Mrs. Clare

Mrs. Clarke 01

So, my name is Andrew and my back story is nothing special other than I'm always willing to help out. And that's what I did recently when my friend, Tim, who was visiting with his father for the weekend, texted me and said he received a notification that a few of his expected packages had arrived and he asked me to swing by his mom's place, Mrs. Clarke, and pick them up to protect against porch pirates.

Boom, I was Johnny/Andrew on the spot and I did that, done, check the box, give me a gold star, pat me on the back and everybody lived happily ever after. As long as "ever after" is defined as about later that Saturday at 8pm when I texted Tim back and confirmed that I safely held his 3 boxes, to which he replied that he only expected 2 packages, which kind of made me the porch pirate.

And my anime girlfriend is a space pirate (Tessa), but that's another story.

Well, once I actually looked at the 3 packages, I quickly learned of my mistake because one box was clearly a cowboy, well, a cowgirl deerskin vest with those frilly fringes on it and it was an honest and legit mistake because of some reason.

And Tessa is hot.

Anyways, I quickly figured out that the fancy vest was for Mrs. Clarke and her adventures down at the Line Dance Club, which wouldn't be known as the Limp Dick Club if my girlfriend was the Bouncer.

So, Mrs. Clarke, right? Not the most attentive gamer mom around, but she always made us gamers the best deep dish individual pizzas, so that was worth it. She's also a dance judge at the old folk's club, so, boom, I went into hero mode and delivered the unopened vest package to Mrs. Clarke down at the club.

"Excuse me, do you have the right club? You look like someone who might spend a Saturday night at Kandi's Korner Club rather than at the Line Dance Club, so?"

I'm not really a nightclub kind of person. Plus, I'm 2 months short of 21, so.

"Oh, I'm a regular at Kandi's Korner Club sure enough and my girlfriend gets her own special tall table because she's that hot, but for the next 10 minutes, I'm in hero mode and saving the day by personally delivering a fancy vest to Mrs. Clarke because being the hero is what I do, so?"

"[Sniff, sniff] do you really have a girlfriend because you're not perfume scented from being embraced by a girlfriend as she hugged you goodbye for your hero mission, hmm? Anyways, hi there, I'm Belinda, I'm 44 and all of my stuff still works and you can figure that out for yourself when your mission is..."

[A peanut shell crunching trot across the floor to save the day]

"Oops, oops, that's enough, Belinda! Um, bye, Belinda, um, Andrew? Um, what are you doing here, Andrew? I mean, you're almost of age to get into Kandi's Korner nightclub and sometimes they turn a blind eye, so, um, your turn, Andrew."

[Whips out the white plastic soft package, which like most other white plastic soft packages is marred and dirty because packages are substitutes for a frisbee]

"Mrs. Clarke, I swear it, I grabbed this package by mistake when I snagged a couple of Tim's packages earlier today to protect against any porch pirates and only because I know that your Saturday's are chuck full of errands, so, ta da, I'm saving the day by personally delivering your package to you, so, your turn, Mrs. Clarke."

[A quick and unexpected hug "thanks" which also transferred a perfume scent onto Andrew]

"Eek! I was hoping that this vest would arrive in time for tonight's special event, so, eek, thank you so very much, Andrew [re-hugs]! Oops, again [sniff, sniff] I've scented you (giggles). Anyways, this is just perfect, Andrew, since I am a dance competition judge and all, so?"

"And, and, and, you're sexy, Mrs. Clarke! Where did those come from, huh?"

[Points because Andrew is not all that experienced with women, but doesn't touch]

"(Giggles) well, I am a woman and women have boobs and boobs make cleavage and some cowgirl shirts highlight cleavage and it's a whole Sex Ed story from there, Andrew. And this vest, ahem, will cover up, tee he, a tad."

"Or, or, or, draw in more eye ball attention! And I'll just shut it now, Mrs. Clarke, so?"

"[Pats chest] good choice, Andrew, good choice. Anyways, stick around since you're already inside of the old folk's club. But we need to make a neutral territory tie first, so?"

"Um, yeah, I know all about a neutral territory tie, Mrs. Clarke and that's actually in my hero mission statement motto, so, yeah, we're at a tie, so?"

"Oh, usually there a couple of secret things revealed first, Andrew, but maybe I'm running behind with my "modern woman" night classes, so, I'll start by offering that I officially know nothing about how my kid receives packages from "Love You Long Time, LLC" out of Asia and you agree to..."

[An interrupting sliding crunchy entry over the peanut shells. Or a body slam entrance]

"Woo-hoo, oops [bump], hi there [sniff, sniff], damn it, Carla! You perfume scented this young gun already? Also, hi, I'm Millie and all I care about is that your young gun six-shooter is about 20 because..."

"(Giggles) now, Millie, this is Andrew, my son's friend and he brought me my new dance judging frilly vest and with my excitement, I quick hug jumped him, so?"

"Hmm, well, I'll be around then, especially when Carla is busy judging the dances because..."

"Ahem, bye for now, Millie!"

[Um, um, that was some crunching walk away over the peanut shells! Millie got hips! And a roll of duct tape, yikes!]

"Um, Mrs. Clarke, was that a roll of duct tape in her hand? Is she the building maintenance person?"

"(Giggles) well, in trade for a tie of silence about her duct tape, tee he, versus my silence about your current girlfriend, Tessa, um, tee he, Millie has an old out to pasture cowboy on the hook here at the Line Dance Club, but Chester is so far out in the pasture that, tee he, Millie has to tape wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap him up to get her sex!"

Momentarily, I only passed out momentarily, folks. But I didn't fall down.

"OMFG, Mrs. Clarke, um, tee he, does that work?"

"Oh, gawd no, but they have fun, tee he! Anyways, tee he, young gun stud with the six-shooter in your pocket over Millie's swinging hips [an accidental verification], I need to get ready and get my booty at the judges table, so, stick around because tee he, our 'after party' is fireworks out back in the rear parking lot, so?"

"I mean, yeah, I can cancel my other plans and watch a couple of dance battles, Mrs. Clarke."

"LOL, well, Andrew, I'm not sure that "dance battles" applies to our age group or to line dancing in general, LOL, but, yeah, stick around. And since we're in neutral territory and all, Andrew, I mean, you could escort me to the hallway of the restrooms, where I'll put on my new and fringe frilly vest, so?"

"Oh, I can do that, Mrs. Clarke, especially since we're in neutral territory and even more especially since I know all about being in neutral territory, especially even more, more about being in a darker hallway with a woman, so, um, what else do I know then, Mrs. Clarke, huh?"

"Oh, LOL, it sounds like you know it all, Andrew. But, unfortunately, Andrew, what you don't know is that if I had known that I was going to receive a surprise wardrobe delivery, I mean, that's right, young gun, I would have planned for that by, well, you know what would have happened anyways, because you know, you know it all, right, Andrew, tee he?"

"Oh, I mean, Mrs. Clarke, I've been scented and claimed, so, um, I'm playing that card, so?"

"Well, that's a perfect card to play from the bottom of the deck then, Andrew because if I had known, I would have planned a change of cowgirl shirts to match my frilly vest by having my claimed man stand guard in the powder room, where I would have slowly removed my previous cowgirl shirt, checked myself out in the mirror, make a few pushing up adjustments to the girls, fiddle with my bra, slowly put on a different cowgirl shirt, that matched my frilly judging vest, check my lip gloss in the mirror, carefully slide on my new vest, recheck my look in the mirror one more time and lip smack my dealing from the bottom of deck man a couple of times and..."

Fine, that time I hit the floor when I passed out.

"Up you go [ugh, ugh, lift], young gun!"

"I mean, I mean, Mrs. Clarke, are you my secret cowgirl girlfriend now?"

"LOL, no Andrew [quick smooch], but most things are fair in neutral territory! Now, ogle at my gamer mom boobs and go have a sit at the bar, stud! And watch out for women in this place! But you're a free man, so."

Well, as I said before, Mrs. Clarke was quite conservative on game nights. But she was the first woman to ever refer to me as a man, you know, because that's what I am.

[A swish in a flash in the open bar stool next to that man, Andrew]

"[Sniff, sniff] damn, that woman works fast! Um, hi, I'm Emily and I care and I don't care because I can tell by your age that you would bounce back in time to be with Carla Clarke later, so?"

"Oh, I mean, Emily..."

"I'm 36 + 3 + 3 + 1 and I'm a better match for you since I'm guessing that Carla Clarke is 38 + 3 + 3 +2 years older than you, so?"

"Oh, I never heard that before because..."

"When a woman takes a man next it a row, it's call sloppy seconds, but when a man takes a second woman next in a row, it's called I'm 20 something and a stud, so?"

"I mean, I mean, I mean, Emily, I'm Andrew and I'm going to pass out again, so?"

"Well, can I leave my phone number with you, Andrew? And I would be more than happy to write it down on your six-shooter with my Sharpie [whips a Sharpie out of her cleavage], so?"

[Saved by the bell! Maybe, Emily had a couple of nice things about her]

"[Squeak, squawk] ladies and gentlemen, cowgirls and cowboys, let the line dancing competition begin! Judge Carla, our very own, judge Carla has taken her seat at the judges table and we're ready to hoop and holla and kick up a dust storm! LOL, of peanut shell dust, ka boom, ka boom, I'm here all week folks, ahem, um and don't forget about the big fireworks show afterwards folks because as we know, when the men's fireworks stop working, they buy baby missiles fireworks, ka boom, ka boom, ah, nothing, folks?"

[No laughter or chuckling from the crowd]

"[Squeak, squawk] well, fine, anyways, let's turn our attention to the dance floor and the very lovely Judge Carla!"

[A rousing round of applause from the crowd, with matching spot lights on Judge Carla]

Well, who knew that Mrs. Clarke was such a popular judge, huh? And who knew that fringe flops around like that? And how didn't I notice how tight her jeans were before?

"Thank you, one and all for that warm reception, but hold on because tonight are the semi-finals and the scores must be earned tonight and trust me, ahem, the only person getting a free pass tonight is Emily and tee he, Emily isn't even in the competition! Ahem, one free pass!"

[Swoosh, swish, like a body check next to that man, Andrew!]

"Anyways, let's get with it. Ned and Martha, the dance floor is all yours to set on fire!"

[A round of applause from the viewing crowd]

"Well, Andrew, I heard Carla say a free pass, so?"

[Um, fast forwarding, folks because that was Andrew's first ever free pass and it started out so awkwardly that it was almost embarrassing, until Emily took over. But Emily totally performed like a woman of 36 + 2 -- 4 -- 6 + 1 instead of a woman of the age of 36 + 3 + 3 + 1]

Actually, that was about right, folks. And, and, and, folks, notice how I'm not saying that was my first bathroom blow job! I mean, before Tessa and I broke up, yeah, that's right, we had bathroom sex all the time! And Tessa was there! On my phone screen, so.

[Applause from the crowd at the conclusion of the dance]

"Jed and Martha, Jed and Martha, that was your best dance ever! But I'm only scoring you 5 out of 7 because, Martha, you have to dump the orthopedic boots and get some real cowgirl boots! I have to hear the heel "thump" on your back heel kicks! But overall, good job."

[Applause from the crowd]

"Thank you, judge Carla and we'll take your advice to improve our next dance. Also, is your guest going to stick around for the fireworks tonight because he's the only hard peanut shell here and..."

"Next!"

[Applause from the crowd]

"And speaking of peanut shells, sweep the dance floor please!"

[Swish, swoosh, shoulder bumps her way onto the open bar stool next that man, Andrew]

"[Sniff, sniff, oh, sniff, sniff] alright, stud, you're doubled perfume scented, so what, I'm double jointed and triple jointed in some places!"

"I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm Andrew, a friend of Mrs. Clarke and..."

"I'm Marla, I'm old enough to be your mother and like most mothers in Middleton, I live with a limp dick, so?"

"Marla, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Well, being double jointed allows me to take it Game of Bones style in the center stall of the powder room and since you're a man, you need your Game of Bones pussy because that's what a man's bone is for, especially when your bone is hard, so?"

[Applause from the crowd after the next dance]

"Well, I'm blown away, Nancy and Hank! That was the dance of the night, but I'm also suggesting a visit to the bone doctor for you, Hank because OMG, your knees must be triple jointed! Tee he, triple jointed like Mrs. Marla Mathews! 7 out of 7! That was a 7 out of 7 dance to remember!"

[And the crowd goes wild over a triple jointed 7 out of 7, round of applause!]

"And one free pass point for anyone else who happens to be triple jointed!"

[Holds up a single finger towards the crowd]

[Folks, that man, Andrew, learned a few quickly because that was much less awkward to start]

Well, Marla basically dragged me by the arm, so, um, but I'll take it.

[Clothing hustling and bustling in the center stall of the powder room]

"Holy cowboy boots! That's your cock, Andrew? Can that be my cock?"

[Boink! Boing, flex, boing, throb, oozing already]

"Um, this is me and um, sure, um, for tonight, I guess, since, um, is this really happening, Mrs. Marla Mathews?"

Well, some questions are best answered without words then.

[Thump, slam, thump, slam, thump, slam, thump, thump, push, grind, push, thump, slam]

"(OMG, Marla has a live one!)"

"(Hush, Lydia, they will know that we're peeking through the crack in the stall door!)"

[Thump, slam, thump, slam, thump, slam, thump, thump, push, grind, push, thump, slam]

"(OMG, Marla is doing all the work!)"

"(Hush! Who cares, she's double jointed and she's still getting some!)"

I mean, I chipped in, folks. I mean, mostly because of that law that says an object will bounce back something or other towards the direction of the something or other and um, yeah, I chipped in.

And tee he, by the way, tee he, the condom machine was covered with dust!

[Clothing hustling and bustling in the center stall of the powder room the other way]

"(Flush the condom, baby, before it gets weird and you're offered cash for it)"

[Flush, damn it, the two other ladies scurry out of the powder room with $20's in their hands]

Well hells bells!

[Applause from the crowd after the conclusion of the next dance off]

"Well, well, well, look what dancing couple came out of shadows and represented! Mary, that was almost as X Rated as your daughter's leaked photos and if any of the old geezer cowboys in the audience, who still have a screwdriver that works, well boys, get busy and install a dancing pole because the Line Dance Club is now in competition with Hilda's Hideaway Strip Club!"

[Applause from the crowd. For 20 something Nancy Timbers' leaked photos]

"And Randall, Randall, Randall, I hope the other teams were paying attention because that's how you swing your partner round and round, Do-Si-Do style! Another 7 out of 7! The second 7 out of 7 for tonight!"

[And the applause continues because Mary really did make it almost X Rated!]

"And the last free pass of the night! At least until after intermission, ladies!"

[A couple of boos emit from the audience, like a lot of boos]

"So, Mrs. Clarke, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Hush, Andrew. I'm just making sue that your hormone needs are satisfied properly because OMG, Tessa has to go since you're almost 21! Also, to keep things at a tie, I know you want to have sex with me and I could entertain that back, but, ahem, the gamer mom rule clearly states that type of side activity has to wait for two years after the regular weekly game night subside. Well, except for that whore, Mrs. Oswald, but that woman is just a straight up whore, so?"

Tee he, I never gamed at the Oswald's, but I've heard a few things about that, tee he. Also, I've never gamed there because the wait list is more like a novel.

"[A bump out of the way] excuse me there, sonny whippersnapper, but this is man territory! Or let me show you how it's done for short!"

[Mrs. Clarke cringes and cradles her face in her hands while still sitting at the judges table]

"Listen, Judge Carla, I went ahead and bought me one of dem dare penis pumps and even though it, dang gum it, don't work, tee he, it looks like I can use the plastic tube thingy and barrow Millie's duct tape and make me the man of your dreams, Judge Carla! So, what say I swing around your place after the fireworks and we give things a go, huh, Judge Carla?"

Well then, folks, I guess that's the way it's done then, huh? LOL.

"[Mrs. Clarke reluctantly un-cradles her face from her hands] Melvin, what say you go out back by the fireworks and have you one of dem dare cigarettes and take your plastic limp dick sleeve with you!"

"[Elbows Andrew in the ribs] see there, whippersnapper, I got me Miss Carla talking about my privates because that's how it's done, whippersnapper! I can't wait to tell the boys! And have me one of dem dare cig-gees by the fireworks!"

Well, I always heard that having a cig-gee comes afterwards, but hey, that was before I knew how it was done, right?

"And this what I have to put up with here at the Line Dance Club, Andrew and why you and I will..."

[Boom! Melvin had his cig-gee out back by the baby missiles fireworks!]

"Well, that's one limp dicked old geezer down! Um, what were we talking about, Andrew, other than the next 2 years can't fly by fast enough because we're going to have sex and you're going to sex me up and then I'm going to sex you up and then we're going to do each other all up and OMG, the rules suck, Andrew! And I dream about sucking your dick, so what?"

Again, I only passed out momentarily.

"Oh, um, why can't you just stop by place then, huh, Mrs. Clarke because I like the idea of having three or four different kinds of sex with you, so?"

"[Again, she cradles her face in her hands momentarily] OMG, wouldn't the gossip club love that, Andrew, especially the leader of the "Disgruntled" club lives right across the street from you because the Disgruntled club feeds the gossip club!"

"Mrs. Wilkerson, she's in the Disgruntled ladies club? Well, that explains why she sits on her front porch in her rocking chair with a rifle."

"OMG, that old man hating bitty rocks in her chair with a shotgun across her lap?"

"Well, it's a spring-loaded BB rifle and the BB wouldn't even make it to the sidewalk, but yeah, that's how she rocks."

"I so need to suck your dick dead center in your front window, Andrew because..."

"[Squeak, squawk] that's the end of the intermission, folks, next up, the very flexible, Lucy and crazy legs Nathan, who make a crazy pair of dancers! Ka boom? No?"

[The MC is not funny]

[But it was funny how it only took a few seconds for the next swish, swooshing into the empty bar stool next to that man, Andrew]

"They say my boobs are hypnotizing and I'm Rita and you're Andrew, so?"