Chapter 3: Guilt Sex
The morning after my debauched, but undeniably fun evening of group sex with Felix and his mates I was a mess, both physically and emotionally. My body was suffering the most, although my mind wasn't far behind. My tits were showing the signs of the attention they had received; they were bruised and bitten and had other marks from where they had been sucked on. My cunt looked red, swollen and tender. My arse hurt. My jaw ached, and my throat was raw.
I was stiff and found it hard to walk. All this and I had a morning's work to get through, then a long train journey home. At least Simon would still be away, so hopefully, the telltale signs on my body would have faded by the time he got to see me again.
My mind was still trying to process what I had done but more importantly why? How I'd willingly given myself to a group of men I'd never met before, not just given, but at times instigated things. I mean, for fucks sake, I'd put on a bloody strip show for them at the start. What else could I expect than to be fucked long and hard, and that's what had happened. The one thing I knew for certain, and that worried me the most, was that I had enjoyed every second of the experience. The power I held over the men as I stripped for them. The lust and longing that showed on their faces as I teased them. The helplessness as I became their fuck toy and cum dump as they took me time and time again over the course of a couple of hours.
The only thing I had any disquiet about was the immediate aftermath, when I had showered off. The way Felix so casually stayed in the bathroom and watched me wash the cum off my body. Okay, he'd seen and photographed me nude and had fucked me, but being alone like that was so much more intimate than anything else that had happened. It was as if he felt he owned me, or at the very least, a part of me. Then there was his outrageous suggestion of making a porn film. Despite feeling tender, my cunt tingled with the idea of that, but even I'd not lost control so much, had I?
The final morning's session of the seminar was a sum up of all we had covered in the preceding days and passed me by, as did the interminable train journey back to Preston. My mind was lost in something else entirely, what I had done and what I had become. I relived every moment time and time again in intense clarity.
Two words kept echoing in my brain: Guilt and Guilty. Well, there was a third: slut, but I dismissed that one entirely. Two words similar and sharing the same root but, in my case, differing meanings.
'Guilty:- having done something illegal; being responsible for something bad that has happened,' as defined by the OED.*
'Guilt:- the unhappy feelings knowing or thinking that you have done something wrong,' again the OED definition.
Only one applied to me, and that is what was causing me a problem. Yes, I was guilty of doing something bad; gang-banging a group of strangers. But I felt no guilt about it. That realisation made for an uncomfortable train journey home, especially as the evidence of my transgressions was on my phone.
When I was in the privacy and safety of my home, I linked my phone to my computer and viewed all the images and video clips Felix had created, once again reliving the events of the evening. Despite still feeling tender, I brought myself off with my fingers more than once as I scanned through the images.
Fortunately, Simon noticed no difference in me, but, deep down, I was changed, and those two words kept intruding into my brain, sometimes at the most inconvenient times.
Guilty? Yes, I was guilty of committing adultery and of cheating on my husband. Did I feel guilt? No, I didn't, not totally, but somewhat.
The first time, with Felix, I hadn't felt one iota of guilt. I'd had a long-held fantasy that my husband knew about, and I'd had the unexpected chance to fulfil it and had taken that chance. The second, the gang-bang, I was unsure of. Surely, every woman, deep down, has a secret desire to experience a thing like that. To discover how she would react. To test themselves, could they satisfy a group of men in one go? Was she desirable enough that a group of men would want her? Even if they wouldn't admit it to themselves. Or was I just the slut I suspected I was on the way to becoming, or maybe had even become.
What worried me more was how I was acting towards Simon and, in some ways, how he was reacting to me. There was something different between us, and I think I knew what it was. I'd lived out my sexual fantasy. He hadn't his. Well, not the one he had told me of the night when we had shared those thoughts. A night which had led to some mind-blowing sex between us. There's a saying that the biggest, and most important, sexual stimulus is the imagination. Looking back on that night, I wondered what was going on in Simons's mind.
I was determined to give him what he longed for, even if it was a form of guilt sex. Could that be another stimulus, and was something I had never contemplated doing in the past. What added to my confusion was the feedback I was receiving from my online role-playing friends. All of whom said they were so proud of my adventurous streak. And a very naughty amateur writer who'd said she'd love to use my experiences in a story.
As Simon is away a lot, I've found that I spend some of my time on a couple of sexual role-play websites, and I've become friendly with a couple of people there. One, was quite shocked at first, but then wanted to know all the details of what I'd done, so I'd told her. I think it's a her, although you can never be sure of the real person behind the avatar and username. She was the one who was most supportive of what I had done, and what I planned to do next. Of course, she wanted to know all the details of that as well.
Not sure I was doing the right thing, I summoned up all my courage, made a phone call and arranged to meet the person I would need to help me fulfil Simons's dream.
Our friend Cheryl, who is openly Bi and whom Simon fancies more than a little, was intrigued by what I was suggesting.
She's not in a relationship at the moment, and in the past had made no secret that she'd like to get me into bed. At one time blatantly propositioning me in front of Simon. As there was no way I was into girls, I had politely refused every advance she had made to me.
"So, why have you changed your mind, and why a three-way?"
"Simon has a fantasy of watching me with another girl."
"Most men do, but that's not just it, is it?"
"Well, I thought I'd try and let him have his dream, and the only person I knew I could feel confident enough to do it with is you. Cheryl, I'm fucking scared about suggesting this, but it's our tenth anniversary soon, so I thought I'd make it special for us."
