We weren't supposed to meet. That was what we agreed to when we started chatting. No exchange of any real identifying information. Just email tag throughout the day. I couldn't admit out loud how much I wanted you to show up. Just drinks at some dive bar out of the way where no one would recognize you. That's what we'd agreed to when we decided that maybe we needed more than email ... at least once. We were adults. Temptation or not, we set our boundaries and we would stick to them. Just one meeting. That's all. Nothing else.
And yet, after an awkward start, you walked me to my car, stood a little too close as I put the key in the lock and pulled the door open. I didn't want to say goodnight. I lost myself in every fantasy we'd ever shared about the back seat of a car. More than anything, I wanted you to pull open the back door, slide inside, and wait for me to join you.
But you didn't. You just leaned in, your chest pressed to my back, and let your hands move to my hips. I wanted you then. Knew that if you asked me to touch you, if you asked me to climb into the back seat with you, if you asked to go back to my hotel room, I would say yes. For a moment, I thought you might lean in, pull my hair back away from my neck, and kiss me there in that spot you know drives me crazy because I told you a hundred times in our emails.
"It would be easy to be bad." Your voice was a low rumble just past my ear. I could feel you pressed hard at the small of my back, and I let myself sink against you, if for no other reason than to commit that feeling to memory—to keep it for the next time I played alone, thinking about you.
"We don't have to be bad. Just meet for a drink. That's what we said." As much as I wanted to savor the feel of you pressed against me, I took a step away and turned to face you. We both wanted it. There was no doubt in my mind. The one drink we'd allowed ourselves to have had lasted too long, and every time our eyes had met, I could see every email exchange playing behind them. Every dirty thought. Every confession. Every picture. Even then, in the cold night air, I felt my face flush.
"You want to. So do I," you'd said, and you reached out to push my hair out of my face, "We shouldn't." Then you reached for my hips again and pulled me against you. I don't think I'd ever wanted anyone as much as I wanted you then, and you knew it. Could see it in my eyes, the way I barely breathed as my hips pressed into yours, the way I bit my bottom lip to keep from kissing you, the way my hands trembled as I pressed them to your chest and folded into your embrace.
"Then I should go now," I said, and immediately regretted the words. I wanted to stay. Even if that was all we did. Just stood there, under the clouds and the streak of moonlight that peaked down from overhead. We wouldn't have to say a word. I could let my thoughts wander, get lost in another fantasy, the email I'd probably share with you that night after crawling into bed alone.
I don't know why I did what I did next—why I let one hand slip down between us until my palm was pressed against you. When you groaned, I was tempted to wrap my hand around you as much as I could, stroke just a little, but I pulled away and shoved my hands into my pockets.
I felt the key card for the first time all night, and turned it over in my hand as my thoughts raced.
"You don't have to come, and if you don't, it doesn't have to change things, but I understand if it does," I'd said, and reached out to put the key card in your hand.
**********
I looked at the clock on the bedside table, feeling vulnerable in the skirt and stockings as I crossed my legs again. Twenty minutes had passed since I'd walked through the door and rifled through my suitcase for the one thing I shouldn't have packed. Now, I sat here waiting, wondering if you'd come through that door or if I'd wake up in the morning to find an email on my phone that said we had crossed a line, and it was better not to speak to each other again. Maybe this was a mistake. Impulsive. I gripped the sides of my chair and debated whether I should just crawl into bed and hope for sleep, or wait a few more minutes. This was stupid. Reckless. I knew better, and even still, my thoughts wandered to what I'd felt in the parking lot. The heat of you pressed into me, the deep rumble of your voice, your hands on my hips.
Those hands.
Every time I heard footsteps in the hallway, my heart raced. I watched the yellow stream of light that slipped under the doorway, waiting for a shadow to fall there. When it did, I could hardly breathe. The room began to spin, and heat crept down my cheeks, along my neck and into my chest. For a long time, you just stood there, and I knew you were still undecided. You were there at the door, probably with the key card in hand, still trying to talk yourself into or out of whatever had brought you to my door.
When the quick beep of the lock sounded through the room, I sat up straight in my chair and waited. You pushed the door open, and our eyes met in the brief yellow haze of light that stretched across the room as the door closed behind you. Neither of us can speak, and even as shy as I am, as vulnerable as I feel in that moment, I can't tear my gaze away from yours. I don't know what I expect of you. You're standing in my hotel room, staring down at me, and I still expect you to turn around and walk out, not a word spoken.