A Destination Wedding 01

A destination wedding 01

Not only was it the first wedding that I ever attended, it was also a destination wedding, LOL, kind of. I mean, my old classmate Blake and his bride were coming from a northern state, but all I had to do was to drive 2 hours to the coast. Oh, and as an experienced coastal weekend warrior over the years, I knew the tricks when it comes to asking the hotel front desk clerk the right questions, which means for half of the cost, I had a better hotel room than those reserved for the destination guests. So, my first wedding and reception had a lot going in my favor.

Also, ah, don't tell anyone I said this, but the ceremony itself is, well, not as exciting as I thought it would be, but that's just me. I mean, I spent most of the ceremony looking around at the wedding guests and making mental notes of who I knew and who I didn't. So, in case anyone asks, my official position is that it was an absolutely wonderful and exciting ceremony and everyone looked great, OK?

Anyways, after the wonderful and exciting ceremony, while the bride and groom went through the photography side of the event, I mingled a little with the guests in the hotel lobby. What I learned from my mingling was that I did know a few people at the wedding and most importantly, it was perfectly acceptable to change into something a little more comfortable for the dinner reception, which sounded cool to me. I mean, everyone looked great during the ceremony, but at 22, I was certainly in a position to prefer Khaki's over suit pants, so yay to destination weddings, right? I mean, there was the nice hotel, the ocean beach and the ocean itself, so changing sounded great and it sounded like everyone had almost two hours to make up their mind.

Oh, and also during my mingling, I happened upon Mrs. Olsen, who was a friend of my mom, you know, back in the day.

"OMG, Mrs. Olsen? Miss Brandi? I didn't recognize you. And might I say, wow, you look amazing in that dress!"

"OMG, Jake from down the street! Oh, it's so good to see you. Ah, you must know Blake the groom, right Jake?"

"Yeah, yeah, we hung together back in school. Anyways, I'm happy to see you and not just for that dress you're wearing. It's so very good to see a familiar face here. So, are you friends with Blake's mom or something?"

"Ah, yeah, Blake's mom, Susan, but the truth is that I desperately needed this trip to the coast and I agree that it's great to see a familiar face, but you know, right?"

"Ah, I don't follow, but I know what?"

"Well, Jake, at your tender age you may not understand these things, but I look this good in this dress because of two layers of shape wear, so pull your eye balls back in and whatever you do, don't scream out "release the Kraken!" because my shape wear might take out a wall when I start the unsnapping process, LOL."

Ah, nope, I really didn't understand most of that, but I clearly wasn't thinking with my head at that moment, although, LOL, I made a mental note to watch what I asked for, especially for the release of the Kraken.

"Ah, I'm sure you're exaggerating, but I'll be careful what I ask for as the weekend goes on. Anyways, it sounds like it's OK to change into something a little more comfortable, so let me ask you about what that means. This is pretty much my first wedding, so the rules are a little unclear to me."

"Oh, well Jake, some will keep their suit pants on, some will change into long leg pants like Khaki's and a few will change into shorts, and LOL, hopefully, appropriate shorts. I myself am going to change into capri pants and a blouse, LOL, even though the shape wear stays on. Anyways, if your mother was here, I think she would want you to stick with at least long leg pants, but it's your call."

Huh, the wisdom of people in their 40's, right? And I mean that, although my Khaki's were probably wrinkled, they did sound much more comfortable than my suit and jacket. Also, ah, hopefully that was the last time my mom entered this or any other conversation, right? I mean, we all love mom, but there is a place for everything and with Miss Brandi in that dress, well, this wasn't the place for mom to come up.

"Jake, if your pants are wrinkled because people your age just shove stuff into a back pack, I might be able to help smooth them out a little bit. I mean, we're all on the same floor, so I can just walk down."

"Or I used my coastline weekend experiences and got a room on the 9th floor, like room 912, not that we need to throw that around to the others. Which room are you staying in, Miss Brandi?"

"317, I'm rooming with Cindy Burrows."

Huh, so this is how destination weddings work, right? People who know each other shacking up, LOL.

Anyways, we exchanged phone numbers and went our separate ways for a while. I think that she and a few others used the free time to shop on the hotel boardwalk street and I went the other way to quickly find another pair of pants because the Khaki's that I packed were in no condition to be seen in a dinner reception, no matter how casual it was meant to be. Also, LOL, I searched shape wear on my phone and all I could come up with is, LOL, that's cheating, but I'll place a bet anyways.

Anyways, I would say that we all got what we wanted for the short shopping trip up and down the street and paid three times what we would have in a mall, but I had new pants, right? Also, that still didn't stop me from texting Miss Brandi and inviting her up to my hotel room.

"Well, well, well, look at you in your swimming suit, Jake. That's, ah, that's, um, how old are you now, Jake? By the way, permission to enter?"

"22 and I didn't leave the door open for a wandering hooker, so please, come in, Miss Brandi."

"Oh, so Lydia didn't wander by yet, LOL? Anyways, how are your pants looking and drop the "Miss" please?"

Well, I let her check my pants out while I checked her out. I mean, she said that she was going to keep her shape wear on under her short pants, right? But it really wasn't that obvious, LOL, to me anyways, so point shape wear.

"Well, Jake, this will be easy because your suite has an iron, so poof, this will only take a few moments."

I mean, people who have lived for a while and used modern appliances, right? I mean, I thought that thing was a giant game piece.

"Alright, Jake, there you go, not to crisp and not too wrinkled. So, I'll see you in about an hour or so for dinner? The reception is in the Blue Iguana room, by the way."

"Yes, yes, I'll be ready on time. Ah, Brandi, are we supposed to kiss now? I feel as if we should share a moment right now. Do you think we should share a moment while we're both out of town and in a hotel room?"

Oh, so people in their 40's have heard it all, right? Well, maybe, but that doesn't mean they don't mind hearing it again, I guess.

"Hmmm, Jake, ah, you just put me in quite the situation, didn't you? The answer is yes, but I'm not sure that would be appropriate, so the answer is no, but maybe you can try that again after we both have a few cocktails in us after dinner tonight."

Oh, so people in their 40's have that kind of logic, huh? LOL, yes, but no and then no, but yes, a little later, maybe. Huh, right?

Fortunately, the time I required to get ready was a lot less than the time I had available, so I hurried out and made on more purchase, just in case. LOL, unfortunately, the hotel gift shop didn't offer condoms, so I made another walk down the sidewalk until I found a store that did carry such items. LOL, and so did Mrs. Cindy Burrows.

"Oh, well, hello Mrs. Burrows. I was just, ah, getting a cola before the dinner. Ah, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine Jake and I'm on a mission to help my weekend roomie get some action tonight. And by the way, I followed you, so drop the cola act and put those condoms down on the counter. Oh, cashier, oh Miss young cashier, my friend here is ready to cash out with these max condoms! Hello????"

Oh, so people in their 40's aren't shy, huh? Ah, no, they are not and neither was the young cashier girl. Unless cashier's just smile like that at all of their customers.

"The rest is up to you Jake, but let's be clear that if everything goes right tonight, well, does a towel on the door knob still mean the same thing these days as it did back in my day, Jake?"

Alright then, we're talking condoms, we're talking towels on the door knob, so we're talking about an overnight guest, right? And the young female cashier was still smiling way too much, by the way.

Whatever, right? After all that, it was time to attend the dinner reception and gain my first experience with wedding reception dinners.

"Alright Miss Brandi, ah, is this a good reception or what?"

"Jake, so far, this is about right. Standard chicken or beef for dinner and way too many glass-clinking kisses. But we'll see what happens as the clock approaches 10pm."

"Ah, is that the magical hour?"

"We'll see. By the 10pm, the groom should have consumed too many cocktails, the bridal team should be yelling at each other, the bride should have cried at least once, then there needs to be at least one wedding guest who can't see or talk straight and then we'll have to count how many extra affairs occur in the hotel lobby, the restroom hallway and on the side of the hotel grounds. After all that, LOL, then we'll see how this reception stacks up. I mean, as your friends start to marry off, well, this is what you have to look forward to, the wonderful world of drunk events, I mean weddings."

SOB! People in their 40's with real life experience, right? I mean, tell it like it is, right?

"Well, I think you may have been in the restroom when that guy over there in gray coat kind of went off the deep end. He passed out in the chair and no one seems to care, but he was off the rails for a few minutes."

"Damn shape wear and the extra 15 minutes it takes in the restroom! I missed that, but hopefully I didn't miss much else. I'm always on the prowl for dirt to toss around during our Bridge game nights. So, what else did you see, Jake?"

"Oh, well, I didn't follow anyone, but I might have seen a few suspicious couples sneaking off in different directions."

"And by that, you mean sneaking off alone from the tables that they were sitting at? And by the way, why in the hell didn't you follow any them? Which way did they all go? I mean, thanks for waiting for me to get back into my space suit after using the Lady's room, Jake."

"Ugh, I thought this was school stuff, but one of the couples in near the back of the hotel lobby, one couple appeared to be headed towards the indoor pool and your friend Cindy appeared to be going outside for what I assume was a smoke break with a guy I have seen before, but I don't know his name. Is that some good dirt, Brandi?"

"Ahh, Jake, NO. LOL, we need video. Um, my legs are feeling a little fatigued, so maybe you and I should take a stroll around the lobby and grounds. Escort me, Jake????"

Oh, so people in the 40's still use eye batting, huh? Fine, but the joke was on her! I mean, it was awfully hard to draw my eyes up that high, but we strolled just the same."

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, dirt at 3 o'clock! They're making out like teenagers! That's good stuff, right Brandi?"

"Ah, no, they're actually married, so they're just keeping it spicy. But wow, right? That's spicy, which reminds me, I may owe you a proper kiss myself, so let me know when you find a quiet place to pause."

Pause? Is that the same as hooking up? Also, I'm stupid because the pool area is not a quiet place and definitely not a place to 'pause" for a romantic kiss, proper or not. And then I wasn't so stupid because the pool area a door that led right to the promise land. The green space common area.

"OMG, Jake, hold! Look! It's Cindy and that's Mr. Cooper and they are not married, but OMG, is that keeping it spicy or what?"

"Oh, oh snap, I should be so lucky to dip into something that spicy. I mean,"

"Hush your voice, Jake! They will hear us. Get behind these plastic plants and hid us."

Ah, what? Um, did I go back in time to my first boy-girl party or something?

"OMG, Jake, peek at them! Is Cindy doing what I think she is doing with her hands?"

"And her lips, which is all I'm looking because I'm not interested in his southern boarder area. I mean, I'm interested in gawking at your boobs, not your friends absolutely wonderful hand job."

"OMG, is she giving him a hand job and her tongue? Wait, you like my boobs, Jake?"

"Duh and your hips and your thighs and all that stuff, so can we go now? Mr. Cooper is about to blow and I really don't want to see that."

Oh, so tell a woman in her 40's that you like her body and she pays attention, huh?

"Hmmm, I guess we can share that kiss now, Jake."

There, that was what I had been waiting for. And guess what a pair of lips that were in their 40's felt like? Yup, soft, so soft. Not to mention that was a very long kiss, or shared moment should I say. LOL, long enough for Cindy Burrows to finish her work anyways.

"Well, well, well, look at the neighborhood street secret love birds hugging, kissing and grinding like that. Mind if I watch? My guy is done, limp and sleeping against a plastic tree."

"Cindy! Ah, Jake and I just needed some fresh ocean air, so we stepped outside for a moment. I mean, where were you because we didn't see anything?"

"Oh, is that what the cool kids call it these days? Fresh air? I mean, does your precious little neighbor boy toy shoot air from the tip of his tongue? I mean, good to know. Also, do you mind if I find out for myself before the weekend is over?"

Ah, they could both see me, right? I mean, I was standing right there.

"No Cindy, it's not like that. I mean, all of my shape wear had fatigued my legs, so Jake was nice enough to take me for a stroll to stretch them out and we didn't see anything."

"Oh, another good thing to know because Jake is stretching his pants out over you right now, right?"

Seriously? I wasn't totally invisible, right? I mean, I was quite sexually excited, but still, right? I was standing right there!

"Fine Cindy, we shared some laughs, we had some cocktails, and when I noticed that his wiggly was getting big, well, I asked him to walk me out here so we could spy on you. You know that there are things of a sexual nature that I don't know about. I mean, you mention it all the time during our Bridge games, so shut it."

Oops! Hold the destination wedding boat! My wiggly? Seriously? Ooh, ooh, let me try this! Hi folks, I'm Jake, I'm 22 and I'm looking for a place to "pause" because my "wiggly" was growing! How's that for time travel back to say, 1727 or so?

"LOL, wiggly? Seriously, Brandi, his wiggly? Whatever, Brandi. But fine, if you want me to leave, then let me hear you call it like it is and it's not 1727, so never say "his wiggly" ever again."

Oh, so that's how the cat fights go when you hit those precious 40's, huh? LOL, carry on with each other and pretend like the subject isn't even there. I mean, I was there, right? All wide eyed and everything?

"Alright lady's, that's enough. I mean, I'm right here, so no more talk about me or the state of my, ah, my wiggly, I guess."

"Almost, Jake. All this old biddy has to do is let me hear the words "hard fat cock" come out of her virgin mouth and we'll all go back inside. So, Brandi, what say you about your secret date and the state of his even harder wiggly?"

"You bitch!"

"And the bitch is still waiting, Brandi."

"UGH!"

"You're getting closer."

"Fine, I'd do stuff with Jake tonight, but it seems like adding 15 minutes to strip out of all this shape wear would ruin the moment, so Candice, would you mind taking care of Jake's firm wiggly for me?"

I mean, I said enough was enough, but then I changed my mind, right? The cat fight just got real good.

"OMG, you're so close, Brandi! So close. And to help speed this along, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a bitch and that's the same as a slut, so don't waste time with that statement either."

"Ugh, Jake, I understand your present condition..."

"Brandi!"

"Um, Jake, is it alright if Candice does her thing with your big fat thing?"

"Brandi!"

"UGH, Jake, would you like to put your big fat hard cock in Candice's mouth tonight? I promised you a kiss and I fulfilled that promise, but I have my limits which is my way of saying I have sexual issues, Jake."

I mean, I died, right? Is this what the light at the end of the tunnel is all about? Also, I just stated that I was standing right there, right? I mean, shouldn't I be able to respond at some point?"

"And Jake, it's just the first one for the night. I assume that Brandi's sleeping in your bed tonight, right? I mean, cover your head when she let's all that shape wear go loose, but still, right? And by the way, doggie is the secret."

"Candice!"

"Oh, now you shut it, prude! Jake, I've never been intimate with Brandi and her sex stories leave a lot to be desired, but I'm pretty sure that everything still works, so drop your zipper, step behind the plastic tree and let's get this going."

Oh, remember when I said that people in their 40's are not shy? Well, re-read the above, I guess and then you tell me.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ladies. The two of you have been carrying on with no regard to my presence and I'm telling the both of you right now, that's over!"

Oh, what I didn't realize was how sneaky people in their 40's were, right?

"Oh, Jake, I'm so sorry and I'm sure Candice is too, so please accept our apologies. Maybe we should take this up to your hotel room where we can figure all this out in a more private place?"

Wait, what?

"I'm with Brandi, Jake. The three of us should disappear for an hour and figure a few things out. Ah, room 912, right? And we should hurry because I paid the bellboy to drop off Brandi's overnight bag at your hotel room door and we wouldn't want it to disappear, right Jake?"

Wait, what?

"Please Jake? Let Cindy join us and then I promise, I will pause with you."

I don't know, I think I was whistling Dixie as we rode up the elevator, but I wasn't sure and I didn't even care.

And the best part was, LOL, Cindy kept me busy while Brandi unleased her shape wear, which wasn't all that necessary, if you ask me.

Wait, the best part was that everything worked, just like Cindy promised that it would.

Wait, maybe the best part was that it was all a set up and I couldn't lose, right?

End A destination wedding 01