To be named ambassador with absolutely no foreign service experience is overwhelming, to say the least. I come from a small Latin American country and when a friend of mine was elected president, he asked what position I wanted. Instead of opting for a Ministry, or a position in the Presidency, I thought an embassy would be great. I would be away from the limelight, my kids were attending college in the States, and I still managed to have a few dollars in my savings account. The hard part would be picking a country.
Although I love Italy, the dollar's performance against the Euro immediately eliminated the EU. That pretty much left Asia and America to pick from. Asia really never floated my boat, Australia, which appealed to me immensely, didn't have an embassy, and anything south of the Rio Grande sounded boring. That left Canada and the US. Honestly, the embassy in Washington, because of its importance had already been earmarked for somebody who actually knew what he was doing, but I was told Canada would be fine. When push came to shove, politics intervened and I didn't get Canada either, and was finally sent off to Russia.
Russia was an important post for us. They donated money to our country and forgave considerable amounts of debt. Our presence there would be the first time in many years that our country had an operating embassy. Years earlier the embassy had been closed due to budget cuts, but now the Russian government was strongly hinting that if we didn't open up again, the aid would be reduced.
I was sent to Moscow to get us up and running again.
I had told my wife that I should go on ahead and get somewhat settled down and then send for her. I would be staying in a hotel, running around all day looking for a residence and office space, meeting with the foreign ministry and getting things set up to present my credentials. She agreed.
I connected through JFK and landed in Moscow on Friday morning at around 11:00. Although first class was great, I was still a little jet lagged. As soon as I made my way off the aircraft, there was a stunning looking young lady on the jetway holding a sign with my name. I introduced myself and was greeted by the protocol officer assigned to me.
I gave her my passport and claim checks and was whisked through the airport right to a waiting car outside with a driver. Unfortunately, before saying good-bye, she deposited me in the car and told me the driver would take me to my hotel.
I arrived at the hotel, checked in and despite my desire to walk around and get my bearings, I simply collapsed on my bed and fell asleep for hours, awakening at 7:00 pm with a light knock on my door. Turn down service.
By the time I grabbed a shower and decided to eat, it was 9:00. I made my way downstairs and decided to see what restaurants I would find within walking distance of the hotel. I'm sorry to report that my first weekend in Moscow was completely uneventful, despite my best efforts. Obviously, not knowing the language posed a significant obstacle.
On Monday however, my luck changed. After a quick meeting at the foreign ministry, I called two real estate companies and set up appointments for the afternoon to see some properties. I decided the residence would be the priority. Ivan, the first agent, spoke English fluently but he and I just didn't see eye to eye on what I wanted or expected. Nikolai, the second agent was great. He was completely fluent in Spanish and completely understood what I was looking for right off the bat.
24 hours later, I had rented a beautiful apartment for my residence and two days after that I found great office space to open our embassy, both through Nikolai. In fact, surprisingly, both rent amounts came in just under budget, which my foreign ministry was ecstatic about. Seeing as how the negotiations had concluded well, I decided a celebratory drink would be in order with Nikolai. He took me to a very comfy bar about 20 minutes away from my hotel and we started drinking vodka from the get go. After we finished the first bottle, he confided in me that he needed a favor. His sister-in-law was in desperate need of a job, and he wanted to know if I could hire her as a secretary at the embassy. According to Nikolai she could type, she knew Spanish perfectly well, and she was taking English classes at night. Apparently she had been living with him and his wife for six months and had been unable to find a suitable job, and she needed the money. I told him I would put her at the top of the candidate list, and to send her to my hotel on Friday morning at 10:00 for an interview.
Karina called from the lobby promptly at 10:00 to say she was there and I told her to meet me at the hotel restaurant for coffee in five minutes. As I entered the restaurant and glanced around, my eyes came upon a woman who should be modeling, acting, dancing, doing anything except secretarial work. She was incredible. Her posture at the table was PERFECT. With her back straight against the chair, her black hair was shiny and gorgeous, her blue eyes captivated me, and her glistening lips drew me in. Wow!
I introduced myself, ordered tea for both of us, and studied her resume. She had an interior design degree and was fluent in Russian and Spanish, and was currently at a level four in English. The last job the single 22 year old had held was assisting a Moscow architect in designing and decorating a small Russian coffee house chain.
As we sipped on our tea and got talking I convinced her that a secretarial position was really not what she was looking for. She was over qualified for what I was looking for, which was pretty much a glorified receptionist. My office budget was small, and as I was continuing, I could swear I saw her eyes misting up. Aside from making me uncomfortable, the last thing I wanted was for this beautiful creature to slip away from me. So I came up with a great idea.
"How about we put the secretarial position on hold, and I hire you right here, right now to furnish and decorate the residence and the embassy?"
Her gorgeous eyes grew wide, the corner of her lips turned upwards to show an incredibly beautiful row of white teeth, and her breast swelled upwards, all leading to a gasp, "Really?! Are you serious?!
"Yes. What do you say?"
"Oh Mr. Ambassador, thank you thank you thank you! This is marvelous!!!! I can't believe it!"
"Well, I'm glad you accept. What do you say we get started immediately?"
By the time I went to show her the residence and the office, it was lunchtime, so I asked that she take me somewhere nice, but not touristy. We landed at a cozy out of the way restaurant and had a great meal. As we conversed I grew more and more convinced that Karina would resolve all my short-term problems. I asked her to accompany me to a car dealership so I could purchase the new embassy car, and after choosing a new Volvo, and finding out that it would take several days for the tax papers to come through the foreign ministry and ministry of finance, Karina suggested we rent a car. It would be a lot cheaper than getting a taxi everywhere, and we could do a lot of legwork over the weekend. I was all for it.
By nightfall Karina dropped me off at the hotel and I told her to take the car home and pick me up on Saturday at 10:00 so we could go shopping. She was thrilled that I trusted her with the vehicle, said her good byes and was off into the darkness.
Karina again showed up at 10:00 sharp however this time the business attire she had worn yesterday for the interview had been shed to skin tight, hip hugging jeans, which rode incredibly low, and a blouse which accentuated her breasts beautifully. She suggested that seeing as how it was Saturday, and traffic was a little lighter, that I should get behind the wheel and practice driving in Moscow, the "Russian way". Make a long story short, Karina and I finished up buying the bedroom, living room and dining room furniture by 4:00 pm. We were exhausted and famished.
After leaving the last store we went to eat at another cozy little restaurant and whined down. Karina was excited about everything we had bought that day, but complained how her feet were killing her. Because I was in a restaurant and couldn't offer a foot massage, I did the next best thing...."How about a drink?"
"Are you sure Mr. Ambassador?"
"Absolutely, we deserve it."
With that she ordered a bottle of vodka (what else) and we drank while we swallowed our appetizers and worked through our lunch, which was actually pretty tasty.
Much to my surprise, Karina hung with the big boys. This Russian drank her vodka neat, ounce-by-ounce, and grimaced at my way of drinking it on the rocks. But she hung on drink for drink without a sign of getting buzzed, and no going to the bathroom! This was a girl I would like to get to know.
Unbeknownst to me, as I was engulfed in my conversation with Karina, the waiter removed the empty vodka bottle and replaced it with another. By the time we caught on, we simply shrugged and continued drinking.
Almost halfway through the second bottle a little signal went off in my brain that warned me that I had had enough. I ordered the check, paid the bill, and left for the hotel.
Karina said it would be a sin to leave the half bottle that I had already paid for in the restaurant and that we could finish it later. Fine.
As we got back in the car, she asked if we would be calling it a day, to which I responded that I didn't see why we couldn't continue, but that I had to go to my hotel room to freshen up. "Perfect," she said.
By the time I entered my room I had to pee like a racehorse. I made a beeline to the bathroom and told her to make herself at home. When I was done, and had brushed my teeth and washed my face, I came out of the bathroom to see Karina with her boots off rubbing her feet. On the table next to her was a bucket of ice and two glasses. My drink was already served.
Huuuum.
