Old age can have a negative effect on most fellas. I've heard so many stories of men who've fallen victim to time's cold fingers, but somehow I've been able to retain my virility through many years of hard labor and long drives. Of course, my job...well, it's not so much a "job" as a labor of love, my work concerns keeping people happy. And when your priorities are so vague, you gotta be resourceful to remain vital. Some kids like toys, some like candy. But when people get older, what makes them happy can be hard to come by. Heck, sometimes what makes an adult happy can be strange, perverted, downright weird. But some grownups go through life fascinated by the same things that tickled their fancies when they were little tots. I'm speaking of those grownups who, to this day, still love toys and candy. Of course toys change, candy too...
I Have these lists, see, and they contain all of the names of all of the people on the planet. This list tells me what will make people happy, and whether they deserve happiness in the first place. Though this list is updated regularly and is damn accurate, sometimes it fails to uncover certain elements buried deep in the human psyche.
There was this young lady, I won't reveal her name, she was number 4,316 on my North America list, and she wanted a toy. Judging by the general shape and use of this toy, I had guessed the gal was a little lonely, maybe even homely, since she popped up on the "nice" list. In fact, she had been on the nice list so long that I decided to get her the best damn dil... er, uh, toy I could find. It just so happens that the "Black Tower" was readily available due to manufacturing overruns in the former Soviet Union. Well, I was about to enter the house of the aforementioned lady when I heard a soft sobbing coming from the living room below.
"Oh, boo hoo. Why can't I get myself a man? I've got these beautifully perky boobies, the juiciest pussy of all of my friends, and I'm so horny I could die," said the cute little voice down below.
Now I know the rules. I mean, I'm kind of like a cat burglar, only I leave things instead of taking them, and I'm not supposed to be seen by the occupants of the many homes I visit. But I must admit, that sobbing cut straight to my heart. And then there was that lump straining against the red velvet on my right thigh.
"Oh Santa, whatever you do, bring me something to satisfy me. Black Tower or no Black Tower. But... oh, Santa, I need a man so bad, so bad I feel like my belly is about to explode, it's so full of orgasmic potential."