When I turned 18 the dreams started. I would wake up slick with sweat, panting, exhausted. He was in everyone, haunting me from my pillow. I stopped going to high school, I saw my friends post pictures in cap and gown, and truly I was happy for them. I couldn't tell my dad, I just faked sick, until finally, as classes resumed after a long summer in a house all by myself, I forced myself to go.
I went straight to Mr. L's classroom, and he looked up at me with the same smile he always had. Nothing had changed, he was still here, at his desk, and I was still here, his pupil. I had done the paperwork to drop out over summer though, I was not his student anymore. I'd pulled on the old uniform to get in without question or issue, a familiar face in a crowd.
"Good to see you Kimmy." He said. Kimmy. I hadn't heard anyone call me Kimmy since...well since I dropped off with everyone. My dad called me Kim or Kimberly, it felt so comfortable, like slipping into your favorite sweater.
"I kept dreaming about you." I say, tone light, I strolled into his empty classroom, tracing a finger along one of the desks, eyes anywhere but his face. "You know what they say. If someone's in your dreams it means they're thinking about you."
"I heard you were sick; your classmates and I were all worried about you." He said. "I'm glad to see you're feeling better-"
"But they weren't in my dreams, only you were." I turned to him, moving to sit on the desk just in front of his. I studied him, his flop of honey hair, his stubble speckled chin, his gleaming wedding band. Forbidden. He had a wife, two kids, a life. Why was I here? What did I want from him?
The bell would ring soon, I should just go, how did I expect this to go? Hey, you're my old history teacher, I had sex dreams about you, please make them come true? I looked away from him, unable to bear his expression. No longer a smile, he looked at me like I was endearing, concerned, and comforting and painfully paternal. He stood, and I watched as he moved to the window and pushed it open. He produced a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and tapped one free of its case.
"Don't tell." He smirked as he flicked a little blue lighter into action. He took a long slow breath, closing his eyes and blowing the smoke out the open window. "I know you're not enrolled anymore, did you just come for a visit?" He asked, watching me with a curious smile. I winced when the clanging bell rang, but he didn't move an inch. Students moved through the halls, but none came into his classroom. I waited, nearly forgetting to breathe as all the feet and books and learning settled.
"A visit." I replied weakly, allowing my eyes to slip down from his face once more. I felt like a child, like I'd done something and was afraid of being scolded for it.
"No." He ground out the cigarette half-finished on the windowsill and returned it to the box for future consumption. Slowly, he walked towards me, catching my chin between his index finger and thumb and forcing me to look up at him. To face him. To admit the truth. He would never put his hands on a student, but that shield no longer protected me. Or no longer stopped him.
I opened my mouth but closed it to swallow hard against the vice clenching my chest. His eyes bore into mine, waiting for an answer, demanding, forcing an answer to produce itself from my dumbstruck lips.
"To see you." I said in a weak voice. The right corner of his lips quirked up for half a second, but I saw it. Almost a smile, the beginnings of a smile, from me. He held me in place still, unfinished with me. His breath burned my nose, the smell of cigarettes and stale coffee. I wanted to live there in that moment, under his eyes. But he let go, closing the door before returning to his desk.
"Then your mission is complete." He opened a book, propping his feet up on his desk.
"No." I said, urgently, almost desperately. He smirked again, looking at me over his book. I bit my lip.
"No? Then what else did you hope to accomplish while here?" He closed his book, marking the page before depositing it on his desk. I stared at the book, unable or unwilling to answer him. "If you're not going to elaborate-" He picked up the book again.
"I can't." I murmured.