When my alarm went off at 5:30 on Friday morning, I fumbled for the snooze button and then rolled over, intending to wake up Jessika. To my surprise, the bed beside me was empty. Shaking my head to clear the sleep, I sat up and saw that the bathroom light shone from under the closed door. Jessika must have awakened before the alarm went off, I surmised.
I had just grabbed a pair of shorts and pulled them on when Jessika, fully dressed, came out of my bathroom. Seeing me up, she smiled, walked over to me, and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.
"Thanks for a wonderful night, Mark," she smiled before dropping her eyes and moving past me and out into the hall.
I followed her to the living room. She retrieved her car keys from the coffee table, then stood there staring down at the floor. It was clear to me that something was on the lovely brunette's mind, and I was afraid I knew what it was. I wanted to say something, but no words came to me.
After a few moments, Jessika shook her head, glanced up at me, and smiled.
"I really needed last night, Mark," she said, walking up to me and taking my hand. "But I'm afraid I might've sent you a wrong signal or two. This friendship is very important to me and I don't want..."
Jessika trailed off, biting her lower lip as she looked up at me, so I finished her thought, "You do not want me to think you want more than friendship."
"Yeah," she agreed, glancing down again.
I almost told Jessika that I might want more than friendship, but I was not sure I actually did. Yes, I had felt something the night before in the afterglow of an incredible evening, but I was uncertain how much of that had been the situation and how much had been something more. It did not help that thoughts of my young, blonde lover intruded at that moment, as I truly believed I had feelings for Jessi that went beyond just sex.
"I think we both enjoyed the closeness last night," I told her, "but also I think that is in keeping with our friendship. I did not think anything else, really."
Jessika met my eyes again, grinned, and hugged me tight before saying, "Thanks, Mark."
I shrugged, unsure what else to say. After weeks of back and forth thoughts regarding both of my paramours, I knew at that moment that I was unwilling to give up either of them. I was concerned it was unfair to Jessi, but I could not lose my special friendship with Jessika.
"I'll be working all weekend," she told me as she walked to the door, pulling me away from my thoughts. "I have to pick up some extra work to make up for when I was gone."
"What about Monday evening," I asked, understanding my brunette lover was telling me we would not be able to get together until then. "I will make you dinner, if you want to come over."
"Okay," Jessika agreed, as she opened the door. "I will plan to see you then."
After Jessika left, I tried to get back to sleep, but I found myself thinking about one of my lovers, albeit not the one who had just left. I had not checked my phone at all after Jessika had come over the night before, so I did not know if Jessi had texted or emailed me during that time. After about twenty-minutes of failing to get back to sleep, I got up, went to my office, and retrieved my phone.
As I had feared, I had a half-dozen texts from the twenty-year-old blonde. The first text, which had come in about 7:00pm, asked what I was doing. The second asked if I wanted to get together. The third invited me to use her mouth and pussy roughly when we got together. The next two texts were asking me where I was. The last one, which had come in at just before 1:00am, simply read, "Big tits must b back."
Since it was not yet 6:30am, and I knew that Jessi had been up until at least 1:00am, I did not think she would be awake to receive any text that I sent at that moment, so I put off replying. Instead, I took a long shower, dressed, and tried to do some work. However, I could not concentrate - I was troubled by Jessi's last text message. Even though they were just words on a screen, I could feel the detachment in them, and I could visualize the young woman's expressionless face.
After thinking of then discarding several possible tactics for my reply, I finally decided to be completely open with Jessi. Still, it was with some trepidation that I typed out the following text: "Yes, Jessika is back in town. But I want to assure you that I thought about what you said when you left on Wednesday. I want to be open with both of you, so I need you to understand that I am not ready to take that step. Sorry."
I paused, my finger poised over the screen, ready to send the text. It was the truth, nothing held back, but now that I had typed it, I felt the selfishness of my position. But while I knew this was all unfair to Jessi, who I believed wanted more from our relationship, I realized that I wanted to be selfish. From the time I had met my ex-wife so many years before, I had subverted my own desires. I did not want to do that again. I wanted to explore sex with both of these amazing women, not just one of them. That was, I realized, the true issue I had been wrestling with for the last few weeks - whether I was willing to do something because it was what I wanted, not what I thought someone else wanted.
I took a deep breath, then tapped send. I immediately began to second-guess myself, but I put those feelings from my mind as best I could. There was no going back.
I did not hear from Jessi until Saturday night.
***
"Can I try to win you?" popped up on my phone shortly after 10:00pm on Saturday. The text was from Jessi.
I stared at these words, relieved and uncertain at the same time. I was relieved because she seemed to have decided not to end our relationship outright. However, I was uncertain what she might consider would constitute "winning."
"I am firm on what I told you," I replied.
"k" she texted simply, but it was instantly followed by another text.
"but i can try?"
"I do not think that I could keep you from trying," I texted back.
"wanna come over tomorrow PM?" popped up on my screen.
"Why not tonight?" I countered, suddenly wanting very much to see my blonde lover.
"tired, worked today," she sent back. "and want u to watch somthin but u need computer. check email."
Curious, I went to my office and checked my email. I saw that one had arrived from Jessi just a minute or so earlier. The subject line read, "I want this."
When I opened email, the only text was "want ALL of this," which was followed by a link that appeared to be to a pornographic website. For a moment, I let the mouse pointer hover over the link, unsure what to do. However, my curiosity won out, and I clicked on the link.
The video opened with a young blonde woman, approximately Jessi's age and with a nearly identical body-type, sitting on a bed wearing nothing but a t-shirt and talking to someone off camera. The blonde was cute but not as pretty as Jessi. Still, I suspected that the similarity between my lover and the woman in the video was not a coincidence.
As I examined the blonde in the video, I did not paid much attention to what she and a man off-screen had been discussing, but that changed when he clearly asked her, "Are you ready to get your throat fucked, cunt?"
"Fuck yes!" the actress said with a smile as she nodded vigorously.
The video cut to a scene where the blonde woman was on her knees, naked now, the man, or at least his body from the waist down, now visible in the frame as he slowly pumped his erect penis in and out of the actress' mouth. My first thought on seeing this new scene was that the woman's breasts, while a similar size to Jessi's, were not nearly as well formed as my blonde's were. However, my inspection of the woman's body was interrupted as the man began to rapidly thrust himself down her throat, gagging her repeatedly.
Nearly eight minutes later, I sat staring at the last frame of the video, which showed the blonde actress' semen covered and mascara streaked face and an ad for a different pornographic website. While I had been somewhat aroused at the start of the video, I was not at all so now. Further, I was not quite sure what I thought about what I had just watched, and even less sure how I felt about Jessi telling me she wanted "ALL of this."
The video had shown what seemed to be scenes from a longer video. In those scenes, the man had repeatedly, and in several positions, forced his penis down the actress' throat, usually quite roughly. Several times during the video, she had coughed out thick streams of saliva, but the man had made her continue after each such event. If the woman had not so obviously submitted willingly to what was happening to her, I would have thought he was actually forcing this on her.
It was not just the force with which the man shoved himself down her throat that bothered me, however. Several times throughout the video, the man had smacked the blonde actress in the face with his penis, fairly hard it appeared. Taking it a step further, on a few occasions the man had slapped her face, and twice he had spit in her face. Also, over the course of the entire video, the man had called the blonde a variety of degrading names, although he most frequently called her 'cunt'. I was further bothered by the fact that even though the blonde seem to be a willing, even eager participant, it was obvious from the mascara that had started running down her cheeks early in the video that she had been crying.
