"I didn't recognize you from behind, not until you looked at me with those ice blue eyes. What did you mean when you said I was almost your wife?"
"The day I came home early and caught you and my 'BEST FUCKING FRIEND', it was to tell you that we were going to spend the weekend in San Antonio and I was going to propose that night after we got there."
Tears were forming in her eyes again. She finally looked up at me and said, "I'm so sorry, James. I never saw you until I heard the door slam. I had to beat David off of me and looked out the window to see you drive off. Nobody even knew where you were for a week after that. Not even your parents knew where you were. Where did you go?"
"It really doesn't matter now, does it? It was all hazy to me and I remember very little of that 9 days. The one thing I do remember very well is putting my pistol in my mouth a thousand times. I was drunk the whole time. I loved you so damned much, Darlene. A part of me died that day."
"I put a gun to my head several times myself. I even jumped from the top of a hotel once. Just as my feet were leaving the ledge a hand grabbed my belt and jerked me back to the rooftop. A judge forced me to spend some time in an institution after that.
"I knew you had to come back to the house. All of your clothes were there. Everything you owned was there. You had to come back. I took off work that whole week so I would be there when you came back. I even parked my car at Julia's house so you wouldn't think I was there. You never did.
"Your parents showed up one day with some of your friends. They took all your stuff and said that you were done. You never wanted to lay eyes on me again. They also said that if you ever saw David, you were going to kill him without saying a word to him. If I was with him you were going to kill me, too. A month later I came home from work to find an eviction notice on the door. That's when I really realized it was over. I had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life.
"Then your house went up for sale. A month later I posed as a buyer and saw that all the furniture was still there along with every picture of me, turned face down. The real estate agent said it all went with the house. She was instructed to tell buyers that it's not part of the price and it was theirs to do with as they wanted. Use it or get rid of it, the seller didn't want it any more.
"Will you at least let me explain?" she pleaded.
"Not about you and David, no. But explain to me about the circumstances you're in right now. Are you a hooker? What you said to me in there, of course you are. Why? Why are you doing this? You don't need to do this. You're still a very attractive woman, and you're smart, at least smart enough to survive without doing this. What happened to you? Is it drugs?"
"I'm not on drugs. You happened to me, James? You happened to me. I never forgave myself for what I did to you, to us. I knew you loved me, James, and I truly loved you with all my heart and soul. I started even questioning my sanity after that. I saw a shrink for almost a year and still have no answers as to why I did what I did. I've thought about it literally everyday since you left. The first thing I see every time I wake up is you driving off. The mini-blinds are even there. My hand holding them open. Even still to this very day. It wasn't worth it. I should have just let David tell you. No, I should have told you myself."
"Tell me what, Darlene? Tell me that you were in love with my best friend, tell me that you were fucking him? What could you have said to make me feel better about you fucking him? 'Oh, by the way, James, I'm fucking David. You don't mind do you?' Yeah, that would have put my mind at ease about it."
"James, please. That's not how it was, not even close. I never loved David. After it happened it was quite the opposite. I hated him, even before you caught us."
"Wow, you hated him but you were fucking him. That's rich, Darlene, really fucking rich."
"Will you let me explain, please?"
"Ok, shoot. Tell me the lies with all the strained facial expressions and tears that you've had thirty years to practice and perfect. Go ahead, start the show. Should I ask the manager to hit you with a spotlight? Maybe we could use a stage. I'm sure they have one here somewhere. Hey, I know, we could wait a few days, do some promotions and sell tickets. This should be a really great performance. Hollywood will be beating down your door."
"You've got every right to be cynical and I can't say I wouldn't be the same way if the roles were reversed. But, James, you should at least give me a chance to explain. I think you owe me that much."
"Owe you. I owe you?!" I queried. "I don't owe you a damned thing. Maybe you think you owe me your explanation, but you don't owe me anything either and on top of that, I don't want or need one. What I saw that day was explanation enough. You were fucking my best friend. That's all I need."
"Yes, I was fucking David, or rather he was fucking me. Don't you at least have a question lingering in your mind about why he betrayed your trust? Ok, why we betrayed your trust?"
"Not really. Just the fact that it was done is knowing enough."
"Don't you ever think about me at all? Ever wonder how it could have been? I certainly do, everyday as soon as I wake up."
"Yes, occasionally. Usually when somebody brings you into the conversation. I don't have contact with anyone that knew about you so it's been a good long while. When I say good, I mean it's good not to think about you. You are the only one I've ever loved, Darlene, and it still hurts a little to think about what you two stole from me. Yes, even after thirty years."
"I wish you had just killed both of us, at least beat the shit out of us. Maybe that would have tempered you down enough and we could have had those things."
"You just don't see it, do you. It would have never been the same, Darlene. It could never have been the same as it was before. The trust I had in you died that day. You murdered it just as if you put a gun to it's head and pulled the trigger. I can't believe you don't see that."
"I could have regained your trust, James. I know I could."
"No, Darlene, you could never have regained the trust. Not total trust. We would have been miserable. Me wondering if you were where you said you would be. Wondering if you were with David or even some other guy. It wouldn't and couldn't have ever been the same. Not ever."
"You're afraid you'll believe me, aren't you?"
"It doesn't matter if I would believe you or not. I'm not the same person and neither are you."
We were both silent for a few moments. She broke that silence, "I know where you live," she said and paused. My jaw dropped. "Just outside College Station. I know all about you, James. I know about your trucking company. I've even driven past a few times, but I never had the guts to stop. Not when you were there anyway. I actually saw you as you were leaving once and you left the gate open. I pulled in praying no one I knew was there. I looked around a bit. The only ones there were some guys putting in your pool.
"I started to leave you a note but decided against it. I go to College Station every now and then just hoping to get a glimpse of you. Sometimes I stay for days. You don't go to town much I guess. I've only seen you a couple times since then. I couldn't force myself to say anything to you as bad as I wanted to.
"I cashed out my 401K, my IRA and my savings account and spent every dime trying to find you. I never did. Then eight years later, I was in College Station and I saw you. I thought my heart was going to explode. I followed you but lost you before you went home but I had a license plate number. That's how I found you and I've kept track of you ever since as best I could. I still love you, James. I'm still in love with you. I could never find someone that was, well, you. I've searched. He's just not there."
"Wow. Wow. I can't believe you went through all that. I'm impressed, but I still do not want you in my life in any way. I'm sorry, but I won't allow it, I can't allow it."
"James, I'm going to start telling you what happened between me and David. You can stay and listen or you can walk away. I don't care which, but I hope you'll stay."
She just stared at me. I stared back.
