It was still very dark outside when the radio alarm went off in its usual noisy way. It need not have bothered, I was not asleep. In fact, I had not slept much that entire night, and it had been late when I turned in. Today was going to be an interesting day. That was an understatement. I was preparing to drive out to a small Western Kansas town to meet someone I had been corresponding with through email.
I was excited, no doubt about that. I raced through a shower, grabbed up a few things and headed out the door. I had fueled up the car the night before, but I still stopped by the Quick trip store for some coffee. Then I headed for the entrance ramp and headed north.
So down the road I went. So much to think about, and I was not totally sure how I felt about the whole thing. Writing to a person was one thing, meeting them was something else. I had been around the internet world long enough to know people can be just about anything they want to in chat rooms and through email. You really didn't know what was real and what was phony. I was taking a chance, but then so was she. I can't imagine how she must have felt. She had a stranger en-route to her house, coming from miles away, and what did she really know about him? I guess we were both in it pretty deep. I would not have blamed her one bit if I arrived and found her to be gone, or even hiding out, having changed her mind.
I am sure we were both asking ourselves the same questions. Why am I doing this, am I nuts? What if they don't like me or think I am ugly....what if I don't like them and think they are ugly? Will we find it as easy to talk in person? Will either of us be disappointed and if so, what is the graceful way out? I drove on through the rain, a mix of emotions. Think about it, we'd been writing love letters back and forth! We had not even been writing each other that long, had never met, spoken on the phone maybe twice, and we were writing love letters? We had gotten to know each other in a very different way. It was not based on physical attraction, because we had no idea what each other looked like. We had only spoken on the phone once or twice, and then very briefly. So what we felt towards each other was based on personalities, and the only clues we had towards that had been through email.
Thoughts rolled through my head. We had written and spoken of our love for each other, each saying they didn't care what the other looked like. Did we really feel that way or was it just a bunch of emotional talk? I wanted to think I was not such a shallow person that I would have gone back on my words if she turned out to be...shall we say....not very attractive. What would I do if I got there and she was some 300 lb nightmare? I had fallen in love with a person through email, basing that feeling on her personality and values. Would I be so shallow to back out on mere appearance?
What about her? She had said the same things about me. She didn't know what I looked like. Was she the sort of person who would back out on appearance? I can't imagine the pain of talking love with someone for weeks on end, and then have them turn you away because you didn't meet their "looks" requirements. It was a hard question and I didn't know if I could examine myself honestly enough to answer it. I am sure she was wrestling with some of the same questions. . I still had several hours before I would be at my destination. Plenty of time left for me to think, dream, anticipate, dread, worry....all of the above.
Had I been true to myself through those emails? Had I been totally honest and not mis-repesented myself? I could not think of any way that I had been less or more than who I really am, but what had she perceived me to be? Would she really be what I perceived her to be?
Now, it may sound like I over-analyze everything. But I had just been through a marriage that grew very painful towards the end. That was mostly behind me now, in fact, I was actually glad and relieved that it was over. I had given everything I had to turn things around, with no success. I didn't realize what a strain I had been under, till after it was over. It became a relief, and it felt like a huge weight had fallen off of me, and I was not going to get in a position to be tormented like that again.
One does walk away with scars though from any sort of painful, hurtful experience. I also knew she would have her scars as well. We both had baggage from our past experiences that did affect the way we felt and looked at things. We all have our own "filter" through which we pass and process everything through. Sometimes our "filter" which is set in place and controlled by our experiences in life, will change or modify those things we pass through it. We weigh everything against what we have "learned" through the things that hurt or helped us. Because of this, people misread each other's words, thoughts and intents. Both of us would have our own preconceived ideas, and we would not even know we had them and were measuring everything by them. Both of us coming from failed marriages, would have different things that we had and were dealing with, and would go into a new relationship with those things having an influence.
It was also true that this situation had gotten a bit out of control. It went very quickly from being "friends" to out and out love letters. It seemed a bit crazy, and yet...it seemed somehow......ok. It was confusing to me and it went against everything I thought I believed. It went against every barrier and protection system I had setup. I felt I was "jumping" into something, and it went against my natural senses of caution...and at the same time something was telling me that this was ok and was right. I struggled to remember just how it went from point a to point b, but it happened so fast.
In my mind I went over and over the conversations we had had by email. I had printed out all of our correspondence before going on my trip to Texas, and had put them in order and read and re-read them. I had speculated so many times on what she would look like, and the sort of person she would be. I am sure she had done the same, looking for clues about me, trying to read between the lines to find out who I really was.
Marriage.....was this really in my future with this person? How could I have already talked about marriage with her? My kids didn't know...they'd have thought me totally nuts if they had known I had already bought her a ring. Maybe I was nuts. I had asked myself hundreds of times...."Are you sure you aren't just doing this because you are lonely?" Well, maybe...but somehow there seemed to be much more to it than that. When I started writing to her, it was through a penpal website. I really was not looking for a girlfriend, but rather a girl friend. Just someone to write to, someone who had been through the same sort of junk and also needed a friend.
