Our Little Secret

I was going out of my mind. The sexual tension and need was about to overtake me and I had to do something about it. I used to be able to take care of my needs in other ways, to find substitutes that did an adequate job of tucking away the desire. Now, however, everything had changed and nothing was working anymore. He was all I could think about, all that I wanted and, most importantly, the one I needed. Since he was not currently mine, this was a bit of a problem.

Repeatedly I had turned it over in my brain, trying, furtively and futilely, to solve it in my usual ways and with my normal (ha) methods. Planning, controlling, over-thinking, analyzing and denying, somehow always ending up in the exact same place, nowhere. Nowhere, that is, except lovestruck and lonely, desperately wishing a solution would just happen, magically or otherwise. I supposed it was time to possibly consider a solution that involved me taking action but I still managed to put that to the back of my brain. There had to be a better way, right?

I had never been good at making decisions. Deciding what kind of shampoo to buy was like a thirty minute ordeal, me standing in the hair care aisle at Target, picking up and examining dozens and dozens of bottles until eventually going back to the first one I had considered. I guess you could say that I just didn't want to make the wrong choice, but really I think I just didn't want to have to choose. Not that I would trust anyone else to make the choices for me. I was such a contradiction of control and pure lazy equivocation, I feared it would, inevitably, be my undoing.

It had appeared that I had finally found a situation that I could not think my way out of. Avoidance was not going to work, because he had a way of captivating me to the point where I was unable to walk away from him. I could not just leave him and never know what might have been. Not to mention that our bodies and minds were so attracted to each other that the pull and magnetism between us did not allow for very much separation.

When I was around him I was so nervously calm and happy in a way that made me never want to leave his side. When I wasn't around him I vacillated between persistently thinking about him and wistfully missing him. Unless I was mad (or jealous, ugh). Then I was miserable and edgy with any and everything else in my life. It had occurred to me, on more than one occasion, that I was desperately in love with him. Which highly complicated my life.

The complications were threefold. 1) I was married 2) He was engaged 3) I had never told him how I felt. The ways he made my life better were countless but the three most important were 1) He made me happy 2) He was ridiculously good looking and 3) No one turned me on like he did. The good definitely outweighed the bad, but, unfortunately, the complications were pretty damn convoluted and seemed insurmountable at times, leaving me feel even more than like the masochist I was.

The options were not ideal. Divorce. Affair. Continued longing. Not to mention the damn dreaded inevitable conversation that could make or break everything. I didn't even know where to start. "Hi, Nathan, how are you. That's great! Oh and by the way I'm in love with you..." I cringed and did a mental Facepalm. I wondered how he would react to such a scenario, rejection was, obviously, not something I relished or would enjoy in any way. The destruction of a very carefully built fantasy would hurt, but not knowing at this point would hurt more, constantly carrying around the thoughts that threatened to drown me was not helping me out.

A sudden realization struck me and suddenly I knew exactly what I wanted. I just had to see if I could get him on board. All of the heart wrenching emotion and things I had put myself through had finally lit up the light bulb in my mind. I was tired of being passive but also had to be careful to not overstep my bounds.

***

As I watched him from across the room, the butterflies slowly started up and I felt myself get the tiny twinge of nerves that being in his vicinity always gave me. It was unnerving, to say the least, to feel so close to and comfortable with someone but yet be so affected by him. Part of me wished I could just be around him easily, the way everyone else seemed to be, but I also kind of enjoyed the awkward tension, it served to remind me that we had something special.

I swallowed nervously as my heart started to race and tried to appear normal as he looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and waved. I liked to think that I had a similar effect on him and had spent countless hours studying his behavior to see if he really was as into me as I was to him. Despite the evidence he may have been, I was still not convinced.

I was basically an overly analytical mess when it came to, well, life, and that tended to cloud my judgment. As he came near me, lyrics to a Taylor Swift song started playing in my head and I pretended to be as chill as possible Which meant staring at my phone and pretending not to notice him. God I was pathetic, but he was so attractive and did funny things to my mind and my body. If I didn't distract myself I'd end up staring at him like a damn fool and muttering nonsensically.

"Hey Jess..." he said and I looked up from my phone and into his golden brown eyes and smiled. Being near him abated most of the nervousness, but knowing that I had decided what I needed to do had started something new inside me. He looked so hot in those dark jeans and red t-shirt that showed just enough of his body to leave me wanting, no, needing to see more.

Everything he did was arousing to me, even the small innocuous things he did, (like breathing and walking) turned me on. I suddenly envisioned him pushing me into a corner and kissing me passionately as his hands reached under my shirt and fondled my breasts. Fuck.

I shook free the thought and tried to go back to nonchalance, but I suddenly felt warmer. I reached up and stroked my neck as I returned his greeting and smile. "Hey Nathan, how are you?" I said, as I looked at his lean, fit body and imagined it pressed up against mine. I loved the way his name rolled off my tongue, I longed to scream it as he did countless dirty things to my body.

"I'm good, just working," he said as his eyes trailed down my face to, ever so briefly, gaze at my cleavage which I had, of course, purposely exposed. He was so polite and well mannered that it was super stimulating to see him veer from that even subtly. It gave me hope that he did, in fact, desire me as thoroughly as I desired him.

"Okay, I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to get some coffee later. You know when you're off...if you have time," the words rushed out before I could stop them and now I felt vulnerable and worried as I first looked down and then up and into his eyes. He seemed a bit shocked and blinked a few times, his mind comprehending the words and possibly searching for the right ones to say back to me.

"Umm yeah, I think I can make that work, I just need to...can I text you later and let you know for sure?" My heart sank a little but I reminded myself that he hadn't said no, just not exactly yes, I should try and hope for the best.

"Sure, that's fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something..." I wanted to make it known so that it would be harder for me to change my mind if and when he did meet and also so that he didn't think it was just a casual thing. As i said this, my tongue came out of my mouth to lick my lips and I saw his eyes watch it. I kinda wanted him to take me now, but first things first.

"I will let you know...but I gotta get back to work," he said, looking over his shoulder and then back at me, a sweet smile on his lips as we said goodbye.

*****

To say I was nervous did not even cover it. Luckily, I was also determined to do what I wanted to do. Nathan had agreed to meet me at 7:00pm, we wouldn't have a ton of time, but it was hopefully more than enough.

I was wearing a pair of jeans, tight in the right places, and a light blue v-necked top that was low cut enough to show off my assets but not enough to look overly slutty. My thick wavy red hair was loose was well tamed and I had even put on a bit of makeup, a red lip and mascara.

I felt a bit displaced, out of sorts, my thoughts all over the place, doubts creeping in as I told myself what I wanted to say. I sipped my iced coffee and played a game on my phone to distract myself and didn't initially notice he was sitting across from me until he said my name. I looked up and saw him, my eyes lit up and they met with his.

"Hi Nathan!" I said, a little more exuberantly than I had planned, but I honestly didn't care. Looking at him, I really didn't even feel nervous, just...ready. Regardless of the outcome or of what he might say. "How are you?" I asked, taking a drink of my coffee and sitting back in my chair as I watched his eyes come to rest on my breasts for more than a beat or two.

"I am good. You?" He asked, as my own eyes trailed to his chest and and arms, the sexual attraction already starting to overtake us. There was something about being near him that felt so electric, it set my body abuzz and gave me more confidence to say what was on my mind.

"I am great, Nathan, at least now that you're here," Jesus, that was slick, I thought, watching the smile grow on his thick pink lips and wanting to kiss them. He laughed and blushed, I was normally not so obviously flirtatious with him, but I wanted everything else to go out the window so we could start anew.

"So, Jessica, what did you want to talk about?" He said after a just a few minutes of smalltalk. Not that he didn't know, or at least have some semblance of an idea of what I wanted, of course he did, but I knew he wanted to hear me say it. Damn sexual politics.

This was it, I summoned all the courage I had in my mind and just started talking. "Well, I was thinking about you and me and how much I like you...and I know our situations aren't ideal, but I just think we should try to figure out a way to...make each other happy," I said quickly, hoping the words made sense the way they did in my head. His intense comprehending stare told me he definitely understood what I was saying.

He shifted in his seat and stared off over my head, "Jess...you like me?" he questioned, bringing his beautiful eyes back to rest on mine, a smile playing in them and on his lips. I felt surprised by the question, of course I liked him, I more than liked him, he knew that. He was stalling, trying to figure out if I was really asking him what I was asking him, while gaining the assurance he needed at the same time.

"Yes, Nathan, I like you! You're amazing, and I know we're not exactly able to be together the way we might want to, but I think we could figure something out, you know, secretly, if you want to..." I finished, meeting his eyes as I finished, feeling very certain this could work.

"I mean who knows what the future holds and what might happen but right now I feel like we have an opportunity to provide for one another what we're not getting at home, without disrupting our lives," I rushed on with my thoughts while he still seemed to be processing what I was saying, tying so many things together in his mind, I imagined.

"So...Jess...let me get this straight. You want to have an affair? With me?" He sipped his own coffee after saying the words and seemed perplexed, but not put off. This was something he never thought he would want, or would do, but was considering it now. I knew I was asking him for a lot. His character, his reputation and his morals were all things he held in the highest of regards and I had no desire to exploit that. It would have to be a secret.

"Yes, Nathan. A top secret affair, stolen time together just for us. We both know how to keep secrets and we both want each other, so..." A million other things popped into my head to say, but I didn't want to say too much. I would not force my will upon him and expect him to act the way I wanted.

"Wow. That's a lot to think about, Jess. I'm definitely intrigued, but I have to think," He glanced at his phone and absentmindedly started to get up from his chair. I followed suit, a bit concerned I had crossed a line.

We walked out of the coffee shop and into the parking lot. He had parked next to me and we walked in silence to our cars. I felt his thoughts, knew he wanted to say something but was hesitating. I felt excited and nervous, wasn't sure which way to lean.

He cleared it up for me just as I was about to get into my car, when he grabbed my hand and kissed me for the first time. A smooth, gentle kiss that I eagerly returned, over the moon elated.

His hand released mine and bravely grazed my breasts through my shirt as the kiss got longer and the heat started to rise. One of my hands moved to the back of his neck, running through his hair and other rested on his back, lightly gripping him, loving how great he felt close to me.

Then it was over, he pulled he pulled back slightly and looked at me. His mouth was smeared with my lipstick and he looked adorable in the dark, sheepishly grinning at me, both of us unsure what to do next. As much as I wanted him, then and there, I knew this was a good start.

I wiped the lipstick from his mouth and kissed him lightly on the cheek to avoid smearing more. "I think we need to find a way to communicate that only we know about. So we can discuss this some more..." I said, turning to get into my car.

"Okay, we'll figure something out. Thanks, Jess..." He said, and I turned back around to hug him, a real hug, the way I had wanted to hug him for so long. It felt so good, the way he hugged me back and pulled me closer, and even though I didn't want to let go, I knew he wasn't going anywhere. His place in my heart (and hopefully my life) was likely forever.

****

I drove home slowly, the taste of his mouth still on my tongue, and my mind overloaded with thoughts. Was this really what I wanted? I mean I wanted him, yes, that was undoubtable. Would I be able to put all of my jealousy and insecurities aside to maintain a state of happiness? I had ways of letting small, often inconsequential things, stick in my head and affect the way I was feeling.

I wondered about him, what he was thinking, feeling, wondering, and how he felt about me and what I had just suggested. Would be actually want to go through with it? Was he worried I saw him just as a distraction from my "regular" life? I should have told him that, that I did not.

If it were up to me and in a perfect world, I would not be married and he certainly would not be getting married. I just didn't think it was up to me make that decision, obviously. And as far as my marriage, I knew it was going to end, at some point, but it felt like such a fucking cliche to say that.

When I thought about Nathan though...he was the light in my life. The one thing that always gave me hope, even when it was breaking my heart. The crazy juxtaposition of feelings that I had for him always settled back into love of the most pure and unadulterated form. And as much I cared for him and loved being around him, I knew we had only begun to scratch the surface of the depth of the connection we had between us.

Every single time I had thought we had his a roadblock and could go no further, we found another direction, another level of connection that brought us back to each other. It was time to stop fighting it, to just give into it and let it happen. To feel his naked body up against mine, to feel his heartbeat against mine, to be able to show him physically the way I was feeling emotionally. How happy he made me. How much I desired to have his cock inside of me.

I was squirming in my seat, my pussy flooding with desire, I had to pull over somewhere and get myself off before I got home. I pulled into a dark parking lot that was nearly deserted and found an empty space. My back was arching and I was so so wet and needy that I knew it wouldn't take me long. I imagined Nathan pulling my shirt off and my bra down, teasing my nipples with his fingers, then sucking on them, hard, as I moaned, begged him softly and ran my fingers through his hair.

I undid my jeans and slid my hand down into them, wishing it was him and found my pussy nearly soaked with desire. In my mind he was sliding down in between my legs and kissing my inner thighs, making me wait, taking his time spreading them and sliding my black thong aside as I squirmed and panted and sighed his name softly. He finally relented, snaked his tongue out to flick my hardening clit and I cried out in pleasure.

My fingers were rubbing his head and his neck as he slowly started licking my extremely wet pussy and my moans of his name were getting louder and louder. He kept one hand on my nipple, gently pulling and rubbing it as he started to focus on my clit, licking all around it and hitting every small nerve and making me lose my fucking mind as I got closer and closer to exploding. I just felt so good, better than I could have ever imagined, him, here, with me, like this.

When he stopped, briefly, our eyes met and the mutual lust and love between us heightened the strength and intimacy of the moment. He put his hand between my legs and slowly slid two fingers up inside of me as he watched my face contort and my eyes squeeze close as I felt his fingers hit my gspot. When he resumed licking my clit I knew I was done for. I was repeating "Ohmygod ohmygod Nathan OHMYGOD!!" and moaning as I reached the point of no return and cried out one long wail of pleasure when i started cumming all over his face as he eagerly continued lapping at my clit and fucking my pussy with his fingers.

My body was convulsing and shaking and I was in a white light place of ultimate pleasure. My hands were lightly pulling on his hair as I came down. He stopped and looked up at me again, a satisfied smile on his lips as he wiped his face with his hand. When I stopped moving and opened my eyes I was again alone, satisfied and sad at the same time. I was so much in need of something more than getting myself off to thinking about him.

I found my phone and sent a simple text to him, "This needs to happen!!" before starting my car and heading home.

*****

This was it, the day that I had been waiting for longer than I could remember. We had been communicating with secret texts and emails, telling each other all the things we wanted to do to each other. Finally I could tell him the things I wanted to tell him and hear from him the things I needed as well.

We were borrowing the apartment of a friend who was out of town. She had no idea what I was using it for, but had given me free reign. I figured it made more sense and was a hell of a lot more cost effective than using a hotel that could ultimately create red flags and be our demise. We would have to get creative in order to create the long term situation we both desired. This was the perfect start, we had several hours, plenty of space and I wanted to use our time as efficiently as possible.

As ready as I was, I was still overcome with nervous thoughts of how it would be. For me, the build tended to be far more stressful than the actual events. I didn't want to lay out in my mind the way I wanted it go to, to create unattainable expectations, I just wanted to let go and enjoy it. It was Nathan, afterall, my friend, my best friend, and I knew that it was going to be okay.

I had lit a few candles and checked my appearance a few million times when finally the heart-stopping knock on the door came. I trepidatiously walked to the door to let him in, smiling when I saw him. He was holding a single purple rose, my favorite color, and I eagerly took it, my smile widening at his thoughtfulness.