People call me BC. Big Cat. A nickname I've had since I was a boy. However, during my years at art college I was known as 'Fluffer'. These are the stories of that time. Fluffer's tales.
#
I lived in a house by the sea, almost on the beach, with this other guy called Richard from my course. He was, in fact, an actual dick, and I looked forward to him moving back to his parents in the holidays so I could have the house to myself.
I returned from Fleur's expecting four blissful weeks of the summer holidays without Dick. (So not unlike Fleur in that respect...) Then, annoyingly, Dick's sister, Orla, needed somewhere to study during the break and he offered her his room.
But I couldn't believe my luck when this pre-Raphaelite, red-haired elfin girl turned up with a big blue rucksack brim-full of books, and even bigger blue eyes brim-full of humour. And not so much a resting bitch face as a resting cheeky smirk. One of those people that lit up a room, not like her black hole of a brother. And since Fleur wanted to be alone, Sara with her annoying man Alan, and Mme Jolie with her lucky husband, I was single.
Unfortunately, Orla wasn't. Dick trumpeted this fact on his way out. He jabbed a sausage digit at his sister's arm, blaring, "This one might be on the pill, mate, but that's not an invitation. She's TAKEN." And went on to underline what this meant with his characteristic subtlety and charm: "So you do NOT FUCK my sister!" Like she wasn't even in the room. Like it wasn't up to her who she fucked.
Anyway, it turned out her boyfriend was one of Dick's golf mates.
Initially, it was kind of a relief that Orla had a partner already. We studied together in the lounge with these big doors open and a cool breeze rolling in from the sea. I worked at my drawing board (angled up between us so I could concentrate) and she worked on the sofa with her books and papers spread around the floor. Orla was doing a psychology degree and her project was on the male view of female sexuality.
In the evenings, we took beers down to the beach where we chatted. By which I mean Orla lectured me on the failings of the patriarchy, as constantly represented by her lazy and entitled boyfriend, and which included the patriarch's reticence to 'go down'. Or watched movies. By which I mean Orla rented films that she'd decided I had to watch: 'Unbearable Lightness of Being', 'Betty Blue', 'Sex, lies and video tape.', 'Nine and a half weeks.'
I hope you can see the same pattern that I could there. Was Orla trying to tell me something?
I was in a pretty tender frame of mind and worried I only saw what I wanted to see. So, as much as I found her delicious company, and extremely pleasing to look at, I tried to cool my jets. This didn't go down so well. After Monday's evening at the beach, I thanked her, yawned, and said I was off to bed and she complained that men got tired too easily. By Saturday, after whatever arty porn it was that she'd stuffed in my eyeholes, Orla crossed her legs, crossed her arms, and flattened her lips white when I left her. I think I even caught a tut and exasperated sigh behind me.
But then, one morning, she brought me a cup of tea to my desk. Now this was loaded because she did literally nothing to help around the house. Except eat the food I cooked her off the plates that I'd wash up, and shift her feet so I could hoover under her.
She left the tea by my drawing board and hovered, clearing her throat. "I need a favour," she said eventually to her bare toes, which never kept still by the way, and then immediately went purple. I shrugged but reckoned if she asked me to wash her knickers for her too, I'd have to put my foot down.
"You know I'm studying the male view of female..." She flip-flapped her hand. "Well I need some... reference material." Her eyes widened like I was supposed to know what she meant, or maybe it was an attempt to hypnotise me with their enormous spooky paleness. Then she took a deep breath and launched at the next bit.
"Have you got any porn? Um that I could use? For reference? Only?"
She must have hypnotised me, after all, and plunged me into an altered state of reality. I shook my head as if I had a wasp in it. "Did you just say you want porn?"
Remember these were the days before the internet made it all ubiquitous. If you wanted to see people having sex you had to do the top-shelf-reach-of-shame at the newsagents, or head to a seedy backstreet shop. Even then, in the UK, there were rules like no erections and no penetration, so it was pretty surreal fare: Women getting ecstatic over bushy limp dicks dangled in their general vicinity.
"I don't want porn." She shook her fingers as if trying to flick something yukky off them. "I need itβ No! I mean. Fuck it. Forget I asked. Sorry."
"No don't worry, it's fine. Whatever. I don't have any though."
"Really?"
"Your surprised?"
When Orla laughed - which was a lot - she went floppy, like a puppet with its strings cut. She reigned herself in. "I thought all blokes had a stash. I chucked my boyfriend's out, and my brother's got loads. That's why I came here, to be honest. But"βgrimaceβ"he's taken it with him to Mum and Dad's. Damn it. I need it to illustrate objectification."
Then she peered at me, and fluttered her hands at my face, giggling. "You want to buy porn for Orla... you want to buy porn forβ"
Next thing I knew I was leaving the petrol station shop with a plain paper bag wedged under my arm. Orla had come with me at least, even if she'd waited outside.
The bloke in the shop, after insisting I buy his 'special import' from under the counter, had nodded at her as he slipped the thick glossies into the bag. "Why do you need these, when you have a girl like that?"
"She's not my girlfriend. And the mags are for her."
"Man..." His eyebrows raised half off his head. "Does that make you the luckiest, or the unluckiest man in the world?"
His words rang round my mind as Orla danced and cheered me all the way to where she sat on the forecourt. She really was a very beautiful woman. But it was her demeanour that made her. It shone through her perky posture. Her enthusiasm reflected in every quick flip of her sylph-like, pointy curves. Like a grownup fucking Tinkerbelle.
Why did all the best women want someone else? Or no-one else? I was still heart-stung by Fleur, in case you couldn't tell. It had only been a couple of weeks since I left France. And though Mme Jolie had power-flushed me so thoroughly I still, over a week later, hadn't woken with a hard on, that was hardly a relationship.
"My hero!" Orla slung the paper bag package into her big blue rucksack. "It's too sunny to go home, wanna work on the beach?"
"I don't have my sketchbook."
"Yes you do!" She patted her bag.
Call me an approval junkie, accuse me of trying to woo her if you like, but I decided to show off. Instead of visiting our local beach, I borrowed a mate's rowboat and took her to a private bay that wasn't accessible by land. It was a beautiful spot and if it happened to turn her head/force her hand/open her legs, then... cool.
I think I made some kind of impression because Orla, sunbathing at the back of the boat, flicked sneaky, flutter-blink gazes over my arms as I rowed. Then, when she looped a leg over the side of the boat to dangle her foot in the water, and the wind blew the skirt of her floaty dress up over knees, she tucked it down between her legs but otherwise let it be. I let her catch me ogling her bare thighs. She rolled her eyes. "I'm feeling a little... objectified," she said to the sea.
I shrugged. "It's nice to be objectified sometimes."
"Maybe." Still not looking at me. "From the right person."
She didn't cover her legs. In fact she waved a knee.
I aimed the boat toward a sandy inlet bounded by sheer cliffs the size of tower blocks. I wondered what would happen if I mentioned her boyfriend. Right now. "Can I ask why you chucked out your boyfriend's porn stash?"
Orla pulled her foot back into the boat, tugged her skirt back down, and wedged her hands between her knees. She frowned. Not an expression I'd seen on her so far. "Why do you think? He didn't need it anymore. He's got me for all that."
"Damn," I growled. "Lucky fucker."