I grew up in a middle class neighborhood more years ago than I care to remember. It was the type of neighborhood where families put down roots and stayed until the kids were grown. There were several families with children around the same age. My sisters and I were sort of the glue holding everyone together. We are very close in age with my older sister, Sandra, a year older than me and my younger sister, Sarah, a year younger than me. The play almost always revolved around us 3 girls. We quite often got the boys to play Barbie's with us and everything. During the summer, the parents kicked the kids out of the house to play. None of us were allowed inside except to eat lunch; then back out again until dinner. This meant a lot of hanging out doing nothing or getting into trouble. Our front yard was home to many, many games of all kinds; kickball, baseball, soccer, dodge ball, china berry fights, wild potato fights and any other kinds of objects we could find to throw at each other.
Our parents were friends with each other as well. There was usually a party every weekend at the Freemason's house. They had 4 children with the oldest being Jack who was the same age as me. There was also Jasmine, Jason and Jill, 2 and 3 years apart and alternating boy, girl, boy girl. All the neighbors would hang out at their pool during the day. At night, their father would play the guitar and we'd sit around their living room and listen to him sing Kenny Rogers songs for us.
We spent long 3 day weekends together, too. Twice a year on Memorial Day weekend and Labor Day weekend, we would all go camping. There would be at least 5 campsites reserved. My family would have one of the sites and my sisters and I would usually bring 2 or 3 friends along. The Freemasons had a site and would sometimes bring Hank with them. Hank is the same age as my sister Sarah and lived across the street from the Freemasons. The other sites would be their relatives. Once or twice, the Dukes from across the street joined us. The Dukes had 2 sons; Joe was the same age as my older sister Sandra and his brother Jake was 2 years older than him. On Memorial Day weekend we would always go to Jetty Park at Cocoa Beach and on Labor Day weekend we would go to a campground in Leesburg. We always had a good time together at both places. At Jetty Park, the kids would hang out on the beach most of the night, while our parents sat around the campfire, talking, singing and laughing.
We all got along really well. We kids spent our entire youth together. We learned how to ride bikes, went to school for the first time, and also went through puberty together. Speaking of puberty, my sister Sarah, Hank, Jack and I used to play truth or dare together. Once, while in Hank's shed, we were playing and it was Hanks turn to show us. He didn't want to at first and kept saying he wanted to get a boner first. I don't think Sarah or I even knew what a boner was since we'd never seen a penis before. But we wouldn't let him wait. We thought he was trying to chicken out and we'd already had our turn. When he pulled down his pants, he didn't have a boner and was pretty small. We laughed at him. We didn't know any better and were just kids, but still to this day, I feel badly about that. Hank says he doesn't remember so I guess I didn't make an impression.
We all grew up, moved away, had families, got married, got divorced or in my case, separated from my husband. Through it all we mostly lost touch. Some of us stayed together, but for the most part, we rarely saw our old friends or talked anymore. Recently, we've been finding each other on Facebook. It's been great. We catch up on old times and post pictures of our families. We send messages and write on one another's walls. It's nice reading the posts and commenting on everything.
Hank and I have been talking a lot about my separation. He was divorced 3 years ago and has been very helpful and provided a sympathetic ear for me to talk to. He knows how hard it is to be away from your kids. He understands the anguish, confusion, guilt, sorrow. He's also helping me figure out about still having sex with my husband.
My husband, Doug and I have been married for 20 years. I'm not in love with him and don't think I ever was. I was very young when we got married. Doug was 4 years older than me and ready to start a family. I guess I got swept up in it. I don't know how else to explain how I ended up marrying and staying with someone for so long without being in love. I finally left him 3 months ago. Doug said he understood, even though he was heartbroken over it. Before the separation, we always had a good sex life. Even though we had been together for over 20 years, we still had sex 2 or 3 times a week. So the sudden drop to nothing was more difficult than I could have imagined. It seemed like all I thought about was sex. All the time. About 6 weeks after we separated, Doug told me he had been having sexual dreams about me. He must have been really horny, considering I'm not exactly the type anyone has sexual dreams about. I'm 41 years old and a little larger than the typical BBW.
So he asked about us having sex again. He wanted to do the friends with benefits thing. Now I was pretty horny myself, but I knew that it was probably a bad idea. I told him so but he persisted. He said he could separate the emotion from it and just have sex. I told him we should think about it some more and I would be in touch. I don't remember how it started, but I talked with my friend Hank about it. I knew he was the one "wronged" in his relationship and I asked if he kept having sex. He said not at first because he was too hurt, but that they did end up getting together a bunch of times later. He also said he was sorry that he did it and would not do it again. I gave all of this information to my husband. But I was still horny as hell, so I told him if he still wanted to, then I was in.
We only did it a few times before I started feeling guilty about it. I really struggled with this, too. I talked with my mother and sister and Hank about it. My mother said I have nothing to feel guilty about since we were still married. My sister said I was wrong to still be having sex with him since he's still in love with me. I knew deep down inside that it was wrong. But not because she said so. I don't really value the opinion of someone who has sex with every guy she goes out with. I finally realized that I just needed to stop. I knew that he still loved me and it was wrong to lead Doug on like that; no matter what he said. So I put a stop to it. It's hard to go without sex, but I don't have a lot of options so I've been giving my vibrator a pretty good workout.
Around this same time a friend of mine emailed me a questionnaire. It had the usual questions like favorite color, song, etc. It also had deeper stuff like are you happy in your life? What would you change if you could go back? And it had a lot of sexual questions. Very, very personal sexual questions like, bra size, penis size, how many partners you've had, how often you have sex, masturbate, etc. I had never seen anything like it and decided to fill it out and send it to my friends with a request to erase my answers and fill in your own and send back. I got back several completed responses. They were very interesting. Soon after sending out the questionnaire, I received a message from Hank. He asked me if I really wanted to know this stuff about him. I said of course I want to know, that's why I sent it. I told him if there's anything he didn't want to answer just leave it blank. I also told him I don't need to know how big his penis is now, as long as it's grown since he was 12. I was joking around with him, of course I did want to know how big his penis is, but I also wanted him to feel comfortable.
A couple of days later, I got back his response. It started out normal with all the questions filled in. Then he inserted a story. A sex story. About a rape fantasy he and his ex-girlfriend had acted out while they were still together. I couldn't believe it! I loved it! I wish he had finished it. He only got halfway through before he said you probably don't want to know anymore or something like that. Totally wrong, but he didn't know I love reading that stuff. I don't get into the rape fantasy or pain, but I found the bondage and domination very exciting. I started fantasizing about being tied up and submitting. Then I started fantasizing about HIM tying me up and making me submit. I had never thought about submission or bondage before. I was very curious and thinking about it really turned me on. I never would have thought that kind of thing would turn me on, but it did. I also had never thought about Hank in a sexual way before the story. But suddenly, I saw him in a new light and could think about almost nothing but sex with him after. I started fantasizing about him and making up different scenarios in my head about possible ways we could get together. It's a good thing he lives 6 hours away or I probably would have forced myself on him.
I decided I should send him a message telling him that I was fantasizing about him. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head and figured telling him was best. I thought it could only go a few ways. He could be disgusted and completely break off all contact with me—I thought this possibility was very small. He could laugh about it, think I'm crazy and continue on like nothing ever happened. He could be having the same feelings and we would start this torrid long distance love affair—yeah right. He could be flattered that I was thinking of him like that and have fun with it by sharing fantasies of his own—that's the one I thought would happen and hoped would happen. And boy was I right! I sent him a message saying that I was masturbating and thinking of him. Yep, pretty much worded it just like that. Needless to say, he was surprised. When he messaged me back, he was very supportive, but admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I'm not a small girl; I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes and huge tits, so I never even considered that he would be attracted to me. It really didn't bother me a bit. All I wanted to do was share fantasies with him. I wasn't actually seeking sex.
