"Hey I'm up here," I waved, Kate looked up;
"It feels amazing baby but come up here; I need to talk to you.
"Yer still soft William, is something wrong?"
"No, No... well maybe, I need to clear some things up you is all."
"You're angry," Kate whispered.
"No, not angry - more like concerned, it's important to me that you understand, relationships are a 2 way street.
"A thought A had been, A'm trying to please ye - are ye not pleased William?"
"No I'm not exactly pleased, I'm feeling like a bit of an object here, kinda like a means to play out your fantasy."
"That's not true," Kate whispered, looking somewhat vulnerable. A want to make ye happy, A want to..."
You don't have to prove anything to me, I interjected, I need you just to be Kate, my Kate, not clatty Goth whore Kate, Russian girl Kate or young tattooed girl Kate."
"Look, I lied, I've seen that film, and I know what you were about to do, and I also know it wasn't about me, it was about you fantasizing about sucking a shitty cock. You wanted to play that fantasy out, which is okay as long as you remember one thing, this is real, and so am I.
Kate blew out a sigh, A'm a little new to this, so A'm not exactly sure what yer on about."
I wanted her so bad, but it was important for me to let her know she was well beyond a simple fetish;
"Hey, I'm lucky, I've felt love for another before, so I know what it is, and I have no doubt what it is when it hits me again; can you honestly say the same?"
A thoughtful scowl appeared on Kate's face,
"No, A cannae, A'm... A know A love being with ye; and A know A don't want you to leave, an A know A'm scared to death that ye will. Boot all these feelings mashed together - A cannae tell ye honestly, what it means, guess A'm bit of a mess in that regard;
I took her shit covered hand, in other regards too, I quipped, trying to lighten the mood;
"Hey no need to be upset, your answer was perfect Kate, it was honest, so you're not as messed up as you think you are, I didn't and can't expect anymore than that."
Kate, looked down,
"We've been through so much, an' we've learned a lot about each other, why these questions now William, things seemed to be coming along fine, so why now?"
"I'm sorry Kate, it took me some time to process my true feelings for you, and in a way, we have been having a good time playing with each other and don't get me wrong, it's fun, and titillating and very interesting but... well let me put it this way;
"Last night when we played the couples scenario, you know when you..."
"A know," Kate interrupted,
"Ya well what was running through your mind? Was it more just a 'this is something I wanted to try' kinda thing, or was it this is what I want to show my man how much... hmm, hard to explain, so I'm going to tell you how I felt."
"I felt closer to you than ever, I felt privileged, I mean to think you were willing to do that, with me, it's a very intimate thing, to me it was a show of love and great devotion, something that only us - as a couple could understand. Today I realized that, it's not a game, and it may not be as deep rooted as far as meaning to you, you know what I mean?"
"Kate nodded, A know, an' ye'd be right, A was horny - A had the opportunity, so A took it... to say A did it primarily out of affection, well it joost wasn't, that... A'm sorry."
I gave her a well needed hug.
"No need. Ok then, I understand, it makes sense, I appreciate your honesty."
Kate pulled away,
"What do you mean it's OK, it's not Okay, it's, A wish A...
"It's OK, you've helped me open my eyes, you made me wait, take it slow, be civil remember? It gave me time to think, I don't want to take advantage, I don't want it to be a game, you were right all along, I'm not a shit eater, I mean in the sense that it gives me only sexual pleasure. I'll try to explain, Shannon, was my only previous experience, forced as you pointed out, you suggested it didn't count, but I know it did count as it still meant something precious to me. I remember now; I remember why I couldn't remember how it felt, how it smelled, and how it tasted, I only remember that I wanted it, but I thought I loved her, so I only lked it because it came from deep inside her."
Kate took my hand, it's only a token William, it's not a feeling, ye can't compare that the degree of affection one has fer another from it. A mean, you would have loved her had she not shit in yer mouth - Ya? Would ye have stopped loving her? You see it's not a substitute, Love is either there or not."
"Exactly, my point - Wouldn't you want to know that a so personal intimacy like that should be only done exclusively with someone you love. It's not just a token, couples start holding hands, then move on from there based on the depth of feelings they have for one another, the acts of hugging, kissing are all tokens... I mean a lot of people wait for marriage to consummate, because for them it's the most effective way to express their deepest Love and devotion for each other. And here we are; I've been thinking nothing else but wanting you inside of me, but today I fully understand why, and it's not to confirm a curiosity, or provide a cheap thrill for me to blow my load to."
I squeezed her tight,
"That's why I'm telling you now, If you want us to direct our own movie, I think the foundation - for me anyway - starts there. You're much more than a cheap thrill to me, and I think it's important to me to feel that you're on the same script. I just needed you to know that."
"An' you don't feel that A'm..."
"I didn't say that, but what I do know is that you don't know which isn't wrong or bad - It's just not ready - maybe you're not ready."
"I want te Love ye William, but how does one know fer sure?"