One of the best things in life is finding love where you're looking. I didn't find it there that morning. I woke up feeling a silent breath on my shoulders as she slept next to my skin. In precocious places we had melded burning my senses, returning me to the memories of the night before. I could still taste her kisses on my lips and her skillful fingers tantalizing every sensitive nerve in me. The way that her lips had wrapped around my nipples, so soft yet possessive left me in a misted maze of sensations and emotions. I thought from just her artful caresses of my turgid nipples would send me over the edge with each flick of her tongue. She had said everything was going to be okay, but even at that moment I knew better. I felt something strange building in the pit of my stomach as I watched her auburn eyes lashes resting on the tops of her cheeks. Even then in the earliest of mornings she was beautiful, gentle and enchanting. The first trace of guilt tainted my thoughts until it struck like lightning in my chest. I had to leap out of bed bounding to my feet in one quick motion. I wondered if she even noticed me sneaking out or whether the groan that she made when she turned around to face the wall was an approval for me to leave. Either way I left her sleeping naked under the covers, relieved that she let me go without any questions. I grabbed a shower and my tattered baseball cap and headed off to class. I carried around a looming sense of dread in my back pocket, knowing that I would have to return sooner or later.
It was another cool misty morning with the sky unbroken by the sun and the only sounds were shuffles of late feet and the joggers clomping pass me to some rhythm of their own. I held my heart in my palms as I walked uneasily, following a familiar pair of heels in front of me. I could hardly lift my heavy head to acknowledge the โhellos and the how are yousโ from shadows I recognized. I searched deep in my pockets with my fingertips reaching and looking for the little tube settled on the bottom seam, still walking briskly on the paved path. I was addicted to lip balm and kept rubbing the gloss over my lips until I looked like I had finished an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. I wiped the excess off with the back of my sleeve before I snuck into class hiding in the back.
The stadium seating made it impossible to hunker down in the hole that I was yearning for right then. My eyes scanned the room wondering if anyone else was doing the same, making some uncomfortable eye contacts before I sunk into a hard plastic molded seat. Pulling the bill of the hat over my eyes, I slumped down, trying to make myself as small as I could, hoping to disappear from sight. The brim set my sight level low, which presented just the tops of my knees and the person in front of me in the view frame. I immediately noticed the girl sitting just ahead of me. She had her hair pulled back in a tight pony tail and wore a champagne pink braless tank top and white jersey knit pants that clung in all the right places. Normally, checking out what another girl was wearing would be just something I did, but this morning I became acutely aware of all the girls in class and not just their clothes. I started to wonder about it all: the staring, my feelings, my actions and my thoughts. How often had I done that? Was I checking out their outfits, or was I checking them out? I held my breath when I caught myself staring down her shirt watching her breasts move as she shifted in her seat. Supple and warm, I thought to myself as I could almost picture my mouth around the areolas. My pen cap was little more than a nub by the time class ended.
I grabbed my books shaking my head in disbelief. Was I a lesbian? Oh God! Oh God? She brushed my hip as she scooted by me. I was a ball of nerves shaking under my clothes. I could feel my palms starting to sweat. I couldn't have been gay, I knew I like guys. After all, my fantasies were about men, not women. In fact all my fantasies and day-dream fucks were about Matt. He was a guy, a real guy, a football playing guy. "Heather! What's your deal?โ a voice came from across the room. "What?" I shook my head searching for the voice. I said, what's your deal? You look like you've been dragged around the streets or something.โ Matt chuckled, walking towards me with his Jan's Sport backpack slung onto one shoulder.
He stood over 6'2, and I could feel his presence whenever he was in the room. He had broad flat shoulders, muscular arms with visible veins that wrapped around his forearms, and strong hands that I fantasized about all too often. He wore an "Akira" t-shirt and army green cargo pants and Adidas tennis shoes; I suppose it would be the typical college-guy type gear, but what always interested me was what was under them.
"I don't want to get into it right now. Seriously." I started pulling the straps of my bag over my shoulders. "Ooo seriously. Sounds like coffee-talking words to me. Wanna go grab a cup? I hear there's a muffin involved." He was too beautiful to say no to. "Yeah, but don't expect anything from me.โ I said, dragging my heels with a light and secret bounce in my step at his every comment. "Never do, little buddy." I hated it when he said that. We sat outside on the cold benches at the MT Cup under one of those faded green and white canopies. There were leftover crumbs still residing between the holes in the grated table. I stirred my lattรฉ cautiously to make sure the whipped cream stayed all together. I sipped slowly and watched Matt's curious movement towards me in approach to a hug. It turned out to be one of those bear hugs that you get from your uncle during Christmas when he had drunk too much eggnog and you wished that he would just let you breath. But at least Matt smelled better.
"Tell me. What is it?" He asked genuinely. I wished at times like these that people would speak as though they were in one of Jane Austenโs novels, sweet and eloquent with perfect word choices that always imparted more than their simple meanings. But we did not live in her novels, and in life I have found that there are no perfect words to make everything better. I had always wished that Matt would turn into a romantic, writing poetry and playing the guitar, but his hands were made for pigskin and his mind was stuck in Penthouse forums. "Nothing.โ I replied, hoping he would pursue the question further. This was the most interest he had ever shown in my personal life. Most days he just wanted to know if I had my lab notes or if I knew so and so. He once said I was his best friend, and he could say anything to me and felt like I was his little sister. It was nice that he was that comfortable with me, but it was also painful as well. My friend Ross told me I was the "marrying" type and not so much the dating type and right now guys were just looking for the other. I had become tired of playing the little sister role. I had become tired of Matt calling me cute and sweet then telling me about the girl he had just banged the night before. Something had to be done before I boil over.
"Oh nothing then is it?" he asked, with his lip curled and fingers tapping the warm paper cup.
"Nothing exactly. After all you aren't a woman.โ
"C'mon, what does that mean? You know I'm here for you, anything you need." He smiled and I was ashes again.
"Well there is really only one thing, but I don't think you're up for it." I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. The words seemed to form on my lips on their own accord.
"What do you mean up for it?"
"The only thing you can do for me has everything to do with your dick." I paused. "I need to have sex with a man,โ I stated with ultimate calm. "I want you to take my virginity and sooner the better." I peered over the rim of my coffee waiting for the laughter to begin.
"Ummm--, Heather. I--I dunno what you mean by--Uhh..."
"Well, let me make it clear for you. I have watched enough movies and read enough books and have concluded that I'm pretty much done with my hymen. It has brought me nothing but grief, and being that I am attracted to you and I know you know it and you are my friend AND it is obvious that you seem to not have problems with โsharingโ, I think you should share with me."