Part autobiographical and part fantasy. Can you tell which is which?
So, I'm 22, it's early summer and I'm just out of UCLA with an undergraduate degree in macroeconomics- the study of the large-scale economy. I'm positively bristling with knowledge of inflation, price levels, rate of economic growth, gross domestic product, and unemployment.
I'm sure to land a lucrative job any day now, and yet the thing I think about more than anything else is women.
They are everywhere. Most of them are available or can be made available. My Johnson swings my body North, South, East and West like a weathervane on an old barn.
It's funny but my mom was the one who gave me the best advice on picking up women. She told me that girls mostly want to have fun, want to be taken seriously, want you to be honest with them, and want to feel that you think they're pretty. Eye contact and a steady voice are the two most important things when asking a woman out on a date. You don't have to have a shiny new BMW, sporting a Rolex or be wearing Italian shoes- just be a confident version of yourself. Oh, and don't get down if they say no- it's their loss.
Pretty good, eh?
I couldn't wait to try it out.
For the past year, I'd been working at a local restaurant called Ginny Jones. The food was great- really fresh- and we had the biggest salad bar in the area. Management hired clean, athletic young people- probably would be illegal to do that these days- but the girls (young women) were a major distraction for me.
Since I'd been so busy at school, I'd had a lot of first and second dates, but not much more. I got a bit of a reputation, and it always got a little awkward after it became obvious that I couldn't spend the time with them they needed. Now that I was a graduate, I was hoping that could change.
One Tuesday evening, isn't that funny how we remember stupid little details like that, there was a fresh face wearing the green apron that was our uniform. She had a huge smile with crinkles at the sides of her eyes and Henna red hair. Her face was an explosion of freckles. I was smitten- yet again. The manager introduced her to the rest of the crew as Helen. I did my best to hold eye contact, but she kept looking away after a second. "Oh well, we've got plenty of time," I thought.
We had a surprisingly good night, and I was assigned to break down the salad bar and show Helen how it was done. She laughed easily and pulled her weight in the work.
At the end of the shift, I said good night and got a solid 3-seconds of eye contact before she turned to her car- a 1975 era Volkswagen Beetle- a bright yellow convertible with white rag top and interior. That was a sweet car for the time and showed that her family was doing alright financially. There I go again- economics...
I worked the next Friday, but she wasn't. The head cook, Rocky, called me aside, "That Helen gal is straight up cute. I saw you checkin' her out. You should go for that."
"You know me, I probably will but I'll give her a chance to settle in a bit." He kept looking up at me with a knowing smile all evening.
On the following night, we got slammed. People were waiting 45 minutes for a table, and we turned them as fast as we could get them cleared. Helen got a little flustered and asked me for help when she needed it. "Chris, could you get another iced tea for table 7?", "Could you help me carry this order to 8?", "Could you grab that deuce?", and "Thank you so much," as we passed each other.
We even had four tables of people come in in the last 5 minutes before closing- always a waiter's favorite. Helen and I worked all four together to let the other waiters start their closing side work so they could leave on time. By the time the last check was paid, we were a sweaty mess and the salad bar looked like it had been ravaged by wild pigs.
It was obvious that we'd be there for at least an hour closing so we rolled up our sleeves and got to it. "So where do you live?" I asked to get the conversation rolling.
"I live with my folks in Northridge, out near the University, off Parthenia."
"So, what, about a 25-minute drive."
"Yeah, I shoulda taken a job somewhere closer, but I came here with a friend and liked it a lot. My brother just bought the Good Earth restaurant over in North Hollywood. It's kinda like this. I like the food, but I couldn't work for him," she said, making a face.
"I love your car. Looks like so much fun. Is that why you keep your hair short?"
"You think my hair's too short?" she asked with concern. "Just had it done last week."
"No, it looks great. It's a good cut. Really easy to take care of, and that Henna, it is Henna right? is really cute on you." Thanks mom. I worked that in, and she now knew that I thought she was cute.
"The VeeDub is fun, but what about your car- it looks sooo cool." She was referring to my light yellow 1961 Triumph TR3 (an English MG kind of thing), which, of course, was a convertible too.
"Old cars are a pain in the ass, but when it's running good it is a hoot. I've never had a young woman refuse to take a ride with me."
"Hmmmm, maybe I should be careful."
Rocky walked by and said, "Goodnight you two," with a smirk in my direction. He wasn't very subtle and I'm fairly sure she saw it.
"Have you counted your tips?"
"No, but I had about $60 before those last tables. That was a lot of work."
We finished the salad bar and filled our salt and pepper shakers and sugar jars, and condensed the ketchup bottles.
"I made $74. I feel like I earned it."
"I made $76 but I should probably give you half of it for all your help tonight."
"Good shift," I said, as the manager walked to the front to inspect the salad bar.
"Good job tonight you two. That was nearly a record day. Helen, welcome to Ginny Jones," he said with a flourish.
As we headed out toward the parking lot, Helen asked, "Neither of us work tomorrow. Do you want to come to my house tomorrow for a BBQ? We've got a pool and it's supposed to be like 90 degrees."
I immediately noticed that her speech cadence was different. She spoke a little faster than normal and kinda ran her words together. I got the idea that she'd been practicing.
Her invitation sounded worth it just for the pool and BBQ part, and the Helen part made it a winner. "Absolutely, I would have probably gone to the beach to kayak by myself but your offer sounds better."
She looked up into my eyes and held contact for just over 3 seconds before saying, "Okay," and smiled. She scribbled down the address. Handing it to me, she added "about 3 o'clock?" and we said goodnight. I hadn't even had to ask her out.
The next day, I was a few minutes late. Navigating unfamiliar parts of town used to be much more difficult. Everybody had a copy of the bestselling book The Thomas Guide in their car. This was a comprehensive map of a region that made it easy to find where you were going. It really was an amazing accomplishment for its day, but it didn't guide you like GPS does today. I'd also stopped to pick up a 6-pack of Coronas and a big bag of Fritos.
Helen met me at the front door as if she had seen me arrive. She was wearing a black and white kimono kind of thing over her swimsuit. Her legs were exposed, and she wore white flip-flops. Going inside, I saw an attractive middle-aged woman in a floral sundress walk out of the kitchen. "Mom, this is Chris from work."
"I know dear, you explained. Genuinely nice to meet you, Chris. Thanks for bringing the beer. Would you like one?"
"Not right now, Mrs. O'Donnell, I'm good, but thanks."