If Great Authors Wrote Porn 07

IF GREAT AUTHORS WROTE PORN: #07 Mark Twain: Hoss Williams Talks

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author”

Now, they has been some books writ by a man named Mark Twain, bout a couple of no good boys in this town name of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. Them books was purty good, mostly true but with some stretchers. I don't know much bout that Tom Sawyer, he thinks he is too good for the likes of me. But Huck Finn and me done slept in the same old barr'ls down at the tannery before he got all uppity and went to live with the Widder Douglas. He uset to say, "Hoss Williams, I reckon when I grow up I will be just like you, free and easy and not beholdin' to anybody." He allus was a good boy like that.

Well, there was a printer in this town by the name of Orion Clemens. Somehow he took to me, and din't look down on me like the other folks in town did. "Hoss," he would say, "deep down under that dirt there is a man someplace, I reckon." Sometimes to make him happy I would go jump in the ol' river and try to get some of the smell offen me, and try to stand up straight and behave myself for a while, till I got hold of some likker. That alluz did me in.

Huck Finn done innerduced me to a free nigger name of Jim, and I kinder took to him too. Those boys had some money somehow and now and then they give some of it to Jim. He was a right good headed nigger. Sometimes, when I was hungry, he would feed me. I don't like to talk about it, but sometimes I would sit right down and eat with him. A man will do a lot when he is hungry. But Jim never throwed it up to me. He used to work around the print shop for Orion sometimes, too.

Well, we sometimes set around that print shop and talked, and of course sometimes we talked about wimmen. Jim had been married, but Orion never had, and wasn't no gal wanted anything to do with the likes of me, I guess. Wasn't nothing any of us could do now but lie in bed and put a hand around our cock, and start stroking. That sure felt good, but I was all in a sweat to stick my dick in a real woman's cunt fer a change. Orion said he felt the same way.

"Now what we have to do, Hoss, is get ourselves to St. Louis. That is a real big town, and I know they surely have some courtesans there waiting for lonely men." Orion always was one to use big fancy words. He must have read about courtesans in one of those books by Sir Walter Scott he were alluz readin. I figured it was the same gals that, 'fore he died, my old Pap used to call "soiled doves" when he was sober and "fuckin' ho's" when he was likkered up. The way I heared it was that iffen you gaved them enough money they would do any dirty thing you wanted. Sometimes I heard some of the drunks at the saloon talking about getting some poon tang, and that sounded good to me, and they talked about gettin their cocks sucked by some saloon gals, and I figured that sounded pretty good to me too. So I agreed with Orion that St. Louis was the place we ought to go.

So we tole Jim that was what we was athinking on and said we aimed to take him with us. But he didn't want to go. "Nassuh, Mars Hoss, nassuh. They ain't anything for a free nigger to do in Sant Luse 'cept get his black ass in a whole heap a trubble. I couldn't go inter no sportin' house with you and Mars Orion nohow, they wouldn't let a nigger in."

But Orion could always talk Jim into anything. He promised to carry Jim's emancipation papers and read them to anybody who wanted to cause Jim any trouble. He promised that Jim could wait comfortable for us on the stoop if we went in a high class house. He promised to find some nigger wenches for Jim, too. He tole Jim that he heard those St. Louis nigger wenches could give a better blow job nor anybody. Now Jim's wife had died afore this, and Jim he said he hain't been getting' none for some time, and he was one purty horny buck, so maybe he would come after all. Well Orion went on promising, and 'fore long he agreed he would come.

I asked Orion why he wanted Jim to come along so much. "My Goodness, Hoss Williams, what questions you asks. Don't you know that the Negro stud is reputed by science to have the largest male member of anybody in the human race? And don't you figure if he was using that on some high yaller wench's female flowers and making her scream it would be a pretty show for us to watch? I'm thinking Jim will probably do better than any of us in St. Louis parlors." That was the way Orion Clemens talked all the time. He got it out of them books. Mostly I could figure it out, and this time I followed what he was saying well enough. So I 'lowed that I would like to watch that too, and Jim should come along sure enough.

So Orion he says, "Hoss, if you plan to visit a house of pleasure in St. Louis, you have to clean up and look decent. You think you can do that for one day?"

I sure enuf wanted to dip my wick in the city, so I promised Orion I could do it. Dern him, I didn't know he would make me take a bath! I thought the ol' Mississippi River was good enuf for that, but no, he wanted hot water and soap and all. Then he give me one of his own white shirts, and some black trousers, and some shoes that warn't all busted out at the toes, and even a hat with a brim on it. I looked in the mirror and damn if I didn't look like a man that could stand up and be proud of hisself. I figgered it would stay that way if I stood away from likker til we come back.

Well, we could have tooken a horse and buggy and got to St. Louis easy. But nothing would do for Orion Clemens but to take a steamboat. We had two little packets call at the town every day, one upstream and one downstream, so Orion figgered to take the downstream one the next day.

So there we was, standing on the wharf, with Jim carrying a traveling bag for each of us, and a tow sack full of his clo'se too. When the boat came in, Orion marched aboard and right up to the Captain. "How much, Sir, to transport myself and my companion and our man to St. Louis."

The Captain scratched his head and spit terbacker on the deck and looked at Orion like a bug he might squash. "Well, if that ain't the dod-derndest thing I ever hearn!" he said. "You two fine gennelmen and your nigger wants to ride my boat a lil bitty trip down the river? Ain't you strong enuf to walk it? Why you wanna waste my boat's time like that? I ought to throw the both of you over the labbord side, and the nigger too."

But Orion didn't let anything bother him. "If we can afford to pay three dollars apiece for passage to St. Louis, and another dollar for the nigger, can't you afford to take us? Or are you making so much money on this boat that you just sit in your cabin sipping fine brandy and eatin' macaroni?"

Well, the Captain sorta turned pale at that. I reckon that he warn't really makin that much money on his boat and Orion had hit home with him. He stuttered a bit and said, "Well, if you gol-blamed fools want to throw your money in the river, I don't see why it shouldn't land in my hands as good as anybody's. I'll take you to St. Louis. What business have you there, anyhow?"

At that, Orion moved close to the officer and spoke very softly to him. But the Captain was not a man to care why Orion was talkin so soft.. He gave a huge horselaugh, and I thunk everybody on that boat heared him! "Har, har! I shoulda knowed it! Yer thinking of getting down to the big city so you can dip yer wicks! Why, I bet you both got hard ons now, jest thinking about what you lookin for there!" Orion reddend at that remark, but paid close attention to the Captain anyhow. "Sure, the river men knows where to find what you wants. Purty gals, big boobs, soft white asses, ruby lips, and a nice hole for a man's pole to fill in! Come with me, you polliwog, and I will give you d'rections and my pers'nal note of innerduckshun too!" He pulled Orion into the pilot house. Jim and I just looked at each other and knowed Orion Clemens had done it again.

Well, the boat went on downriver toward St. Louis, and I set on the deck watching the bluffs on the Missouri side, and the piney woods on the Illinois side. They ain't nothing as peaceful and relaxing as watching the big ol muddy river just rollin by, and I should have been calm and sleepy. But I kept thinking about those Saint Louis gals, and my dick just stayed so stiff that I couldn't never think of being calm. I was hopin that we could see that French dance they calls the can can, and maybe even some of those gals I heered about that sings songs with no top on their dresses at all. And then I was thinking about those sportin' house gals and wondering just how you go about it and all, and figgering out how to grab their teats and what I could do if I got my hand in their bloomers and all that. So I can't say that the trip downriver was nohow restful or calm for me.

Well, soon enough we landed at the quay in St. Louis. My, there was a powerful sight of steamboats there, putting stuff off and getting stuff on, and passengers hurrying this way and that, and niggers totin stuff around. But Orion leads us off the boat jus like he knows exactly what he is doin, looking smart and proud. In all that hustle, he finds a drayman with a beat up ol buggy, and we hops aboard and Jim puts the bags in and climbs up in back. Orion hands the driver a piece of paper and says, "Take us to the first place on that list, my good man."

The driver looks at the list, and his eyes widened a little bit, and he said, "You sure you wants to go there, boss? That place is 'spensive, sure 'nuff."

But Orion just looks smart and says, "We are world travelers, my man, and are accustomed to enjoying expensive entertainment. Here, take this and drive on." Well I seen Orion give that drayman a quarter, and we took right off.

Well, I am sitting there trying to smother a laugh, and I hears noises from the back and knows that Jim is doing the same. But Orion just sets up straight and tall and off we go. Purty soon we pulls up in front of a fancy theater sort of place, with red and gold paint all over, and signs hanging on the walls with pictures of girls in fancy clothes on them. By this time, Huck Finn had taught me enough of my letters that I could read a bit, so I spelled out things like "Miss Lilywhite Pearson sings and dances," and "The Boston Sensation in the Dance of the Swan," and especially, "Le Can Can Bijoux!" So I am all hot to go inside and see what kind of show they are putting on.

Orion goes up to the winder, and gabs with the gal behind it, and purty soon I see him putting some money through. The gal takes them, and then Orion is pinting to Jim and gabbing some more, and he puts some coins on the counter and the gal nods. Orion comes back to us and says, "Two of the best box seats, Hoss, and we are going to see a show renowned around the world. And Jim, I got a place in the nigger gallery for you too, so upstairs you go and enjoy the show." Jim he looks excited, and off he goes, while we goes into the box seats and sets down comfortable.

Well, I don't know iffen that show was world renowned, but it can have my custom any time. First thing, this old gal comes out dressed in a red velvet gown, cut so low on the top that I was athinking that her bazooms were going to fall out any minnit (but they never did). She announced the acts and told how famed they was and what crowned heads of Europe they had performed for and all. Well, Miss Lilywhite Pearson was first. She come out on stage and begun singing and she sure had a purty voice. But that warn't the main part of her show. She sung a song about a gal doing the washing, and at the end of every verse she sung out, "And then she hung it up!" And every time she sung those words, she took off some of her clo'se and hung them on a hook on the stage there!

First, she slipped out of her white dress. Underneath she had on a black corset and a white petticoat. The corset pushed her boobs up so much that there was these two white mounds with a purty valley in between them. Then as she sang the next verse, she swished her petticoats around so her bloomers were showing under them, and when she come to the chorus she pulled that petticoat right off and stood there in nothing but her corset and bloomers, all lacy and white. I was feeling my cock getting hard jest watching this, and I sorta squirmed in my seat, but I saw Orion Clemens he was doin the same thing so I felt all right.

Well I was all in a sweat to see what happened at the end of the next verse. Sure enough she began working the ties of her corset and slipping it off. Just as things were about to pop out, she turned her back to the audience, and took the corset and held it over her head. You could hear the whole audience sort of sigh. She rocked back and forth a little bit, and then she turned around slowly. Well, it were the first time I ever seen a gal show a pair of boobs, naked like that, right on stage, and it were a sight to see right enough. They was round and white and sorta swayed back and forth, and the teats on em was not as long as a cow's, but the same shape, and nice and pink, and standing up hard.

I looked over at Orion and saw that he was aholding his hat in his lap with his hand under it. It didn't take me long to figger that one out, and so I grabbed my hat and put it in my lap too, and purty soon was enjoying the show even more. I hardly hearn the last verse of the song, I was just waiting for the chorus again.

Sure enough, she got to the chorus, and she turned her back again and started sliding her bloomers down off her ass. It was just like the boobs, nice and round and white with a big split in the middle. She dropped her bloomers and bent over. I was all hot and bothered for sure now, and I could see her cunt right between her legs. She shook her ass a bit, and then turned back toward us so her white pussy hair was showing over the pink lips. I couldn't do nothing but hope that Orion 's paper had an address on it where I could do more than look at a cunt like that.

Now she begun dancing, hopping around the stage and spreading her legs out so her pink pussy gaped open ever time she moved. Then she went to the back of the stage and the first lady came out and announced the famous "Can Can Bijoux" direct from Paree. Well the music started up fast and furious, and these five gals came cavorting out there dancing up a storm. It seemed that they was going to throw their heads and arms around as much as possible, and dance as fast as possible, and expose as much of their underpinnin's as possible. First they lifted up the front of their dress and showed their bloomers, and then they flipped the back it up and showed their butts with the lacy covers. Then five men whirled out on the stage and began dancing with them gals. Pretty soon, them men all got down on the floor, and they slid right between the legs of them gals! Every man came out from under the skirt, and he was awaving the gal's bloomers in his hand!

Well now of course all the audience was hooting and clapping. The girls kept on dancin, and we were all waiting for them to flip their skirts up. Sure enough, first they flipped up the back, and five white moons were winking at us. Everybody cheered, and they turned and pulled the skirts up in front, and now we was looking at five purty nests of soft hair, diff'rent colors on the diff'rent girls. They begun kicking up their legs, so's you could see between em. I was surprised to see that all five cunts were sort of diff'rent, some of them closed tight and some of them with bigger lips and such like. But it were sure a good show.

Well I could of stayed a long time, but Orion he punched me on the arm and motioned to the door. So we went on out, and Orion give a nigger boy a penny to go up and bring Jim down from the balcony. Jim came down, and we could see through the cotton trousers he was wearing that he had been enjoyin the show too. "Lawsy mercy, Mars Orion , I never thought they would let no nigger see a show like that. It were a sight fer oncet in a blue moon, sure 'nuff."

Orion chuckled, and waved to a hackman nearby. We got in the buggy and Orion showed the hackman the next address on his list. The hackman chuckled, and I seen him tip Jim a wink as the bags was loaded in. As we clattered off, Orion said, "Now we get down to the real business. The Captain gave me a note to the lady of this house to see that we are specially well treated."

Well, we got down at a big white house with pillars out front, almos like a Southern plantation. We went to the door, and a octoroon maidservant opened it, and Orion showed her his note. She giggled, and opened the door and let us in. She knocked on a door, and opened it, and said, "Friends of Captain Bigby, m'am. Two gennelmen and their servant." We went in and saw a fat old lady sitting on a couch, eating chocolates.

"Well, come in, gentlemen. Any friend of Captain Bigby's is a friend of Madam Louise. I am sure we can accommodate all you need. First, tell me, will your servant wait or would you like to allow him the servant's facilities?"

Orion bowed to Madam Louise, and said, "He is a trusted servant, Madam, and we would be delighted for him to avail himself of your servant's quarters."

Madam beckoned Orion forward, and they consulted in low voices for a few minnits. Then I saw Orion take quite a lot of silver dollars out of his purse and hand them over. Madam rang a bell, and the door opened and a nigger gal came in, but dressed like no slave or servant I ever saw. She had on a filmy white top, sort of wrapped under her boobs to push them up. Dark teats showed through the light stuff. More was wrapped around her hips and pulled up through her crotch, leaving her black legs bare, and her dark black pussy hair showing through the filmy stuff. I turned and looked at Jim, and sure enuf his eyes were apoppin out of his head. The nigger gal came right over to Jim and put her arm in his, and led him out through the door, her black ass twitchin as she went. Jim looked back at Orion , and Orion nodded his head, so off they went.

Now Madam pointed at another door. I looked to see what kind of a gal would come out of it, but Orion went over and opened it. It was a dark stair leading down. I didn't know what was up, but Orion motioned me on so we went down. At the bottom, we found a small room with several comfortable arm chairs in it. Orion pointed to a chair, and I set in it. Then he went to one wall that was covered with a curtain. He grabbed a gold cord, and opened the curtain. Behind the curtain was a winder, and I could see a room with a big bed in it. Orion put a finger to his lips. Then he sat beside me and whispered, "That glass is a mirror on the other side. Nobody can see into this room."

Well, purty soon the door opens, and there comes Jim and that nigger wench into the room. She pushes Jim down on the bed, and we can see his cock is pressing hard against his trousers already. Then she starts to dance, rubbing up against Jim while she does. Jim has his hands all over her, grabbin her butt and her tits through that soft filmy cloth. Fore long she lets him get hold of the cloth over her top and he pulls it off, letting her boobs out. She has big round black boobs, and the teats stand up real nice. Jim he sure is tooken with them, and he grabs hold of them and starts rubbin and squeezin. The wench pulls his head down between those soft boobs and rubs them back and forth. Then he takes one of the teats in his mouth, and durn if that nigger ain't suckin on that teat jus like he was milking a cow, in and out.