ONE THING LEADS TO SEVERAL OTHERS
"Hello? Is that ......, James -- yes."
The carefully prepared speech has totally deserted me. I have not felt so gauche since I was a schoolgirl!
"Oh, me? I'm Jane. I've seen your website and I was wondering ...... Yes -- Jane Richie."
My face is hot and red. I can imagine myself turning blotchy as we speak.
"What can I do for you, Jane?"
He has a mellow voice, older than his declared age and he seems more patient than the average twenty-something boy.
"Yes -- I've seen your website and I was wondering if ......., oh Lord! I'm getting all tongue-tied!"
He has a warm, comfortable chuckle -- not laughing at me, I think, but trying hard to settle me down.
"No need to be embarrassed, Jane -- I'm shockproof. I'm guessing this is the first time you've contacted someone like me. You've seen my website and psyched yourself up to ring? Good -- so you know what I offer and so on. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself and what you are hoping for?"
I find myself telling him about Hugo.
"He was nearly twenty years older than me but he'd stayed fit. I've never been with another man but he was quite demanding and, I must admit, I enjoyed our love-life. I still miss him and I miss loving him. It's been over a year. I'd promised you to myself as a birthday treat. Then I thought 'who'd want to ......, you know, ......., with an old lady?' But you say on the site that you are happy to accommodate older clients?"
"Yes. Mature ladies are often so much more interesting than younger ones. But it sounds as if you have something more than a cup of tea and a cosy chat on your mind?"
"Mmmmm. I'll be fifty in six days. I told you -- Hugo wanted me all the time but he was quite ......, what's the term? Vanilla? And I just want someone nice to ...., you know ..."
'Fuck me' comes out all whispered and strangled and I blush scarlet again.
"There! I've said it! I don't think I have ever used that word before. Sorry. For thirty years I was happy to do whatever he wanted me to do. I cannot imagine anything I would have refused him but now I've mourned him I want to expand my horizons. I want to be selfish."
"So, Jane, what do you have in mind? Have you any preferences?"
"Oh -- I don't want you to ask me! I want you to make me -- thrill me, hurt me ..., a little, even. I want you to do all the things that I've never had done to me! I'm not totally naΓ―ve, James. Girls talk together about their experiences but ......., well, I saw a film. There was a big fuss about it on TV so I bought a copy. 50 Shades. It made me feel ....., you know. I want a little of her fear and pain and excitement but I'm also in agreement with her -- I want some emotional attachment too. Is that possible?"
"It can be. I like to like the ladies I visit and I have quite a few that I think of as friends. How long a session would you like and when will suit you? I'm actually available on your birthday."
"Oh, that would be perfect! I thought an overnight visit would be nice. I can take you to our local and show you off -- make my friends green with envy! Then back here for afters."
"Well, most ladies start with an hour or two before they go on to overnights. How would this be -- I'll come to you for about 7, go out for your birthday meal then spend some time together. If you've had enough by, say, eleven I'll leave and just charge for the four hours. Otherwise, I'm all yours until up to ten a.m. How would that be? I can give you an hour or two to decide if you want, but, once you've committed we have a contract. If you back out and I can't rebook then I will charge Β£200. I'll need your mobile number and your address."
I feel the hand of panic clenching at my tummy but he sounds so ...., attentive and considerate and ...., honest.
"No ......., no, I want to commit!"
"I'm glad, Jane. I will try to make your birthday really special."
I give my details and directions. Β£850 -- it better be good for that amount. But then, money is the only thing I've got plenty of. I go to the bank the next day, fluster when the teller asks me if the money is for something nice, blurt out 'birthday treat' and almost run out, blushing. I deduce that I am woefully inexperienced at arranging trysts! Things do not improve for the next few days -- I am a complete, bumbling idiot. But, the night before D Day I have a dream. I can only ascribe it to dreaming, even though it seems so solidly real.
"Now, what are you fretting about, Girlie?"
The same borders lilt, the same humorous edge that was never far from his voice. I can almost smell him and feel his heat.
"Oh Darling! I've really done it this time! I'm ......"
"Och, I know well! But it's me that's dead and you young and alive. You deserve a life, Janie. Just be careful and mind what you're getting into. Now, give me a smile and have a ......, a happy birthday!"
I must be awake -- or at least partly. I turn to where he would be sleeping and smile, though there are tears in my eyes that wet my pillow. I kiss my fingers and lay them on his pillow.
"Thank you, Darling. I love you!"
There is a great calm. I believe he would have said such a thing, and meant it. I awake peaceful and rested and my usual efficient self, field the messages of birthday wishes, Skype my children and grandchildren
"See you in two weeks, Nan! Happy birthday and big hugs!"
My seven-year-old grandson being reliably 'grown up'. My best friend comes around with flowers and a card.
"Happy Birthday, love! You seem much better today -- I've been worried!"
I give her a quizzical look and she nods sagely.
"Distracted -- not your usual organised self. I don't think you've heard a word I've said for at least three days!"
"Ah! Laura, these flowers are lovely. Thank you so much. Three days?"
She nods and waits for the explanation which is withheld.
I start getting ready at about 4.30, carefully depilating, cleansing, perfuming, choosing and discarding outfits. At least I have my underwear ready -- new and, I hope, decorously sexy. I take ages over my make-up, marvelling how it should take longer to apply less. I slip into my panties and bra, my white blouse and black skirt. I think I suit classic styles. The door bell chimes and my stomach lurches and falls like a stricken elevator! I head for the door on jelly legs. He is polite enough not to ring a second time and, when I open the door he is standing, smiling on the bottom step, handsome, in a boy-next-door sort of way. He looks me up and down and his smile widens to a boyish grin. I usher him in.
"I decided I liked you for your voice, Jane, but you didn't tell me that you are a beautiful mature lady! Look at you! Do you work out or play sport? Oh, here -- these are for you. Happy Birthday, Jane."
A dozen red roses! Obvious, but such a kind thought. I stand on tiptoe to give him a 'thank you' kiss and he returns it nicely -- not too urgent but definitely not 'business-like and in a 'that was nice -- perhaps there might be more' sort of way.
"Well, now we are even because you are far better looking than your photo makes you! Come through. Will you have a drink? Red? White?"
"A coffee if I may. I don't drink but I'm comfortable with others enjoying a glass or two."
I make him a coffee and fix myself a large G&T. When I fetch them in he is standing with a photo of Hugo in his hands.
"Are you ok talking about your husband, Jane? I'd like to know a bit more of your story. I almost feel as if I knew him. My father met him when he was a boy. At Murrayfield, that would have been. We used to go to watch rugby a lot. And, I have friends in the Borders who talk about him in hushed tones."
I find myself pouring out my innermost feelings. He is a listener. He nods and makes small, encouraging noises but he does not interrupt and his eyes never leave my face. His eyes mirror my story -- twinkling at the funny, happy things and sad at the small tragedies and the final, big one. There is a warm feeling coursing through me that has nothing to do with my still unfinished drink. I hand him the keys to Hugo's cherished car which he drives skilfully but with reverence. He listens throughout our meal and, if invited, answers my questions about his life. University, not married but with long term girlfriend, parents no longer alive, a few amusing but brief anecdotes then back to me. He looks at me, and speaks to me, almost, like the sexy man on the Cointreau advert and I feel like the beautiful girl by his side. WOW!
"Oh Lord! It's Laura- my best friend!"
He has just called for the bill.
"Then we must certainly make the most of the situation!" he whispers piratically.
He helps me into my coat, kisses my hand and steers me through the restaurant via her table. I stop as if surprised and introduce him.
"Laura! Hello. How lucky you are to be Jane's friend! I hope we will meet again with more time to speak."
I ignore the 'now I understand' look on Laura's face and allow myself to be whisked outside where I slap his arm in mock admonition.
"You are wicked! I'll be the talk of the village!" I giggle.
"Someone as beautiful as you should be the talk of the village!" he replies.
Heavens! I am being seduced by a boy! I make coffee and we sit together on the sofa. I slip off my shoes and tuck my legs under me.
"Are you always so gallant?" I ask, teasingly.