He told me not to touch it. He told me that he was the only one who was allowed to touch the green elastic he'd put on my wrist. I could have taken it off, more than once I'd wanted to snap it, to feel the sharp sting that lit my body on fire. I could have ignored his rule, but for whatever the reason. I listened.
On a particularly bad day, when my anxiety had skyrocketed and everyday life had my hands shaking and my breath short and uneven I felt like I had no other choice. I called Raye and asked an uncomfortable question.
"Hey lady," she said in her perpetual chipper voice. "How did you know I was thinking about you?" In the background I could hear Derek watching the game on and really hoped I could pull this off.
"I'm psychic." She laughed and I hoped my own laugh didn't sound forced. "Hey, I have a favour to ask. I think I left something in Eli's car the night he drove me home from your engagement party. Do you have his number? I want to call and ask him to check."
"Oh, he's here, let me get him."
Oh god, I wasn't prepared for that. While I waited, I tried to figure out what to say. I thought I'd have more time to plan it out. The phone shook in my hand and I listened to Raye say, "Hey Eli, Maya's asking for your number, says she left something in your car."
"Hey," he said. "Give me a second to go in the other room, it's too loud in here." I took the time to find some awkward words and practiced them in my head a few times. "What's up Maya?"
"Today is a bad day, a really bad day." The words tumbled out in a long run on sentence, I'm not sure if I even breathed. "My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, I feel like the world is spinning out of control. You said I can't touch it, you said you were the only one who can touch it. I haven't taken it off, I haven't touched it but I need to feel it. I need to feel like that. Please let me touch it."
"Mariah," his voice was firm and deep, just like at the club. It had a soothing effect and I focused in on him. "Breathe. Take a deep breath and hold it to the count of three." I did as I was told and when I inhaled, he counted it out for me. "One...Two...Three. Breathe." We did that three times and my heart slowed down a fraction, but it was enough to calm the waters.
"Please let me touch it."
"Come see me," he said. "It's mine, only I can touch it, so come see me." I heard the game get louder and he called out, "It's ok if Maya comes over, right?" Raye said something along the lines of yes, and Eli moved away from the game. "Grab your things right now, I'm serious Mariah, while I'm on the phone."
I listened, I felt like I would do anything he asked in moments like this. Anything he wanted I'd do if it meant I would feel the pain my body needed. I grabbed my jacket, slipped on my shoes and locked the door behind me.
"Good girl," he said softly. "Come see me and I'll make it better."
I hung up, already feeling a little better. Having him tell me what to do, showing me that relief was just around the corner calmed my storm a little. It scared me to admit, it hadn't been that long, but I already felt like I couldn't do life without him. Whatever you do, I told myself, don't tell him that. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was some crazy psycho....I mean I was, but he didn't need to know that.
Eli was waiting for me outside and met me halfway up the walk. "Show me," he said. Obediently I held up my hand and pulled back my sleeve. Immediately he snapped it one then two times. My head fell back and I took a deep breath, then suddenly I was fighting tears. "Look at me."
I opened my eyes and found him searching my face. He snapped it one more time and I groaned. "I need this so much." It wasn't lost on me that I said need versus needed. The latter implied this was all I needed, but in truth I needed this and a whole hell of a lot more.
"What happened?" I didn't want to answer his question, it was stupid really. I shook my head but he pushed, "What happened, Mariah?"
"I made a mistake at work, one I've made before, a few times. I was so out of it, so in my head and rushing I did it again and my boss got mad."
"What did he say?"
"She, ugh, it doesn't matter what she said. I'm no good at this, I just want to quit my job and become a bum."
He laughed at that, not a deep belly laugh but a light hearted laugh that diffused the situation again. "That doesn't sound as bad as all that." He must have seen the tears again because he snapped the elastic and I instinctively reached out for him, and found myself clinging to his belt. "You'll get better at slowing down and taking your time even if you miss deadlines, right?"
I nodded and he rewarded me with a snap that had me tugging him a little closer. It was crazy how much I needed this man. One more snap had me stepping closer to drop my head onto his chest.
"Put your arms around me." I did as I was told and Eli wrapped me tightly in his arms. "We'll get through this," he whispered the words. "You did the right thing. Always call me, I don't care when."
A part of me loved him for that, but I'd be damned if I ever admitted it.
"Come on," he said, taking my hand. "They're waiting. Just so we have our stories straight, what did you lose?"
"The bracelet she gave me for my birthday."
