My Life as a Video Pornographer

I'm lucky. I know I am. Only 26 with a thriving business, money in the bank, a steady income, and I love the work I do. I just looked back at the start of this journal, and I had it all wrong. I'm not getting out of the "sex business" at all! I'm so deep into it I'm not sure what I was even thinking writing that! But, at least I was partly right: I'm not getting any younger, and being in front of the camera is hard work, work I know people think I'm a natural at doing, but work I'm finding less and less fulfilling. At least, compared to the making of films. And, yeah, probably because I'm a natural at being in them, I might have a leg up on directing. But I've learned so much about how little I know, that I'm not ready to say how good I am at any of it.

Sure, put me in front of the camera and I know what makes boys hard, and now, what makes girls wet, but can I tell someone else how to do that? Do I have a range? Can I shift from one emotion to the other? No. I have a gift, a talent, but I don't know how I do any of it. I can show someone what I would do in a scene: spread my legs in just a certain way, stand in just a certain way, knowing, instinctually what the camera will see and what its effect will be. But I struggle in breaking those things down, in articulating them. Which, I learned in those last couple of years at University, is the difference between using my talents and building mastery.

So, what I really meant to write at the start of all this, is that I'm letting go of the things I'm

merely

talented in, but which depend on my body staying young, and working instead on building mastery on the things I can continue to make money at. No. That's not even quite right. I know I have a lot of talents when it comes to making films, and when it comes to building a business. I actually get sexually excited at both, and that is a huge gift! I feel myself cream at the thought of making money, of putting a project together, of moving actors around on stage. And when something doesn't turn me on, I know there's a problem with it.

I know it's going to get harder and harder for me to make boys hard and girls wet if I'm the one in front of the camera. At least, it feels harder for me. And maybe that's because my standards have increased with each project. Maybe it's because I see younger women, with perky breasts and firm thighs and bubble butts auditioning, and I realize they don't have to work at looking like that. I'm working a lot at making my body do what it used to do without any effort. So, yeah, I didn't mean I was getting out of the sex business, altogether, and yeah, I didn't mean like, today. But that day is coming, maybe this year maybe next, where my body isn't the thing that's going to make my films successful.

And that's exciting! Because, like I said, I get off on the business side. Even now, as I sit here writing, naked, Lei is kneeling between my open legs worshipping my cunt with her tongue and lips. I'm thinking about the next deal and I feel my liquid releasing into her mouth. I'm working through a contract in my head, and I need to squeeze her head between my thighs. I'm a freak that way. I knew it way back at Tim's house that first week: the power of making him hard, making him cum, came from a place deeper than my physical beauty or sex appeal. I've known that since the moment I chose to go into business school: the thought of being in those classes, my cunt wet from the words and the power of those words. I'm squeezing Lei's head just at the memory and the work I'm facing.

And that's another thing I got wrong at the beginning of this journal, and I'm ashamed of myself: I wrote that I was single, and while technically it's true, I'm struggling whether to cross those words out and put the right ones in. I

am

single, in the sense that I'm not married, but

single

doesn't mean I'm not in a committed relationship. And that's where things get a little confusing, even for me.

I'm not in

a

committed relationship. I'm in several, all starting with Lei, that amazing spring quarter. Our relationship has been the easiest and the longest lasting. (I'm reaching down to stroke her head, to push her face into my wet folds, listening to her mewling, trying to make me ejaculate into her mouth.). I don't know how I could have written those words at the start, and, even as she strokes me, making me squirm, I wonder if by saying I'm 'single,' I somehow have not fully committed to being with her.

Or, perhaps because she and I share our love with others, I don't have the right vocabulary. I know when we're not together, when she is off with Tony, or whoever her latest fling is, on some wild adventure, or Tim and I are doubling down on a project, I feel 'single' in some way. Tim. So much to say about him! And if not Tim, a new production assistant, working hard to gain my favor, ready to do my bidding in the hopes he, or more often, she, will advance her career. (Just last week when Shavon came on board to help finish up a quickie, and was taken aback when she walked into the studio to see everyone was naked: the crew, the talent, me. Even the safety officer. Yes. We employ a safety officer. And we invite everyone to be naked. It was a principle Lei and I adopted to reduce the bias toward objectification. I smiled seeing Shavon's embarrassment, and her look at me when I nodded by way of invitation. She was struggling to figure out what to do: strip right there? Look for a room? Stay dressed? I waved her over and explained the policy, letting her decide what made her least uncomfortable: being the only dressed person in the room (with its implied objectification) or adopting the costume of the group. She thanked me for giving her the choice, and within the hour had left her clothes in a neat pile on a chair. It wasn't long after, that she found herself in the office with Lei and me, discussing details, Lei taking her customary position kneeling between my legs, just as she's doing now, demonstrating her need, her submission, in front of a coworker who was there to discuss business. The effect on Shavon was obvious, her legs opening and closing unconsciously as her eyes flicked between the paperwork on the desk and Lei's mouth on my cunt.

"You're welcome to give her a break," I offered, noting she had been staring for more than a few heartbeats. "Lei. Sit back, kitten. I think Shavon wants to help." I looked back at the new assistant. "You do want to, right?"

She hesitated, no doubt wondering about the harassment clause she'd probably just read in her contract.

"Whether you kneel down here and suck my cunt, or continue to let my kitten do it is immaterial to your job. I get off no matter what. It's not going to impress me more one way or the other. Yes?" I noticed her shifting forward, as if she'd made a decision. "We just need to hear you ask, to hear you tell us you want to do it, so that there's no doubt of coercion or room for harassment." That, and Lei and I loved to hear them ask.

"Fuckkk

...

this

...

is some

...

shit you've got going on," she looked between our two faces, or maybe between my red, swollen lips, shining with Lei's spit and my own juices. "Seriously." She shook her head, but she wasn't making a beeline for the door. She was just trying to figure out whether it was going to happen today, or some other day. "Fuck it. Yeh. Jewel, I'd like to taste some of that, if I could

...

?"

Lei scooted back and took a chair, letting her face dry on its own (she knew better than to wipe anything off) waiting for Shavon to take her place.

"I think I understand what you want, Shavon, but we'll need it to be a bit more specific. You're welcome to ask again, but please tell us exactly what you want to do." I'm sure Lei is thinking my gushing right now is because of what she's doing, but that's only partially true. I long for that moment when someone decides to submit to me: in business or in bed.

Shavon looked at my face to make sure she'd heard me and took a breath. "Okay. I get it. This is one super-freaky place to work. Hmmm. Ms. Jewel, I'd like to kneel down between your legs and take that hot red box in my mouth to taste your sweet honey. May I service you?"

Lei giggled, her hand covering her mouth, her legs swinging open and closed, her eyes meeting mine with a smile.

I nodded and invited Shavon down, letting her munch on my

furburger

(the memory of Tim's litany of names had never left me), Lei, helping coach her, giving her tips on how to make me squirt in her mouth.

(I have so many fond memories of the past few years, but I'm afraid if I write those, I'll never finish capturing that final couple of years at University that launched this chapter of my life. Perhaps another time

...

?)

*-*-*-*

The

Ravishing of Loralei

took much longer than I had expected. Well into the summer quarter, the delays mostly due to the University and the oversight board. There is 'art,' and there is 'porn,' and somewhere in between, Lora and I figured, there is 'erotica.' The oversight board was only going to approve our work if it was 'art.' We realized pretty quickly (after we had started reviewing all the material) that we had to make a choice: create art or make money.

"Oh my god, Jewel," Lora was looking at the clips, her face blushing, her hand to her mouth. "That is so fucking

...

hot

...

" Her other hand, I noticed had begun playing with her pubic hair, her finger spending more time against the top of her slit as the scenes played out. "But

...

I don't think that will get past the board

...

?" She looked at me, her eyes dilated.

I don't recall the specific scene we were watching; there were several we had flagged with $ signs to indicate their commercial value, versus the ones we kept for my school project. The 'Director's Cut' version, which can still be found behind a few exclusive pay walls, has one scene in particular that we were proud of. It became a kind of signature that Sapphic Cinema Productions, our production company, continues to be recognized for. I go back to that version, over and over again, inviting Lei to watch it with me.

"Do you need help, kitten, or do you have it on your own?" I was prepping the lights and framing the shot when I had looked to see her struggling a little.

"No, Ms. J. I think I've got it."

I confirmed the behind-the-scenes camera was rolling and that it was capturing her efforts.

Lei was stripped naked, which, I recall, had become her usual state of dress whenever we were together, whether at her place or mine. In this case, we were in her living room, the furniture cleared away to create a miniature stage. It was probably late April, given we had shot most of the scenes in chronological order. This one would be near the end of Lei's acceptance of her submission.

On her knees, a 3/4 shot, the BTS camera capturing her attempts at putting in the gag. It was a new toy we'd tripped across on one of our visits to the store we liked to frequent. 'Like,' being relative.

I

liked to frequent it with Lei in tow, sometimes so pink from embarrassment she looked sunburn. The specifics of that trip are memorable, the toy was so novel: a gag with a penis extension in both directions. She stared at it from across the counter as I pointed it out to the sales clerk.

"How does that work, exactly?"

She took it down and pointed out its features. "We just got this in. It's pretty slick, actually. Or, maybe it'll make you pretty slick, right? They call it the double-dick gag. Two dildos, one shorter than the other, but otherwise it's completely reversible. If your sub," she looked at me, her eyes flicking to Lei and back, raising her eyebrows. I nodded, looking at Lei blush even deeper, her eyes dropping to the counter.

"Unnhh, nnnh, kitten. Pay attention to Doris. You'll need to understand how this will work."

She whimpered and looked at me, her head shaking slightly, before she scanned the store, as if we were going to run into anyone from school.

"If your sub is still training, they recommend starting with the shorter side

...

" She paused. "This company is all about its platform. You can buy each of these things separately, along with a bunch of other snap-in parts, but it's cheaper to get a starter kit like this one and then add on as you go." She waved vaguely to the display where she'd taken down the gag. All around it were similarly branded packages, many containing parts and pieces I couldn't begin to figure out.

"Can we try it?"

Doris nodded, pulling the gag out of the packaging, opening a disinfectant packet, and wiping it down before handing to me. "You'll want to let that evaporate for a few seconds. It's perfectly safe for internal use, but tastes nasty."

Lei was struggling to not tap out, her mouth pressing shut, her jaw working. I knew she was on the edge, ready to say her safe word. I leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Do this for me, kitten. I know you're uncomfortable, but you will get a treat when we get home if you do me this favor."

She mewled quietly, her fingers red and white from pressing into the glass countertop.

"That's a good kitten," I complimented her, as she opened her jaw to accept the gag. Staring into her eyes, I positioned the short end against her tongue, wrapping the straps around the back of her neck to tighten it against her. "Do you have a mirror?"

Doris pointed down the counter to a floor mounted full-length mirror. Lei was practically vibrating, the external dick waving back and forth.

"C'mon kitten," I gently turned her toward the mirror. "You should see what you look like."

Doris turned to help another customer as we walked away, Lei mumbling something almost unintelligible.

"Ohfahhhk, ewesss A

...

oooo

...

oooo.."

From her head motion, I got the gist: she wanted to make this stop. "You know what you need to do, kitten." She had a little tune she could sing for just these sorts of occasions. "Here. We're just here. Take a look at yourself."

Standing together in front of the mirror, I could feel myself creaming from the image: Lei, her mouth stuffed, a pink veined dick poking out, her nipples erect and her hands fluttering at her side. Her eyes were rounded, staring between her reflection and my face. I could see her tongue struggling behind her cheeks, trying to figure out how to swallow all the spit coming from the dick invading her mouth.

"Nod if you're getting wet, kitten." I waited, watching her close her eyes and try to calm her breathing. The dick flicked up and down, exaggerating the tiny motions from her head. "I love you, Lei. I love you so much."

Now, kneeling, the BTS camera recorded her first failed attempts at getting the gag properly seated. She nodded at me, her eyes watering. We'd gotten her to the point where she could take the longer dick in, its end teasing the top of her throat. I'd looked at the company's catalog, intending to get a couple of additional accessories, but for now, this was going to do fine.

I stopped what I was doing to watch her as she continued. We'd purchased a pair of self-bondage cuffs: each pair could be split apart, the single cuff attached to the desired limb, a clever attachment hardware automatically mating them with a single click. Lei started with her ankles, closing one cuff before twisting to the other side to attach the second. She adjusted them so the auto-locks were facing up. She was concentrating, making sure the cuffs would work, her face focused on the task. After closing each cuff's partner on her wrist, she looked back at me, kneeling straight up. The dick waved a little from her motion.

I nodded and watched as she leaned back, thrusting her pelvis forward, reaching one wrist cuff back to find its mate, jiggling around until it locked with a satisfying click. Groaning softly, she repeated the process on the other side. Her hands grasped her calves, her body bent back in a taut curve, her breasts pointing up at a 45 degree angle, the dick pointing straight up, her pussy open between her splayed legs.

"You're such a gymnast, kitten!" I finished my adjustments and started the cameras, hitting a clapboard before entering the scene.

We'd imagined Loralei's slow descent into submission, each scene pushing her further until this final release: becoming her mistress's fuck toy. Even now, as I'm writing this, with Lei's mouth against my lips I juice up; I smile at her moans. And again I smile even more at her thinking my arousal is only the result of her beautiful, sexy wet tongue. It definitely is from her sexy wet tongue, but the memory of her bent over in the shape of a capital 'D,' riding her mouth, that's what delivers more juice to her waiting lips. She moaned again.

I walked into the scene, a medium shot at Lei's kneeling eye level, the camera focused on the dick extending from her mouth. We'd lit her in a yellow spot, the rest of the room barely visible. The camera caught me moving, in the shadows, obviously naked, but virtually a silhouette. I was so proud of that shot: the light catching my toes and moving up my calves as I approached her. And then, just a few steps in, slowing, standing behind her, reaching over her, my fingers resting on her exposed pussy, lightly dancing on her clit, the light just illuminating my breasts, my face a pale yellow from the bounce.

She moaned, the dick waving.

"You're looking uncomfortable, kitten." My fingers spread her lips, letting my middle finger slide down her slit, its base pressing against her nubbin. She was hard. She moaned again, her body pressing against my finger, begging me to slip it into her.

"You need this, don't you Lei?" I tapped her clit, watching the dick nod up and down. Drool was spilling from her mouth, her eyes looking up at me, her neck straining to lift her head. "You want to cum, Lei? Do you?" She nodded furiously, her legs windmilling open and closed, trying to capture my finger. I laughed. "You're so cute, kitten. But you know the rules, right?" I pulled my finger across her clit, lifting it to my mouth to suck it clean. "Mmm

...

.you taste so good."

I lifted my leg over her waist, straddling her, slowly advancing until my thighs were just below her arms. "You know what you agreed to, kitten. Me first

...

then maybe you'll get a reward."

When we'd first thought of the scene, we weren't sure the proportions were going to work. Lora had suggested it over dinner one night.

"That would turn you on, would it? Being self-restrained and fucking me with a dildo down your throat?"

She blushed, looking down at her plate, nodding. "Yes. Ms. J."

"It's turning you on now, isn't it!?" I laughed, seeing her embarrassment. Her blush deepened, from the tops of her breasts up to her forehead. She nodded again. "Show me. How would it work?"

She only hesitated a moment before getting up and kneeling on the floor, reaching back to hold her ankles. A classic 'camel' pose in yoga. She was naked, as usual, but seeing her like this...I could feel my underwear getting wet.

I stood up and stripped off my clothes, walking to the top of her head, facing her feet. "Can you bend back any more?" She was staring up at me, her head butting against my pubic hair. She nodded and thrust her pelvis forward, bending her elbows. I straddled her head, her breath tickling my pubic hair. "Hold on a sec. Can you stay there or is it too much?" I stepped back and reached for my phone. "I have to catch this." I stopped for a second and reconsidered. "You won't choke, or drown, or whatever, right?"

"I'm fine, Ms. J

...

oh fuck

...

" She saw I had started recording and she closed her eyes.

"Nnn, nnn, kitten. Eyes open. Talk to me." I advanced until my pussy was on her forehead, her eyes and mouth just visible from beneath my breasts and pubic hair.