I couldn't believe what I had just read in my late mother's letter. It answered a question that my brothers and I had asked her many times, but she had refused to answer. Why did my father leave us?
My name is Christine and my mother, Abigail, died just over five years ago.
My brothers lived at opposite ends of the country and apart from their help in clearing Mum's house, which was rented, the rest of the work fell to me.
We packed up all of Mum's personal stuff and stored it in my spare room. The furniture went off to auction.
After the funeral, the plan was for my brothers to come and help sort out the personal stuff, but that never happened. Between work and looking after Trevor, my husband, it took me a while to get through the stuff. As I sorted it, I asked my brothers if they wanted anything I'd found, but they didn't want any of it.
Whilst doing this I fell pregnant and it was not an easy pregnancy. I was quite ill most of the time and ended up giving up work. It also put a hold on sorting Mum's things.
After a very difficult labour, I gave birth to twin boys. I was delighted when Trevor said I should be a stay at home Mum to the boys.
Because of my difficulties Trevor had a vasectomy which took a load off my mind as I really didn't want to have another pregnancy like the last one.
I eventually got some time to start on the pile of boxes in the spare room, and in one I found Mum & Dad's wedding album. Turning the pages, I noticed the corner of a piece of paper sticking out from underneath one of the photos.
I eased it out and found the letter. I cried as I recognised Mum's handwriting. This is what she wrote.
To my children.
If you are reading this, I am no longer in this world. I know you resented the fact that I would never tell you why your Dad left us. Now I will tell you and you can resent me even more. It no longer matters to me.
Your Dad left us because I wasn't a good wife to him. I had a sexual relationship with a young man. I didn't plan to do it. It crept up on me slowly and I let it happen willingly.
Our marriage wasn't the best in the world towards the end. It seemed to me like we were just going through the motions. I didn't know how your Dad felt about it because we never talked about it.
It started one evening, just an ordinary evening. There was a knock on the door and it was Ian, a young man asking if we would like to sign up to a charity lottery. It was a pound a week and he would be collecting the money.
We invited him in and offered him a cup of tea while we discussed it. As we were talking I looked Ian over. There was something about him that drew me to him. I couldn't put my finger on it as he wasn't anything exceptional to look at but he had an air about him that was quite magnetic.
We signed up for the lottery and Ian agreed to collect at about the same time each week.
When he left your Dad said.
"He seems like a nice lad."
I though he was more than that but couldn't say it.
"Yes, he's very pleasant."
That was the extent of our discussion about Ian.
Life went on and Ian called weekly to collect the money. Each time he had a cup of tea with us.
My attraction to him was still there but I wasn't going to act on it. I was married and wasn't about to endanger that. He was also much too young for me. I doubted that he would have any interest in me anyway. He never indicated that he did.
Your Dad got on well with Ian and invited him to drop in anytime. It started with Ian calling a couple of times a week then over time he ended up calling in most nights.
Christine, you won't remember any of this as you were so young and always in bed, but your brothers will.
I used to sit in the chair facing the TV, your Dad and brothers would be on the sofa and that left the chair facing me for Ian.
We drank tea, smoked cigarettes and talked about everything under the sun. It was a fun time.
After the boys had gone to bed, your Dad came up with the idea of throwing a cigarette at me and I was supposed to pull the neck of my top open to catch it. The idea was that if it went in the thrower had to retrieve it.
If your Dad succeeded he would give me a good grope, but Ian was more circumspect. I don't know if he was worried about your Dad, or didn't really want to do it but he was very careful to touch me as little as possible.
Given my attraction to Ian, this made me feel a bit frustrated. It got so that I ached for him to touch my boobs. He never did.
Your Dad and I took it in turns to make the tea and one time when your Dad was making it I opened my legs so Ian could see my knickers. I wondered if he could see the damp patch.
He looked up my skirt, then at my face. He raised on eyebrow and smiled at me. That made me happy.
I began to sense that Ian had some interest in me now and I wanted to follow that up, even though I knew I shouldn't. It was impossible given the fact that your Dad was always about.
The cigarette throwing continued and I tried to move just enough for Ian so that he would touch my boobs. One time his fingers brushed across my bra clad nipple and I got very wet.
It was probably about a month before anything more happened. It was my turn to make the tea and while I was in the kitchen I heard Ian say.
"I need to take a leak"
He came into the kitchen on his way to the downstairs toilet. As I turned to see him, he grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me. He ran his hand up my skirt and gave me a quick grope. I was dripping wet.
He broke the kiss and whispered.
"You know I'm going to fuck you sometime."
I gasped. I never used that word, but him saying it turned me on so much.
"Oh! God. I hope so." was all I could get out before he went to the toilet.
The next few weeks were intensely frustrating for me. I fantasised about Ian having me. What was he like. Was he bigger than your Dad? Would he be better than your Dad? That last one wouldn't be too difficult. For the past couple of years sex was like a car ferry. Roll on, roll off with little foreplay. The only reason it wasn't painful was the lubrication of the condom.
I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop. Knowing that Ian wanted me was amazing.
Ian seemed in no hurry. I couldn't figure out why. I was climbing the walls. I suppose finding time would be difficult as both of us worked during the week and your Dad was home in the evenings and weekends.
Eventually, the opportunity came. Your Dad was going on a training course and would be away two nights. I didn't say anything to Ian.
When Ian came round, your Dad of course wasn't in.
"Where is he?" he asked.
"He's away on a training course. He won't be here tonight or tomorrow night."
Ian's eyes lit up and the look he gave me made my insides turn to mush.
The four of us sat chatting, just like any other night. Your brothers went to bed at their normal time, leaving Ian and I alone. I was itching to get started but I had to make sure the boys were settled.
I gave it half an hour before going up to check. They were settled and asleep. I popped into my room and picked up a condom from my bedside drawer and went downstairs.
As I walked into the room, Ian stood up and stepped towards me. He pulled me to him and kissed me. Our tongues duelled and explored each others mouths. My knees went weak. He slid one hand under my top and pushed my bra over my boobs and played with them. My nipples stood to attention instantly. I was close to orgasm already.
He removed his hand and bent to take a nipple in his mouth, licking, sucking and nibbling at it. I gasped as a small orgasm hit me.
