Joel & Mrs. Tanner 01
Everything has its pros and cons, right? There always seems to be a balance between all that is good and the other side of the balance beam.
For example, with each and every city sponsored festival, you have a ton fun and over indulged on unhealthy festival food and beer and then you pay for it the next day, but you had fun, right?
Another example is when you attend or volunteer for every event sponsored by the Society Club and you drink bottled water and have a few small snacks. You feel good as a member of the community and your stomach comes out feeling so much better from drinking bottled water and eating the reasonable snacks, but you sweat and get a work out you weren't ready for.
I mean, the ribbon cutting ceremonies for the grand opening of a restored historical barn or something aren't too bad, but the river cleanup projects go the other way. I mean, instead of standing in the shade and applauding as Head Society Club Lady Mrs. Tanner struggles with the over-sized novelty scissors, you have to walk around in afternoon sun with a pick-up poker stick and a trash bag and sweat.
However, to keep your outstanding community member card, you have to do it, no matter how heavy discarded gum wrappers are.
Fortunately, the last Society Club sponsored event was a cleanup project for the little park on the river just north of the Stillwater Bridge. It's named Early Settlers Park because it is thought to be the place where a group of early settlers camped out for a while back in the day. That may or may not to be, but it is a nice clearing on the banks of the river and it would be a nice place to spend a few nights.
Anyways, there is a little shade from the trees and under the bridge viaduct, but climbing up and down the hill between the high ground and river park with seven gum wrappers is quite a work out. But you have to do it, right? I mean, the Society Club and their infamous gold sticker stars, right? Everyone has to have one, although everyone could do without the stupid logo t-shirts that clearly identify everyone as a dork who supports the local Society Club.
"Joel, are you going to start in on me again? Didn't I beat you off with a stick enough at the historical barn restoration ribbon cutting ceremony? And obviously, I just used a poor choice of words."
"But Head Society Club Lady Mrs. Tanner, all I said is that you look amazing in your extremely crisp "river bank cleanup" outfit. I mean, your fancy little rubber boots, which definitely didn't come from the local department store, are the envy of all of the volunteers and the other Society Club ladies. I swear, I meant it as a compliment."
"Fine, Joel, compliment accepted, but listen, even though the Society Club ladies say that they have my back, things still get around to the Gossip Club pretty fast these days and my divorce has been hard enough on me. So, it's me Joel, not you. Anyways, thank you for volunteering today and I hope you're smart enough to realize that I never ever said that I didn't like the colorful and playful comments we exchanged when you tricked me at the historical barn ribbon cutting ceremony into the back of the barn where no one could see us, alright? Just keep your voice down in future, OK Joel?"
Folks, the Society Club's official handbook approves the slang use of "colorful and playful" language as a substitute for flirting. You know, right? Why use one word when you can use three words?
"Besides Joel, I know you wish that our time in the back of barn had gone a little further and I'm almost sorry that we didn't go a little further, but believe me, you're actually winning. I have found myself with having certain sensations since that day and I might actually be looking forward to the day when my shirt and bra are off in your presence, but not today, Joel. I mean, look around. There are volunteers in their dorky t-shirts everywhere, not to mention all of the Society Club ladies who are lining the top of the hill and the Stillwater Bridge as they pass out bottled water and snacks. I mean, the Gossip Club, Joel, the Gossip Club I say."
"But Head Society Club Lady Mrs. Tanner, how could you sleep at night as the Head Society Lady if there was a bite sized candy bar wrapper laying unbeknownst to us under the bridge viaduct? The viaduct, I say, the viaduct. Which also provides a little cover from prying eyes given the size of the concrete pillars and all."
Unbeknownst? Did I seriously just say unbeknownst in one of my stories?
"Hah! Nice try, young man. I mean, tempting for sure, but I was young once Joel and I doubt that the viaduct is as empty as you might think it is. Or did you think that us girls waited for college to learn how to remove a bra from under our shirts without removing our shirts?"
Hah, nice try back at her, right? There is a step by step illustrated poster tagged to the center bridge support pillar!
"Anyways Joel, it's not that I don't want to as a woman and the thought of an unbeknownst candy wrapper would haunt me at night, but the hills have eyes Joel, prying eyes and phone cameras, I say. Besides, the Society Club has another ribbon cutting ceremony next weekend to reopen the old movie theater, so, can't this wait? I promise, I'm committing to fooling around with you, but this is way too much in the open."
Hmmm, the old movie theater, huh? Soft chairs, dark viewing theaters, the upper projection rooms? That has promise, you know, for Mrs. Utes and all, but that's next weekend and today is today.
"Joel, isn't it enough for now that I'm committed to doing stuff in private soon when your pee-pee fills with blood? You know, like it is now?"
Sorry again folks, but the Society Club handbook for approved slang, right? I handbook that I clearly did not write, by the way.
"I also promise to not hold it against you today if your urges are so great that you must have some form of sexual relief right now. Our newest Society Club member, who is transitioning from spoiled well to do club slut to a proper Society Club member might be able to help you release your buildup of blood and other fluids. I won't hold it against you Joel because I remember how you truthfully told me that my lack of full participation in the back of the restored historical barn sent you to the hospital for three days because your handbook clearly states that every sexual encounter you have must end with the release of your man fluids, which is the only way to allow for all your blood to return to other vital parts of your body. Besides, you also said that Staff Nurse Chicklet saved you, so we can use her services again if we have to, right?"
