I pulled the zipper of my black cocktail dress with some difficulty. It had been sometime since I wore this one. I was pleased to see it still fit like it used to: hugging my curves at the right places, the thin straps sitting sensually on my shoulders, descending into the promising cleavage of the plunging neckline. It was the definition of an LBD and I loved it. It was short, sexy and black: all of my favourite things. I arranged my hair in an artful mess around my shoulders. It was waist length, growing wildly in waves and gentle curls.
Picking up my purse, I took one last look at the mirror. I didn't know if putting an effort to see your ex was good or bad. Either way, I think he'd be surprised on seeing me. Last we spoke, I was a typical nerdy good girl, wearing tee and jeans everywhere I went and having my nose buried in books for the majority of my time. Now I was completely opposite in some ways. The tees made way for eye grabbing tops and the jeans were replaced by mini skirts. I was never one for makeup. Red lips was the only thing I ever really put effort into.
Satisfied with my inspection, I headed out of the door into my car. I drove myself everywhere. No one was allowed to pick me up, even for dates. It's something that empowered me, in a way.The bar we were meeting at was in the heart of the city. He was in town for about a week and we decided to catch up. He had booked himself a room nearby.
I parked the car in the parking lot and walked over to the ornate doors of the bar. The night was chilly and wind nipped at my bare skin, hardening my nipples into little buds below the silk of the dress.
I walked in and instantly spotted him, sitting at a table by a window overlooking the bustling street. He must've felt me gazing at him, because he looked up from his phone right then and stared right back at me with a look of confusion and poorly concealed awe. I smiled at him and walked over to the table. Taking my seat, I eyed him closely. He hadn't changed a bit. His shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows, showing off his arm tattoos. His hair was still neatly styled and he still smelled of the musky perfume he used two years ago. His stability was one of the things I loved the most about him.
"Hi," he said, somewhat nervously.
"Hi," I replied, at a loss of words.
"You look gorgeous," he said after few seconds of silence, looking me in the eyes.
"Thank you," I said, smiling a genuine smile. "You look good too. You haven't changed one bit."
"But you have," he said, with an undertone that I couldn't recognise.
"Yeah, well..." I shrugged and looked away. I felt him looking at me for a few more seconds before looking away.
The waiter arrived and we ordered our drinks and starters. After the initial awkwardness wore off, the conversation flew smoothly. We still shared the same sense of humour, the witty sarcasms and the occasional kinky comments.
"Oysters! Are you trying to be suggestive, sir?" I giggled with a wink, pointing at his plate.
"Maybe," he replied, with a playful wink and a smile of his own before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"I miss you," he blurted suddenly out after a couple minutes of silence. The hand holding my fork froze midair, spaghetti dangling off it in spirals.
I looked up to meet his eyes. I don't remember him looking so vulnerable ever. He looked at me and looked down at his fingers. He had placed his cutlery on his plate and was toying with his hands in his lap.
I put my fork down and looked down with a sigh. We had broken up about a year and a half ago because long distance wasn't working for us. We decided to end things before they took an ugly turn. It was he who had suggested we do so. The quicker the better.
"I thought this is what you wanted," I said with a sad smile. "I thought you were happier."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking at me from behind his lashes. "I was stupid. I didn't realise how much I cared for you till you were gone," he confessed in a low voice. I wanted to hug him then. He looked like a lost kid.
"Anyways," he straightened himself, clearing his throat. "I shouldn't have brought that up, I'm sorry. It probably ruined your mood. What's in the past should-"
"I miss you too," I cut him off abruptly without even realising it.
Now it was his turn to freeze. He looked up from his plate to stare at me, his mouth agape. He held my gaze, clearly at a loss for words.
"Nothing has been the same for me either," I told him.
It was hard speaking it out loud, accepting that I still cared. I had always convinced myself and everyone around me that I didn't really care. That nothing really bothered me. But somewhere inside I knew that wasn't the truth. Coming out of denial was something I didn't expect facing tonight.
I was toying with my food when he reached across the table and grabbed my left hand. He gave a gentle squeeze and when I looked up, he smiled a smile that silently said
it's okay
.
We finished our food and the waiter cleared our plates. When the bill came, we started arguing over who pays, just like old times.
"It's not a date! And I can pay for my own food!" I complained like a petulant child, crossing my arms across my chest. I don't know what infuriated me more, him not listening me or him laughing at me like doting adults laugh at angry kids.
"It
was
a date and I'm totally gonna pay," he declared, before placing his card in the folder and handing it over to the waiter before I could do or say anything else.
"Hmph," I huffed and looked away. He laughed at me and tapped my nose with his index finger.
"It's okay baby girl, I won't go broke," he said smiling just as the waiter arrived with his card.
I rolled my eyes and stood up to leave. He moved beside me and put his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. The heat from his body seeped into my side, producing a delicious warmth. I sighed and gave in to his embrace. I didn't realise how much I'd missed this until that moment.
We walked into the chilly night arm in arm and I realised it was late and he didn't have a ride.
"I'll drop you off," I said, turning round to him.
"Thank you milady," he smiled and bowed playfully.
I laughed at his silliness and turned to walk to my car, ahead of him. I trotted at a steady pace, with him following behind. My dress barely reached my thighs and I could feel his eyes on my behind.
"Enjoying the view, huh?" I turned around and winked at him.
"Thoroughly," he winked back with a devilish smile.
I walked over to my car, unlocked it and before I could open the door on the driver's side, he closed in from behind me and held it open for me.
"After you ma'am," he said playfully.
I swatted his arm with a laugh and took my seat. He got into the car as well and I drove out of the parking lot. It was only a short drive to the hotel.
I looked over at him while stalling at a red light, surprised that he was looking at me. I smiled and turned towards the road again.
"You know, being in the car with you only reminds me of one thing..." he trailed off.
I knew full well what he was referring to.
It was another winter evening few years back. We were returning from a road trip, both of us incredibly turned on with the way we kept teasing and touching each other constantly. We saw the neon sign of a food court by the highway.
Fuck it
, he mumbled under his breath and drove straight into one of the empty parking spots in the parking lot of the eatery. It was almost deserted at the late hour.
He unbuckled his seatbelt.
Come
, he beckoned me onto his lap, grabbing me by the arm.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed onto his lap, his hardness evident under me. He grabbed me by my ass and pulled me into him.
You've been a naughty girl, darling
, he whispered in my ear, trailing kisses from my earlobe to my collarbone. I couldn't help but moan in pleasure.
I remember I wore a short skirt with thigh high stockings that day. The panties had come off earlier.
He had kissed me fervently, played with me till I all but melted in his arms and then fucked me into oblivion, then and there in the parking lot.
Somewhere in some distant corner of my consciousness, I realised that the signal had turned green. That brought me back to the present. I sighed and started the car. He remained silent the rest of the way.
I parked the car in front of his hotel and waited for him to say goodbye. He looked out of the window for a while and sighed before turning to me.
"Sri, stay with me tonight?" he asked softly.
I looked over at him, at the face I'd loved for so long, the man who used to be my first and last thought everyday, for years. He still had the same earnest eyes, the same tranquil manner about him.
I tore my gaze away and stared into the night to think. I had been with many men since we broke up that fateful day. None of them touched my soul the way he used to. None of them satisfied me, really. Would it be so bad if I selfishly allowed myself to be with him?