Bac and Forth

I saw him about 8 years ago at a bar. I had already written him off and decided not to say hi since we didn't talk once during high school or after. I chalked it up to him not remembering that we had all of the same classes from kindergarten to 5th grade. That he didn't remember that our older sisters were friends. That he forgot that we lived on the same block. But even back then we never really talked. He didn't know that I would look at his long eyelashes and get lost. He didn't know that I would get some kind of feeling in my stomach and it made me feel delighted and woozy all at the same time. I didn't want to talk to him to get rebuffed and to realize that I truly was forgettable and made more of the minimal interactions that we had. Immediately as I finished my mental calculations, we locked eyes. I saw his eyes light up and his face brighten into a smile. It was too late. I was already looking past him. I saw the sting as I turned my head. Two seconds. I had hurt him in a matter of two seconds. One year later I ran into him at another bar. The moment I saw him I felt hot with embarrassment. I went up to talk to him and in return he gave me a blank stare.

Two years later I saw him at a party for a friend. I was with my fiancé. They caught up as I awkwardly searched the room for a friendly face that would remove me from the peripheral of their conversation. Every year or two I would run into him and we always locked eyes. I would stare through his eyelashes into his caramel eyes. And then we would both look away. It had become a game. He would make sure I knew it when we were at the same events. I would say hello and hug each of his friends that I knew then walk right past him. He would stand next to me with his arms crossed, his face partly bemused, partly offended. I would sit next to him at the bar and order drinks with my back turned to him. He would brush against me as we moved through the same place. Back and forth, always back and forth.

I saw him at a mutual friends birthday party. I immediately felt a shift. I sat at the bar and watched him as he walked directly to me and said hello. I couldn't help but find that familiar feeling in my stomach. Ripples of adrenaline coursed my body. We simply chatted. He asked about my ex-fiancé. He talked about our sisters and the street we grew up on. We talked about all the kids we knew from school.

An hour and half had passed and I needed to check on my friend across the room. I touched his arm as I thanked him for such a lovely conversation. I felt electricity. I felt like I was being buried in sand. I stumbled and managed to get out something that sounded like-see you later.

For the next hour our eyes would find each other. While I sang karaoke I saw his face brighten. I sang to him. His gaze didn't leave mine. I went out back to try to relieve the heat inside of my body, partly from being in a small bar with lots of people but mostly because he was stirring something inside of me. Was I doing it again? Making small moments bigger? Savoring any morsel and assigning meaning?

I heard the door open. I knew what would happen next. Hadn't I thought about this every time I saw him? Wasn't this moment what I played over and over in my mind?

I turned around. He wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. I was incandescent. I was electric. I was waves in the ocean. I was dough plunged into oil. Laughter and music from the bar hung lightly in the air. The summer heat made our clothes feel oppressive and heavy.

He pressed me against the wall. He kissed my neck while slowly unbuttoning the top two buttons of my blouse. I ran my fingers inside the waist of his jeans. My chest was rising and falling, heavy with his touch. I felt his heart beat as my hands slid under his shirt. He looked at me through those long eyelashes and bit his bottom lip. I pulled his waist to mine. He lifted my skirt and I felt his fingers gently circle the top of my underwear. Back and forth. As I started to unbutton his jeans we hear someone crash through the back door. My friend was searching for me. We composed ourselves. I head back to the bar while looking over my shoulders at him and smiling. He smiled with his bright eyes. Back and forth. Always back and forth.