It was dangerous. She wasn't sure how she'd ended up here. Not here in this room, but here, drawn to him. She'd known him from a distance forever, frequently running into each other over the years in the grocery store or post office of this too small town, at Ryan's birthday party every July, and in the last year they'd even crossed paths through her work as a guidance counselor in the same school he taught in. She glanced at him across the room again and this time he caught her eye and wouldn't let go. All the late night messages from the past few weeks came flooding back...
............
That first voice note when she'd been spinning out in a panic, was the first time he'd said her name. She was certain he had no idea what it did to her. His tone serious and intense, he'd corrected her, "You're not dangerous Kas. You're passionate and that intimidates people who want to avoid making waves."
"It's wild to me how invisible you try to make yourself. Because you definitely stand out, and there's nothing wrong with that. Trust me, you're magnetic and still very attractive." He had laughed sheepishly.
The way his voice, his laugh, echoed in every cell of her body had terrified her.
Weeks later, when they'd both realized the trouble her marriage was in, and had been in for awhile, he'd backpedaled.
"Whatever kind of space you need to take to feel safe & be smart. Take it." They hadn't talked for a couple of days afterward, and she had missed it. She knew he watched her stories, even though he'd stopped following her, and when the notification popped up she couldn't help but respond to his innocent hand clap emoji.
"Jack, I really just need you to tell me all the ways you're a piece of shit & that you don't like me at all & don't miss talking to me so I can get you out of my brain."
Typing bubbles popped up and went away and popped up again...
"I'm a piece of shit because I'm not in control of my emotions. Because I want what I want, and I'm driven to have it. Because I can't keep myself from putting my hand on a hot stove, even when I know better. And because I'm enjoying the burn in my chest from the whiskey I probably don't need tonight."
"You're gonna have to do better than that," she'd shot back, "You can't make it sound so romanticized."
"Ok fine. I'm a piece of shit because I want to fuck you, badly, Kas. Ok? And I know I shouldn't. And I don't want to add to your already complicated feelings, but I do."
She'd sucked air into her lungs at his straight admission. This is what they'd been dancing around for weeks. He'd finally cut through the tension that had hung thick in the air.
"And you don't like me at all and don't miss talking to me... you forgot that part..." She had barely breathed the words out.
"No. I didn't."
She read the quiet defiance in between the lines.
...........
Earth to Kas. She gasped a little, realizing she'd been holding her breath, and broke his gaze as her eyes closed and she attempted to center herself.
.........
But when she did he was there again, this time sitting on the back steps, whiskey in hand. She'd walked out the back door to escape the crowd last week at the birthday bash, she just needed some fresh air & a little quiet. Why was he always finding the same spaces she was? Like they needed to breathe the same oxygen, like it kept calling them back. They were too much alike. Fire with fire. And she hadn't known till now how much she'd craved that. To be with someone who would whisper in her ear all the ways he'd let her burn him up. Who would tell her... no... show her, that he could stand in her flames & not lose himself.
He'd given her a nod and a smile that night, but she could tell it was forced. She hesitated before sitting on the stoop next to him, "Did you want to talk?"
He was quiet for a moment.
"Do you ever get tired of feeling like you're begging to be noticed?" He'd blurted it out so forcefully that she blinked.
She took a deep breath, "More than you know."
