The sunshine that rested gently against the leather couch of my office signaled the halfway point of my day. April clearly intended to erase the pain and torture that January unleashed after an unrelenting November and December. Spring was in the air and my patients were clearly enjoying the season. I'd decided the previous summer that I'd give up the pace of the city that kept me awake 23 hours a day so that winter was an approval from above that I was headed in the right direction. And maybe I'd finally say yes to the not-so-subtle advances of my temptress spin-class instructor.
That winter's blanket of snow forced all of my couples to spend more time together and that made my job easier. As Erin and Jack gave me a goodbye hug, I wondered if they'd be okay without my counseling.
"We owe you so much," Erin tearfully exclaimed as she squeezed Jack's hand. "We don't want you to go, but I feel like you've taught us all that we needed to know about ourselves. We get each other now. We do."
That sentiment was repeated over and over that April. I was relieved that I could leave every relationship moving in a positive direction. My methods proved meaningful. My theories had been validated. And no couple had prospered more on that couch than my 2PM appointment, Tanya and Franklin.
Honestly I didn't have much hope for their relationship in the beginning. I wasn't taking any new patients after my wife's accident, but they simply wouldn't take no for an answer. They touched a nerve with my assistant Melissa and she booked them an introductory appointment without telling me. From the outside they appeared to be a perfectly happy, normal couple, but they were complete opposites from my vantage point. And they always fought about sex.
Tanya was the free spirit artist and Franklin was the bean-counting realist. Opposites attract but they have to understand their differences. Tanya and Franklin spent every minute of their relationship attempting to change themselves for each other. They had mastered this give and take so well that it took me 6 months to realize who they really were. Tanya was the manager at a bank and Franklin taught jazz piano at a prestigious university. Their previous counselors never realized who they really were because Tanya and Franklin were too busy being what the other wanted them to be.
Tanya was an imposing woman at 5'10". Though she was the warm-hearted and bubbly life of the party, I was not surprised that she found herself intimidating to most people. Especially men. She totally accepted her character and flaunted her stature with fashionable heels and skirts that demanded attention.
Franklin, on the other hand, had little idea that he would be considered intimidating by anyone. As a 6'1" health junky, professional athlete would be the first guess anyone would make against his chiseled physique. But once you learned that his body was the result of a battle with overeating as a youth, you could see that the book didn't match the cover.
My theories about relationships revolved around defining stereotypes and moving away from them until people understand what made them happy. Men are men and women are women. Until they're not. Complexities in relationships occur when men and women don't fit into neat stereotypes, outside expectations or simple biology. I landed on this simple premise when I realized that my same sex couples were used to figuring out 'who believed what' in the relationship. Every step of their relationship required negotiation with no default. With a man and a woman there are presumed beliefs that often go unspoken and thus unsettled.
This was clearly the case with Tanya and Franklin. Their problem was that they were living the mirror of what they actually wanted. Tanya was a meticulous bean-counter in real-life, but wanted the spontaneity and whimsy that she saw in Franklin's life. Franklin had very little guarantee that any day would ever be the same and longed for the consistency that Tanya appeared to be wrapped into at the bank.
So my fix started with a simple assignment. Tanya would plan every aspect about their dates for a month except for one detail: the restaurant. Tanya would consult with her husband on every aspect along the way as she made here decisions - from what they'd wear to how they'd get there. Tanya would offer up two possible restaurants and leave it at that. Franklin's only responsibility would be to choose which place and keep it as a surprise until they arrived.
"That's it," Tanya complained nervously. For over six months they complained primarily about their intimacy concerns and I had them planning date nights. "My husband just told you that he's jacking off to porn and ashamed to tell me and you want us to choose between Italian and Japanese!"
"I don't really like Japanese food," Jack sheepishly joked.
"Not the fucking point," Tanya bit back.
"Try it for a month," I quietly prescribed as I closed my notebook. "We'll check back in and see how it's going."
Fuming, Tanya grabbed her bag while Franklin followed her out of my office. Melissa recognized the tension as they passed through the office to the elevator. "Date night?" she asked already knowing the answer.
A month later, Tanya and Franklin returned.
"So what's up?" I eagerly questioned them once they settled onto the couch.
For forty-five minutes Tanya and Franklin described their dates along with their prescribed planning. Tanya was a force of nature with respect to organization as she left no detail unresolved. From what shoes Franklin wore to where they might sit in any given restaurant. They openly discussed their likes and dislikes until the day of the date. The surprise of the restaurant or concert or event would remain until they arrived. Of their nine planned dates, two had to be postponed because of some emergency or another. On one date Franklin gave away the surprise by asking too many questions about the chef at one restaurant. But in all, the assignment proved fruitful. As they spoke I kept an overly upbeat demeanor that probably confused them.
"Excellent!" I bounded after they completed their recap.
"We've had 9 really amazing date nights," Tanya opened, "but that's not really why we're here."
"Don't get us wrong," Franklin chimed in. "We definitely talked more and enjoyed being out, but that spark didn't translate at home. You know. In the bedroom."
"Interesting," I replied in confusion. "Tanya, did you enjoy planning every detail of your dates?"
"Not really, but I would do anything to make this work," Tanya answered. "Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal because I do it every day, all day at work."
"Was it a problem for you to not know where you'd ultimately end up?" I asked as I leaned into Tanya.
