The night is dragging on toward morning and I've gotten no where, sitting here swilling gin and tonics till I'm about to fall off the barstool. And I'm not that fond of gin, but it seems to be the least offensive so I keep sucking them down. Now, my reason for sitting here is not to drink this swill, but to pick up a woman. Right, I simply want to get laid, but they seem to have heard all the pick up lines in the universe and I can't think of any new ones. I try, damn how I try and it gets me no where. Some times I get a laugh but I suspect they're laughing at me.
So that ended that, no more bars, I can't get a chick, I can't get laid, and I only get drunk and hung over in the morning. I've known about finding women over the computer but I've never known it to happen to anyone I know, but I figured what the hell, what do I have to lose?
Turns out I had a lot to lose, mostly time and ego. I found this one site that I'd heard a lot about so I got into it and started. Lots of women, beautiful women, old women, young women, and even fat women. I spent the first night of my campaign just looking, trying to see what the chances are of picking up one of these babes.
My criteria is fairly simple, I want her close to my age, able to hold a conversation, and hight/weight proportional, they abbreviate HWP, they have tons of abbreviations which can make you crazy, but don't give up, there's honey at the end of the tunnel, and I'd rather she didn't smoke. Drinking is okay as long as she's not going to drink me into the poor house on the first date.
Speaking of dates, some of the women who advertise actually want to go on a date first. I don't have a problem with that, but when the headline of their ad says "I'M HORNEY AND I WANT GET LAID," seems to be somewhat contradictory. Okay, let it pass, here's my point, I just want to get laid too, and if that can happen without all the fuss of a date then I'm all for it. When I get ready to get married then I'll deal with the dating thing.
Two days later I answered my first ad. I sent her a photo of my mug, one of my cock, and spoke at length of what I'd do with her (she asked for that) and hit the send key and waited for an answer.
She said you didn't read the ad very well or you can't follow instructions, "I asked you what size your cock is, I was specific in my ad, I want ten inches. Now don't bother me again."
I wrote her back, "I did see the part about the ten inches, and put it at the bottom of the picture, nine and three quarters inches. How can a quarter of an inch make a difference?" And I hit the send key.
She apparently wasn't getting much action because my email no sooner left the box that she sent back. "What the hell are you talking about? A quarter of an inch can make a world of difference! I've had ten inches and I've had nine and three quarters and I can tell the difference. With ten inches I have such a screaming orgasm you can hear me for blocks, but at nine and three quarters it barely wakes me up. Well, actually once at that length I did yell loud enough to wake up the cat under the bed. But no, your little dick just won't do it."
By now it's getting late, it doesn't look like I'm going to find a woman who will want to come out or have me over and I'm so horney I can hardly see straight. The choice now is coming right down to the wire. While I don't mind jerking off, actually I rather enjoy it, but when you've got a cock that's nine and three quarters inches you pretty much have to use both hands and it's so long it can take a week to get off. But that part's pretty cool because you can shoot loads of cum all the way to the ceiling. My father came over one day and asked about the stains on the ceiling. I muttered something about leaks from the upstairs apartments. He's in construction and volunteered to come over with his crew and fix the place up. I said the leaks had been fixed a few months ago and the stains really didn't bother me all that much, besides, the landlord said he was going to paint the place pretty soon. My dad can't stand things out of order and he left, said he'd be back after the place had a new coat of paint.
Time went on, I didn't get the new coat of paint nor did I get laid. I decided to give it one more shot, the computer that is. I put up the ad and waited, banging around the internet looking for some really cool porn. After a couple hours I didn't find anything to get stirred up about and there was no response from my ad. I decided the hell with it and sprawled on the sofa and put my mind in pussy mode and slowly began stroking my cock. It was beginning to feel really good and it started to grow and I was liking that and soon it had blossomed to the full nine and three quarters inches and it was hard, wonderfully hard, the kind of hard that sends women through the roof. It wasn't long before I had a up a full head of steam and was pounding the shit out of my throbbing hard on when suddenly the computer dinged letting me know I had email. I figured I could blow a load in less than five minutes and that the email could wait that long. It didn't take five minutes, I was breathing and everything started to pull up tight and then I was shooting a wad of cum straight into the air and of course, the first launch hit the ceiling, the second came close and on re-entry landed in the middle of my chest, the third made a gently arch and hit me between the eyes. I loved this stiff! Four or five more shots landed on my chest and tummy and for a grand finale I pumped out a lot that just flowed over my and and down my cock to coat my balls and run down my ass. I wash bedding a lot.
I wiped my hands and cock, belly, chest and face with a towel that just happened to be handy and went to see what the email was about. Ah! An answer to my ad. One Peggy S. Who sent a absolutely lovely picture of her body, face included and a close up of the most beautiful pussy I've ever seen. She wrote a nice paragraph about who she is, what she's interested in, and that she is so fucking horney that at the moment she is fucking a cucumber and wants to know how soon my nine and three quarters inches will be available. And will they travel to her place or will she come to mine? I emailed her to jump in her car sans clothes and come on over.
