Not the Woman She Used to Be

Uh, I just wanted to start by saying I'm totally new here, so I don't really know what I'm doing, but here goes.

Hi, my name is John, and I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess that's what it is. Gosh it sounds so harsh saying it, but it is, it really is.

Her name is Mel and she's amazing. We've been together ever since I was a teenager. Back then everything was great. We were always together, day and night. She couldn't get enough of me. In college, I would wake up in the middle of the night to see her sneaking into my room. We'd both giggle and try not to wake my roommate while we went at it. Back then, we would go at it for hours and hours on end.

After college she moved with me to the town where we live now. We got a little place together, and I went to work. I was working from home a lot of the time so we were always together. She relished every minute of it. I would wake up to the smell of her making pancakes and bacon for breakfast and every night after work I would make her dinner. God, that was the greatest time of my life. I felt so empowered with her by my side—like I could take on the world.

Then after a while, we started to drift. At first it wasn't that noticeable. We just didn't do as much together. There weren't any more late nights spent up together. I didn't wake to her smiling face trying to get me out of bed. She stopped cooking breakfast and eventually I stopped cooking dinner.

We just started to lead different lives, I guess. We didn't do anything together anymore. And then, it got to the point that she didn't want to do anything with me. That's when I realized something was wrong in the relationship. I tried to voice my concerns to her, but she just blew me off. She said I was just being paranoid. She told me everything was okay.

At first I tried to let myself believe her, or at worst I would just tell myself we were going through a rough patch. I ignored everything and told myself that we would come out of it. And, predictably, things just went downhill. Sometimes I would call her and she wouldn't even answer. And sometimes when I would ask her to help me out with something she would just say 'no'. She would always have a reason—she had a Dr.'s appointment, had to get her nails done-- but you could tell it was just an excuse.

And now it's gotten even worse. Now, it's a fight to get her to sit down with me for just five minutes. She's always making excuses, saying she has to go somewhere. Then when we do make a date to be together she stands me up. So I'm left there, just sitting and feeling like an idiot. I tried to tell her once how she was making me feel, but she just scoffed at me. She doesn't understand it. Without her I'm nothing.

I've tried everything to keep her. I've taken her on weekends away—just the two of us. I've stayed in the kitchen all afternoon making her favorite dinner, just like I used to do, only to have her come home and say she'd already eaten with her friends. I even went shopping with her on Black Friday, hoping that we might bond again. Instead I just got blisters. I've even tried to get her to see someone with me, but she refuses. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is working with her.

And lately, we've really hit rock bottom, I think. Within the past few months I've noticed some changes. Just little things that make me think... well that make me think that she's seeing someone else. And, I mean I guess I wouldn't mind it, really, it's just that she lies to me about it. It interferes with our time and then she tries to make it seem like she's not doing anything.

I don't know what to do any more. I guess that's why I'm here. I need help. I mean we've been together for so long... I just don't know if I can leave her. But more and more I think I might have to, to save my career and my marriage. She's just not the muse she used to be.