Slipping down the narrow hallway I turn off the light as I pass. The dark advances and I see that the room ahead is lit only by the television set, the volume set on low. I set my purse on a table and proceed to the kitchen with a handful of wild-flowers that I picked along the road. I see an empty beer bottle sitting on the counter, I rinse this out and put the flowers into the neck. Can something be warm and cozy and yet amusing at the same time? If so, then this is it.
I take a glass out of the cupboard and draw myself a tall glass of water. I'm parched from the long hot drive. Taking the glass to the fridge I open the freezer, the cold air pours around me in an icy embrace. I reach for the ice trays and take the last cubes, plopping each into my glass one at a time. I drink the water down in nearly one long swallow. As I close the freezer door I feel your arms slip around my shoulders and your head rest against my neck. A comforting embrace from a very special friend. I thank you with a kiss to the top of your head. A gesture I've used with you many times before, always thanking you.
You release me and we walk to the couch to settle in. I remove my shoes and curl my legs under me. I breathe a sigh and rest my head against the cushion. You reach for my hand and take it in your own. Stroking softly the back of my hand and telling me that you're glad to see me again. I smile at you and give your hand a squeeze. We fall silent. I can't help but stare ahead into nothing...but my mind is full of sights and sounds. My pain ebbs and flows through my heart and mind. You see this and move closer to put your arm around me. I lean against you, trying with all my might to hold back the tears that fight their way to my cheeks.
You stroke my hair slowly and softly. A comforting gesture I've craved for weeks. I feel like a child being cuddled. I just need to be close to someone, to know that someone cares for me on any level. To have my burden of pain eased. I need to know the comfort of touch. To feel the pure physical. Making me feel as if I'm close to being alive.
The phone is ringing and you rise to answer it, leaving me alone on the couch. I stretch out, pulling a pillow under my head. Closing my eyes the visions creep in again, invading my memories. I can't fight these and don't wish to. I sometimes feel that if I allow myself to feel as much pain as I can then I will finally heal.