I knew it'd be like this. I said it would be like this, almost from the start, but was I listened to? Of course not. Heavens! Where would we be if people started listening to their kids?
Not on a bloody cruise, that's for sure. And when I say kid, I'm 42: Hardly a minor, except in my mother's eyes where I still wear short pants.
Ok, so I could have just said no, but then my parents wouldn't be here either and I'd spend the next few years hearing about the cruise they never had. So I caved. I agreed to come along and here I am, stuck on a boatful of old people, feeling like a teenager and damned certain I'm not going to find one. The deal was simple: My parents paid my fare so I'd be available to push my Dad's wheelchair around various ports of call but the rest of the time was mine to waste as I pleased. I'd held out for a stateroom nowhere near theirs and with a double bed because I like my own space.
Four days out of Southampton, I was sitting by one of the Oriana's pools, reduced to ogling a woman my own age. Where's the fun in that? Where were the nubile nymphs in skimpy bikinis that should be parading around a floating swimming pool en route to the Mediterranean? The only good thing about the lack of distractions was that I was finally finishing writing my first novel.
"Oops! Sorry. What are you writing?" The oglee from the pool stood in front of me and 'accidentally' dripped on my netbook. As I reached for a napkin to dab the drop of water off the screen, she sat down opposite me.
"My mother warned me not to talk to strangers."
"She probably told you off for staring at them too, but it doesn't stop you. I'm Aud." She leant forward, made a long arm and helped herself to my OJ. Her accent was very Home Counties and distinctly Money.
"Adam." I introduced myself, grateful for the interruption after four days of 'young man…' and 'Sonny…' and myopic sidelong glances at the scruffy young man with the long hair (meaning me) who was probably only on board to rob them all and make off with a small fortune (very small) in amethyst earrings.
"So Adam, what are you writing?" She fished an ice cube out of the OJ and sucked on it, ignoring a drip of juice that fell into her cleavage. I didn't ignore it: my eyes followed the damp trail of the drop from where it hit her skin until it disappeared into the shadows between her breasts. "Adam?" Aud snapped my attention back to her face. She was smiling.
"Sorry… I…" I searched in vain for an excuse.
"You didn't answer my question." She dropped the ice back in the glass and sipped my drink.
"A novel. A romance."
"A romance novel? You don't look the sort to be writing that kind of book. What's it called?"
"'Adventures in Doggerel and Dogma.' It's about an agnostic poet's infatuation with a beautiful, young and very devout Catholic girl. It's a bit of a departure from what I usually write about but I had a load of cheesy poems I wanted to find a use for and the novel gives me an excuse to publish them."
"Hmm." Aud put down the glass. "So what do you usually write? Anything I might have read?"
"Oh dear. Here comes the conversation stopper… I write pornographic short stories and publish them online."
"Really?" Her eyes sparkled. "Not Literotica by any chance?"
"Yes." I was pleasantly surprised she'd heard of it.
"You know, I've been reading stories on there for years. Oh, this is marvellous!" She actually clapped her hands together. "What's your pen name?"
"Adam Applebiter."
"Doesn't ring any bells, but there are so many authors aren't there?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Anyway, what brought you on board the Oriana?"
"My parents. Dad's in a wheelchair and Mum's too old to push him around so I got volunteered to come along. Though God only knows why they wanted a cruise: The food's too rich for them, they're both on medication that keeps them away from bars and half the ports of call aren't wheelchair accessible. Waste of money really. How come you're here?"
"My husband's the captain. Ex husband, I should say. We've been happily divorced for five years now. I don't like flying and he's got a big boat so it sort of makes sense to travel by sea.
What about you? Married?"
"Never even close to it. I have commitment issues. I do have a son though: He's training to be a commercial pilot."
"We never had children." Aud's smile faded.
"Sorry. Sore point?"
"A bit. It's another good reason for cruising. This tub's strictly grown-ups."
"And there was me thinking the porn would be the conversation stopper. Another drink? Something with a higher octane level than orange juice?"
"No. Thank you." Her smile returned, but I didn't believe it. "I think I'd better go and get changed before lunch." She stood quickly. "See you around, Adam."
"It was nice to meet you." I stood too, offering my hand. She took it and shook it. "Where did that OJ go?" I glanced down the front of her bikini, following the now dry, but slightly sticky looking trail left by that errant drop of orange juice.
"Down boy." She pushed me back into my seat but the smile was convincing again. "Bad dog!" she shook an admonishing finger at me, turned and sashayed away along the deck. Watching her hips swaying as she left, I thought whatever the reason, the lack of kids had its up side: no stretch marks and a very trim figure.
When Aud was out of sight I packed up my gear, strolled back to my stateroom and had a very satisfying manual orgasm while thinking about her.
* * * * *
"Did you go ashore yesterday?" Aud found me in the gym a couple of days later, putting in a few miles on an exercise bike. She looked great in lycra with just a hint of perspiration. I must have looked a wreck. I could feel my vest clinging damply to me and more than a little sweat had dripped off my nose onto the frame of the bike.
"Hello again." I gasped. "Yes. Give me two minutes and I'll tell you all about it." I glanced at the timer on the console in front of me: Just under two minutes to go.
"I'll be in the spa." Aud walked away. I watched that hip action again for a few seconds, then put on a burst of speed for the last minute.
After a quick shower I slipped into the Jacuzzi opposite Aud. There was an elderly couple in there with us who had been with my parent's and I yesterday for the tour of Athens.
"Hello again. Adam, isn't it?" I was recognised by the Jenkins's.
"Hi Mr Jenkins… Mrs Jenkins." I was polite, but I kept my eyes on Aud, whose smile mocked me. "Did you enjoy the Acropolis?"
"Very much. It was my first visit you know? But Ralph…" Mrs Jenkins glanced at her husband. "Ralph has been there before."
"During my national service. I was a photographer. Used to have to photograph every building and vehicle for Whitehall. Somebody used to look at my photographs and decide what needed a coat of paint." Ralph Jenkins smiled wistfully.
"I hope they didn't decide to repaint the Acropolis." I made a lame joke.
"Oh, I didn't photograph the Acropolis." He missed the point. "I had a few days leave and caught a boat there to see the sights."
"Ralph." Mrs Jenkins interrupted. "I think he's teasing you. Adam? Have you been to Greece before?"
