It's often the smallest things that can be the catalyst that sparks change, a missed connection, a chance encounter or in my case a troll like figure in our despatch department doing her utmost to throw grit in the cogs of my life.
"Vera, I need that commercial invoice processing so we can ship the order to Melbourne, it needs to go by ship because it's huge and it needs to be there in six weeks, if we don't get it out of the door tomorrow we miss the container ship in Felixstowe, it sails at ten past midnight Wednesday morning. If we miss the container ship, we miss our delivery date. If we miss our delivery date we lose the contract. We lose the contract it's," I checked my paperwork, "Six hundred and eighty-five thousand, four hundred and fifty Australian Dollars we won't be getting next year."
Vera looked blearily at her screen, there was at least a full page of unread emails ahead of my request, she blinked at the black and white image then blinked at me. I idly wondered whether she was seeing lines across my face after staring at the screen so intently.
"I can only work in the order I receive emails; each one needs to be dealt with in turn. I don't do it to be difficult or cause problems, it's just when John Benton told me I was responsible for the documentation I took it seriously. Some of us didn't get where we are on our pretty face and pert boobs you know."
I gritted my teeth, straining down on my already aching jaw, distorting my pretty face, and breathed in deeply, making my pert boobs heave under my blouse.
"With respect Vera, today is Monday, I've been asking you for this information for over a week. I think you are doing it to be difficult. I think you are doing it because you only have eighteen months to retirement, and you can't stand to think your job will be done so much better when you're gone that you make things more difficult for everyone, so you look busy and important. Now release my damn shipment."
Well, that helped. Not. She rolled out of her seat and waddled over to the Operations Director's office, going straight in without knocking.
"Mister Benton, I cannot be expected to blah blah blah blah blah"
While she was gone I sat down in her sweaty, saggy chair, rearranged the multiple cushions and opened the shipping software. I typed in the job number and clicked the auto-generator for commercial invoices, despatch notes and manifest sheets. A second click of her greasy mouse and I had barcoded address labels rolling out of the printer.
I figured I had about two more minutes before the Ops director called Malcolm Speight, the Sales Director and I was summoned for a quiet chat without coffee. I decided to use those two minutes to run down to the goods-out dock with my paperwork and ensure we hit our shipping date.
I was wrong, it took at least five minutes for the shit storm to filter down to my level, Malcolm Speight called me in for a heads up.
"Alice, you need to bite your tongue. Vera's been here a long time and knows her job backwards. I agree she can be a little abrasive on occasion but she's very useful to the business. Can you see John Benton, he needs to clarify things with you."
On my own, oh great. Nice back up boss. Ah well, I kept the customer happy, that's the important thing, right?
Wrong. I knocked on John's door, I knew it was not going to go well when he stood and asked me to follow him to Debbie Blanco's office. She's the HR manager and she already had my file on her desk when we walked in.
"Alice, a serious complaint has been levelled at you, it is alleged that you were abusive and aggressive to a disabled and vulnerable colleague and that you undermined her position within the department, also that you have accessed software on someone else's password which, as you know, is in breach of the company's IT policy. Is there anything you'd like to say?"
I started to speak; I had a lot to say. Starting with the passive aggressive refusal to offer any assistance, the rigid sticking to policies of her own making and the risk to the company of losing one of our biggest clients. I didn't mention that her disability being morbid obesity was of her own making because she spends all day force feeding herself on cakes and cookies. I detailed her mentioning of my looks and boobs, not only because I wanted it logged in the minutes that I had pert boobs.
Alright, it was entirely so I could get it recorded. I was trying hard to include 'Firm 32C boobs, shoulder length auburn hair, deep brown eyes, awesomely tight and round bum, long legs and flat muscly stomach' in there as well but Debbie just wrote down 'Alleged personal comments were made, no witness.'
My points were all ignored or disregarded. The absolute cherry on the cake being the Operations Director telling me that as the Account Manager I should have ensured my order was completed in enough time to meet the deadline. When I suggested that it was so tight because his department had dropped the ball three times during manufacturing I came close to punching the smarmy jerk when he waved a hand and stated for the record that it was 'my responsibility to ensure the smooth transition of the order through the factory,' reading it direct from my job description.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have a permanent headache and aching jaw. Toxic management will do that to a girl. I was given a formal written warning for misuse of a colleague's password and 'words of advice' over my attitude to said colleague. I was instructed, in writing, to only use approved means of requesting support and information from the despatch administration team, I clarified that this meant email or written requests and got that in writing as well.
When I got back to my desk Malcolm Speight was nowhere to be seen, I was livid at the way I'd been railroaded and the lack of support from my line manager so the email from my boyfriend that popped in was particularly welcome.
• Hey Ali, I've been offered two tickets to Nodfest this weekend. Jake and Suze can't make it.
We need to be there any time after 11.30 on Friday morning, home again prob Monday morning. Shall I get them?
The way I felt at that moment if he'd said he had a ticket to abseil naked into the middle of St Paul's Cathedral I'd have accepted if it took my mind off work. Nodfest however was a complete no-brainer. It's a music / performance arts festival held in the depths of the Somerset countryside, only over eighteens allowed to keep the alcohol licensing straightforward.
There's a mix of headline bands you'll have heard of and ones you won't on the main stage with a load of other side events going on, all backed up with booze, dancing, street food, more booze, comedy, drama, more booze and did I mention booze?
I bashed out a swift reply.
• Great plan Matt, I'll book Friday and Monday off.
I wrote out my leave request and took it through to Malcolm to sign off, he acted like nothing had happened and even tried to make small talk about festivals and the time he went to Glastonbury. I somehow kept calm, even when he remembered we had customers coming in on Friday and I would be needed there until eleven to host their tour of the factory. We compromised on a half day's leave, but I'd go as soon as the customers did.
Things settled down a bit at work for the next day or so, Vera and I danced warily round each other. More accurately she went out of her way to be even more difficult, and I only dealt with her by email, copying Malcolm Speight, my boss and John Benton, her boss, on every communication. I knew it wouldn't do any good because she wouldn't look at the messages until it was too late but at least the process had been adhered to and management didn't get hassled.
