"Steve, I want you to fuck my sister," Antony said on the phone, and he broke into gales of hysterical laughter. "I can't believe I just said that!" he said, and he laughed some more. He half covered up the phone and spoke to his partner Donald. "Can you believe I just said that?" he said to him, and he laughed again and I heard Donald's usual infectious giggle in the background. "Oh my God Steve, I'm sorry, that's just too funny," he said, sounding exhausted from laughing so hard. "Are you there Stevie?"
"I'm here Antony, what's goin' on?" I said, with a little laugh myself.
"Here's the funny part. I really do want you to fuck my sister." He tried to stifle another laugh, but it forced it's way out through his nose. "Okay, I'm gonna get control here," he said, and Donald giggled again behind him.
"Okay," he said, finally under control. "First of all, feel free to say 'no thanks' at any time. We just thought maybe you'd enjoy the challenge," he said, and another gale of laughter forced it's way through his clenched throat. "Oh my God, I'm making a mess of this." He half covered the phone again and said to Donald, "I thought we had this ready," making me think they had rehearsed the conversation, and they both broke down in laughter again.
"You know we love you right Stevie? We're not making fun of you or anything," he said, finally calming down.
"I love you guys too," I said. "So what's the story?"
"My sister Lucia, God bless her heart, is turning into a stodgy old maid before our eyes, and it makes us so sad," he said. "Every once in a while she'll have a horrible date and . . . it's just tragic Stevie, I don't know how else to put it. She's gotten so down hearted about men, and she's just retreating into her lonesome world. I know this is a completely presumptuous and odd request, but if you could bring her into that exciting world of yours, even just a little, it'd be like saving someone's life. I swear to God."
"Antony, you know I'll do anything for you and Donald . . . apart from the gay stuff of course," I said, and he laughed hysterically again, covered the phone, told Donald what I'd said, and laughed some more.
"Oh Stevie, you're a gem. One in a million," he said. "I'll tell you right now she's not a great beauty or anything, but she's a sweet person, and twenty years ago had such a spark for life."
"She sounds great Antony. If I've learned anything in these last two crazy years it's that a woman's beauty is mostly underneath the skin.
"Oh . . . Stevie, you're gonna make me cry . . . so, how can we do this?" he said. "I'd really like it if she thinks she's attracting you instead of me sending you, you know?"
"Just tell her you're sending me over to fix something at her house," I said, suddenly feeling odd about the whole thing. Antony could sense it I think.
"Yes, that's good," he said. "And Steve, forget the whole sex thing, that was crude of me and unnecessary. Just be yourself around her, that'll be plenty. Your smile'll make her feel like a million bucks. I know it does for everybody else."
———————
Antony found some things that needed fixing at his sister Lucia's place — a screen door that slammed, and a shelf that was falling apart, and he called me when he was there to set up an appointment. I went over a few days later.
She lived in a small ranch style house, on a street of identically styled homes probably built in the late fifties. Her's looked like it had some flair at one point, but it had gotten a bit run down.
"You must be Steve," she said, greeting me with a small, nervous smile below her somewhat ponderous looking glasses. She had a round face with high cheekbones, and her Portuguese heritage showed in her dark eyes, dark eyebrows, and wavy dark brown hair. "Those boys are just crazy about you."
"It's nice to meet you Lucia," I said, shaking her hand gently. "I'm pretty fond of them too, in a strictly heterosexual way of course."
Her nervous smile got even more nervous. "So, this door here . . . Antony suddenly decided it's been bothering him 'forever', and then he broke my shelf in here," she said as we walked into her living room. "I got the distinct feeling he wanted me to meet you," she said with a nervous smirk.
"Ha! Well, knowing Antony, that doesn't surprise me a bit," I said, speaking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So far anyway.
She squinted at me a little, clearly wondering if I was in on anything. I walked to the shelf and had a look.
"I should be able to fix this up today. I'll need you to clear everything off the lower part here," I said, trying to act professional as long as her suspicion was in high gear. "Let's take a look at the door."
As we walked over she hit me with it. "Did he ask you to come here because of me?"
"Yes," I said, and her face dropped into her hand. "Don't be mad at him. You know how sweet and caring he is. He said he was worried about you."
"And just what are
you
supposed to do about it?" she asked with a smirk.
"This is gonna sound ridiculous coming from me," I said, smiling a little, "but just picture it coming from him, okay? He said my smile makes everybody feel like a million bucks, and he was sure it would do the same for you."
"Ha! Well that does sound like my brother," she said with a little laugh.
"Yeah, he's somethin' else. Great guy," I said with a smile.
"He was right," she said, looking at my smile, and then up into my eyes. "But then, he usually is."
"So if this is awkward, just say the word," I said. "I don't ever want customers to feel uncomfortable with me."
"No it's okay," she said. "Like I said, he's usually right, and who am I to complain. It's not like I've had any men around smiling at me for a while." She looked over the top of her glasses and smirked again. She was kinda cute.
I had a look at the screen door, and told her I'd have to get a new closing cylinder and latch and return the next day to fix it.
"So . . . am I supposed to wear something sexy next time you come? Is that how it works?" she asked, looking over the top of her glasses again.
"In the movies. Only occasionally in real life," I said with a little smile.
"Occasionally huh?" she said. "Did he pay you to be here? I just want to be clear on what's happening here."
Nope, not a dime," I said. "I'm a real handyman. A pretty good one too."
"Yeah I know," she said, still trying to feel me out. "They've been talking about you for years."
"He said you needed some work done. He said you were cute. Both things seem to be true," I said.
"I feel like this is Candid Camera or something," she said, still looking suspicious.
"Antony probably won't be happy about it, but everything's pretty much out in the open at this point," I said.
"Huh," she said. She took off her glasses, put the temple tip between her teeth and squinted at me. "He said you were cute too. Only a gay brother would say that. I'm like ten years older than you ya know."
"Who gives a shit about that? I'm just here to fix your door," I said with a wink, and she smiled.
She put her glasses back on and shook her head. "That brother of mine sure does make life interesting sometimes."
———————
I fixed the shelf and went back the next day to do the door work. Lucia answered the door in a gorgeous little wrap dress, vivid royal blue with light blue and purple accents, a batik type thing that looked right at home with her Portuguese looks. Her full, slightly plump shape filled it out beautifully, and the plunging neckline showed off her remarkable and apparently bra-less cleavage.
"Wow!" I said. "Well this is getting interesting. Just like in the movies."
"Maybe I'm just going out," she said.
"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry," I said, backpedaling as best I could.
She shook her head at me. "It's nine o'clock in the morning. Where would I be going?"
I smiled, but she suddenly looked embarrassed. "I'm feeling a
little
ridiculous here all of the sudden," she said.
"No, far from ridiculous," I said. "This is a wonderful way to start the day for someone like me."
"Someone like you?" she asked, tipping her head down like she was looking over her glasses, but they weren't there. She was wearing contact lenses and had her eyes made up beautifully.
