirror and realized that while she was older, some of the youthfulness was still there. “You’re never going to be a supermodel, kiddo,” she said. She stepped back from the mirror and with a quick movement pulled her nightgown off over her head. Standing there in her panties she cupped her breasts in her hands, caressing the nipples until they became erect. She dropped her hands and took a long look. She saw a small rounded tummy where the extra weight had crept in. She knew that a little walking would take care of that but never seemed to find the time or energy to do it. Her panties were plain, the beige that she preferred, and hid everything from her sight. She wondered how she would look in the red panties in her drawer. They were the only pair she had ever owned that were designed for show rather than function. And she had never put them on again after that night. She pulled at the elastic around her waist and what she was wearing fell to the floor with a soft whispering sound as they slid down her legs. She looked at her naked body, mentally comparing herself to the woman she had just seen in her vision. She ran her fingers through the dark curls, wondering if there was more to life that what she had.

Her panties and nightgown back in place, she slid between the sheets and wondered what her husband was thinking as he drifted off to sleep that night. Disturbed by her movement, Tom rolled onto his back and his hand flopped onto her thigh, staying just below her pubic hair for a second or two before it slid onto the bed beside her leg. The electricity she felt as he touched her ever so briefly and accidentally caused her to shudder. She closed her eyes and reached into her panties. A finger slid easily into the gathering moistness. She inhaled sharply and pulled her hand out. A musky aroma reached her and she wondered absently if the roof was leaking again as she drifted off to find herself standing on the deck of a very large house. She looked around in confusion as a wave of dizziness passed and she realized that she heard noise behind her. She turned quickly and saw a hot tub, jets bubbling furiously. In the tub there was a man sitting and laughing with a beautiful young woman on each side of him. He had one of his arms around each of them and was reaching down to fondle their breasts. The man was very muscular and the women were extraordinarily beautiful, the tops of their breasts jutting out from their bodies proudly and with their nipples crinkled from the slight chill in the air. She was momentarily jealous of the perfection of their breasts. The man laughed and Carol was somehow certain that the clothing under the water matched what they were wearing above the water.