A few months after my divorce, I knew I wasn't ready to start dating, but a casual hookup could help relieve some of the post-divorce stress. It's not like I was getting a lot of action before we separated, but once our lawyers were done screwing me, I was living a life of forced celibacy. And then I found the online world.
I managed to get my profile set up, telling the cyber world I was a "recently divorced carpenter, looking for a good board to nail." I've been told I'm easy on the eyes - not Brad Pitt, but people don't cringe when they look at me. I work out regularly, especially since the divorce. There's something cathartic about taking out your frustrations on the free weights. My profile pics were just some shots of me and my pup because he is a total babe magnet and rarely leaves my side. If he ever bought a round of drinks, he'd be the ideal wingman.
So there I was Friday night, sitting on the couch eating pizza and drinking beer, checking out profiles of women near me. Lots of cute faces, great eyes, and sexy poses. At first, I was spending a fair bit of time on each profile, checking out their pics and reading their bio, and then swiping left to move to the next person. It didn't take me long to learn that most of the profiles were pretty much the same. Carefully crafted - sometimes shopped - photo and a pithy quote from an inspirational authority, but too often via Oprah. I started swiping left and right solely based on the initial profile pic. If this was a hookup app, I really didn't need to know much about them, anyway. If we matched, I'd learn more.
I played with the app for an hour or so, mostly swiping left but there were lots of potential connections, and I became pretty liberal about who I swiped right. I put the tablet down and took Jake out for his pre-bedtime walk. We were out for half an hour or so, as he checked his pee-mail and made sure the neighborhood was free of random cats, squirrels, and whatever else dogs see that we can't. When I got back to the house, I noticed there was a new notification on the tablet. Sure enough, the site had found me a match - three, in fact - so I grabbed another beer and sat down to learn more.
The first two matches were interesting. One was a 25-year-old single mom about 15 miles away. She was looking for some fun and wanted to know if I could bring over any "party favors." Pretty sure I knew what she wanted, and that wasn't my scene. The second was a bit more interesting, and a quick look at her profile told me she was still married but looking for some fun on the side. I really didn't want to be that guy, so I moved onto the third connection, Sarah.
Sarah was intriguing. An attractive blonde, maybe in her early forties, with a profile that said she was divorced and had a daughter in university. I said hello and she replied, and we chatted for a few hours. During the chat, she mentioned she had a door that sticks shut, and it was a bitch to open in the wet months. I told her I could take a look at it, and we made plans for the next day. She said she'd make me something to eat so I didn't think she was trying to get me over just to do something for free. We chatted a bit more and then realized it was late, so we signed off and went to bed. I was looking forward to meeting Sarah, to see where this would go.
Saturday afternoon I took Jake for his walk and loaded the truck up with a few tools I'd need to fix what was likely a warped door. I stopped at the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine, and ten minutes later I was knocking on her door. The goddess that opened the door took me by surprise and I stood there speechless for a moment until she said "Hi - you must be Pete. C'mon in - mom just went to the store for a minute. I'm Candice."
Candice was gorgeous. A cute little blonde with a button nose, deep blue eyes, and a glossy smile. She was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and she filled them both out remarkably well. As she bent to give Jake some attention, I could see an ample amount of cleavage, and it got both of our tails wagging. Before it got uncomfortable, I suggested I look at the door, and she brought me inside and led me to the room.
It was the bathroom door in Candice's bedroom that was sticking. I had a look, and it didn't seem to be warped, but it was probably installed when it was bone dry and the steam from the bathroom combined with the wetter weather this time of year that made it swell and stick in the jamb. Candice sat on the bed while I worked, and when I showed her that it now opened and shut smoothly, she clapped and complimented me on my handiness.
"So, I have a bit of a confession. My mom's not really at the store. She's in Mexico and has been since last Tuesday. My friend and I were trying to find her a good connection online, and we thought you were a really decent guy last night. We wanted to hook you both up but needed to know if you were right for her. You seem pretty chill, but there's still one thing we need to know."
I looked at her with a puzzled look on my face, and said "We?"
