Mike and I have this nice little earner. We have this old furniture van, and I mean old, but it's mechanically good and it keeps on going. We're also mechanically good and quite capable of servicing it ourselves and as it's a bread-winner we keep it up to scratch. We do local deliveries for all the stores that sell larger items. It's just not cost effective for each shop to possess their own delivery van and we service the local community quite nicely.
On this particular day we had a relatively light load and had already knocked off most of it. Barring a late special delivery, for which we'd charge more, we would deliver this last item and be off for the rest of the day.
The last item was a king-size bed. Frame and mattress. We fronted up to the address, knocked and asked the lady where she wanted us to put it. Upstairs, she says, and don't forget to assemble it.
Upstairs is a pain and not really our job but I've found in cases like this it's faster to do as requested. Assembly was another thing entirely. We are supposed to be paid for assembly because of the work involved, and the store had stamped the invoice delivery only.
I apologised to the young lady. She was dogmatic. For such a pretty young lass she certainly knew what she wanted. She'd paid for delivery and assembly and that's what she was going to get. Fine by me, as long as I got paid. I rang the store and they confirmed delivery and assembly. I politely queried why we'd been paid delivery only.
There was a bit of to and fro and I agreed to assembly as soon as I received notification via text message or email. Getting money out of some people without supporting documentation is the sort of labour that would have defeated Hercules.
The email promptly arrived. Bastard had been trying it on, I was pretty sure. I mean, she'd paid for the assembly so it was our money, not his. He was just the collection agent.
Mike and I took the bed upstairs and the nightmare began. First we had to unpack the frame so she could examine it to make sure that it was the right bed and to make sure it wasn't scratched or faulty. Satisfied we were allowed to assemble it. Easy, right? Wrong.
She couldn't make up her mind where she wanted it. Could we hold the bedhead up over here? No. How about over here? No. While she dithered I got more irritable.
"Lady," I said, trying to be polite, "You can only have the bed against that wall or that wall. The en suite and walk-in robe preclude that wall. Against that wall you won't be able to pull the curtains or blinds. That leaves two walls. If you choose this wall it will fit but the bed will be crammed over to the side because of the door way. That leaves that wall, where you first tried it. May I suggest we get a move on and put it up against that wall?"
She conceded that I had a point and so Mike and I got to work. Assembly was reasonably easy for such a large object. Definitely a two-man job. We put the two side drawers next to it and tossed the mattress on. Whoever ordered the bed must have measured the room first. Bed and side drawers stretched right across the room. If there was a finger of space between the side drawers and the skirting board then it was a very narrow finger.
The young lady, turned out her name was Janet, was both excited and appalled. Excited because she finally had her new bed in place. Appalled because I don't think she'd realised what a large bed it was. Once I picked up one of the covers she had waiting on the dressing table and flipped it across the bed so she could see what it would look like made up the excitement won out. She was rapt in her new bed. She scrambled up onto it and sat bouncing in the middle of it, a huge smile on her face.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she cried. "It's wonderful. I can't wait to try it out properly."
Accuse me of having a one track mind if you will but I didn't think she was talking about sleeping in it. She bounced some more, getting a feeling for the springiness of the mattress.
"Well, if you really want to try it out, why wait?" I asked.
As soon as she looked at me I started undoing my belt. Boy, did her eyes open wide.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"Getting ready to help you test the bed," I explained, undoing my zip.
"You're kidding. With him here," she said, looking over at Mike who was also looking a little stunned.
I found that comment very interesting. Not a case of are you crazy and get out of here but a query about the audience.