It was my last chance and it was going well. I sat across from Mouse watching her stare down at her coffee. It was awkward, neither of us knowing what to say, not knowing how to break the ice. I felt the seconds pass. I felt the minutes pass. It was all to the good I thought. She'll see there was never anything there. It was just all fluff and air as everything is in the cyber world. This would be our first and last meeting.
We were both not free to be with each other and if the feelings, if the passions were genuine, there were some tough decisions to make. I was so sure once we'd met, we'd see it as a chimera, built out of air, and it all would collapse like a house of cards. I was able to finally come up to where she lived and now we sat there awkwardly in a coffee shop near where she lived. It was all to the good I thought.
But it wasn't working for me. I saw her face and loved every part. When I saw her at the table, waiting for me, I saw the fragility in her as she fought her uncertainty and I saw the courage in her as she stayed there, waiting. From our first faltering words, I felt her vulnerability. What I hoped she saw was someone too old and too average looking - someone too much of nothing much.
Time was creeping slowly and time was flying by. It was both at the same time. I wanted it to be time to leave, for it to be over so I could go back to my hotel room and steel myself for the future. Yet, I wanted more time with her even though we were only sitting in silence.
So, I'd say a few words and she'd say a few words back or she'd say a few words and I'd say a few words back. Then, more staring down at the coffee, more staring out the window. All to the good. She must be bored to death. And I sat there not being able to let my heartbreak show.
Then it was time. She had to leave. I tried a smile and walked her out and stood there as she walked away, back to her home and her life.
I walked back to the motel. I didn't want to, but I didn't trust myself walking or driving around in a strange city when all I could think of was the emptiness before me, so I went back to my room, turned on the tv, and lay there. Empty words were babbling in the air, keeping me company as I tried to somehow fill the emptiness in me. I dimly heard the rumble of thunder and felt a cooling as the rain began to fall. I shut my eyes and listened to the babbling of the voices, the low rumble of thunder, and the rain. I tried to find life in them to keep me going.
I woke with a start. There was someone knocking at the door. I was confused, wondering if the tv was too loud and someone complained. I got up and looked through the peephole. It was Mouse. I hurriedly opened the door and dragged her in. She was soaked. Her brown hair fell in wet strands around her face. Her blouse clung to her. Rain dripped down her pants onto the floor.
I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. I rummaged through my suitcase and found my pajamas and slippers. Handing them to her, I told her to go to the bathroom, dry herself, and change. I grabbed some hangers, knocked on the bathroom door, and when she opened the it, stuck my hand with the hangars in. While she dried herself and changed, I turned the tv off and sat down to wait. Remembering the anxious, miserable look on her face as I grabbed her into the room, I dreaded what she wanted to say. I didn't need a formal good-bye. I knew already. I should have said it first so she didn't have to walk through the rain to tell me.
