Mike hated going to the Emergency Room. There was always a long wait, incompetent ER techs, receptionists asking stupid questions and a disinterested part time ER doctor who didn't want to be there anymore than he did. He'd been sitting in the treatment room for almost half an hour in a stupid paper gown; all he needed was a half a dozen stitches in his left thumb.
Stupid accident...he'd been rushing to finish removing the old carpet before beginning the oak flooring project. He'd cut toward himself...knew better...the carpet knife had jerked as it hit a rotten part of the old carpet backing and sliced his thumb open. When it didn't stop bleeding in an hour he knew he needed to get it sutured up and get back to work.
Finally, someone was coming to treat him.
Another tech or nurse? No...a doctor...he could tell before he saw the name tag...purposeful and in charge...not one to be trifled with..."Don't fuck with me" look...red hair, small, maybe five four tops...good legs...a body under that lab coat? Pretty...not young, well hell, neither was he, but still attractive...a smile would be nice...
"Mr. Simmons? I'm Doctor Stewart. What seems to be the problem today?"
What, we don't even look at the fucking chart? I'm holding my gauze wrapped left thumb you twit! Settle, calm down, don't show irritation at blatant stupidity...
"I was removing some carpet in my family room; I'm replacing it with an oak floor. I was careless and in a hurry."
"So this was an accident?"
"No, doctor, I decided to end it all by cutting a one inch gash to the bone along the top of my thumb. I realize it's not the traditional method, but what the heck?"
"Have you ever done something like this before?"
"Not since I was seventeen and as you can see from my chart that was forty years ago."
"Have you ever thought about taking your own life?"
"Of course, just like everyone else in the world, even thought about how but just couldn't get past the disgustingly self centered and narcissistic nature of suicide. Should my view change, a carpet knife would not be my self termination tool of choice."
"Do you smoke?"
"Often and with great satisfaction-cigarettes and cigars."
"Use alcohol?"
"Daily, usually in moderation unless I've been subject to an excessive amount of inane banality...like today."
"Use drugs?"
"Love Advil and Nyquil, did smoke pot twice, prior to age twenty-five, did inhale didn't get off on it, nothing past that."
"Do you own guns and have any in your home?"
"Thirty? No, just got another one, thirty-one? Not as many as I would like...really would like one of those Barrett .50 cal sniper rifles but I just can't justify the three to four thousand dollars and then I've always thought it would be cool to get an NFA and buy a machine gun."
"Unprotected sex?"
"Only with close friends and family."
"High risk sexual activity?"
"Well, all sex is pretty high risk; for me at least, I fall in love easily and that can lead to sixteen years of living hell called my first marriage."
"I mean..."
"Sex with gay men, HIV positive or otherwise? Nope, never got into that. Heterosexual anal sex with or without a condom? Sure, why not, but only after we become really good friends and you have a complete blood work-up."
"Okay, Mr. Simmons, the injury is a little irregular and on a joint so glue is out...lets numb up that hand of yours and..."
"I'll pass on the Lidocaine, Doctor, the damned injection is going to hurt a hell of a lot more than a few quick pricks by a small gage needle attached to a piece of silk or whatever in your hopefully skilled hands. Just do it."
"If your hand moves while I'm trying to work..."
"It won't but if you have doubts strap it down. A little bondage is good for the soul."
Dr. Stewart was both efficient and competent. The wound was closed in short order. Mike couldn't wait to get out of the flimsy paper gown, back in his jeans and out of this insane asylum. The good doctor had other ideas.
"Tetanus shot."
"If it makes you happy...I had one a year or so ago but whatever..."
"When was the last time you had a complete medical exam, Mr. Simmons?"
"It's Mike and I really sense you now know more about me than anyone else I know, so I'm certainly ready to go to a first name basis...Doctor. My last complete physical was thirty years ago when I got out of the Army."
"Martha."
"Martha Stewart? Do I get home made brownies and a floral arrangement along with the exceptional sewing project?"