Chapter 1 - Marital Compromises
===============================
When Steve and I were married I'd fully expected it was a day that would bring about a number of significant changes to my life. Of course there was the whole marriage thing to absorb but I'm talking more about changes to my personal lifestyle and moral/ethical commitments. If anyone had asked the day before my marriage I would've told them I was completely prepared for marriage. Oh to be so young and naive again!
Not surprisingly for someone with my sexual history, the biggest changes I thought I needed to prepare for had to do with sex. I'd always assumed once I said my wedding vows I'd have sex only with my husband. Well, to be more specific I wouldn't have sex with anyone outside our families. Nothing could ever keep me from satisfying the needs of my father! To put it in more simplistic terms, I wouldn't commit adultery. It's not like there are THAT many men in my family that are into incest so I knew that meant limiting myself to having sex with only a few men which was going to be a MAJOR adjustment. At the same time it's not like I wasn't fully prepared - or at least thought I was.
It was during my college years that my mom thoroughly indoctrinated me with regards to adultery. Her view was pretty simple - adultery was a sin against God, a violation of the Ten Commandments. Even if you could somehow put aside the religious issues (not a viable option for her but just to make a point), adultery was simply not something a "good" wife did. In a manner not so different than a daughter with respect to her father, a wife must submit to her husband and give herself only to his family which was now joined with hers through marriage.
While these limitation seemed rather draconian at first, one thing to keep in mind is that my mom's definition of adultery was also a bit more liberal than most people's. She defined adultery as "sex outside your family" where "family" included members on both sides of the wedding aisle out to and including first cousins, nieces and nephews. She also used the legalistic definition of "sex" which limited it to penetration of a female vagina by a male penis (doesn't matter how much, even the tip of his dick counts). Technically that left groping, grinding and other such activities on the table, even blowjobs although my mom never took advantage of this rather significant "loophole". It was the principle that mattered to her and parsing her words wasn't an excuse to violate the intention of scripture.
So what did all this mean to me in terms of how my life would change after I was married? Not committing adultery meant NOT going out to parties and enjoying myself with whoever was available just for the fun of it. It meant I could no longer go out alone and spend an evening with a married man who was cheating on his wife for the very first time. It even meant no swapping even if the other couple were close friends. While some might consider all this as a significant and harsh sacrifice, not me. I loved Steve unconditionally and I was more than willing to submit myself fully to my new husband, regardless of the consequences and hardships it imposed.
With all those years of preparation you can imagine what a surprise it was to me when shortly after our betrothal Steve told me that he wasn't able to put aside the sexual freedoms of being single. Less than two weeks after our incredible honeymoon he told me that we were going to swap with another couple. Wow, you can imagine what a shock that was to me! Note he didn't ASK me... no, he TOLD me which was perfectly within his rights as my husband.
As I mentioned to some degree before, I consider Steve to be the head of our household and as such I freely submit to his authority as dictated by my Christian beliefs. PLEASE, I don't mean in any way that being submissive means that I'm subordinate to him or otherwise giving in to his every whim. I don't go barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as his personal slave. Indeed, the concept of true biblical marital submission has been terribly twisted by perverted men as a means to put women "in their place" whereas the true scriptural directions promote nothing of the kind. It's a complicated topic and I even wrote an article that's posted in my diary about the true meaning of submission for anyone really interested in such things.
In any case, the bottom line is that Steve wanted to swap with other married couple so either I had to accept his direction or not. Knowing how much Steve loved me I suppose that if I HAD chosen to oppose him that he would've dealt with it but at the same time I think that would also have put a wedge into our new marriage that might never get removed.
So I had to find a way to submit to my husband yet remain true to myself and my own beliefs and ethics. After much consideration and a LOT of prayer, I came to the conclusion that if my mom could define adultery to suit her situation then why couldn't I? Thus I revised her definition slightly by adding, "...without the consent of your spouse." I mean like if Steve was OK with me having sex with other men (actually he was more than OK - he WANTED to watch me), then how can that be considered a bad thing, let alone adultery?
Essentially now that I'm married I've taken the stance that it's a person's INTENT more so than their actions that determine whether or not adultery is being committed. At its core adultery would be me cheating on my husband, not simply having sex with someone else. Cheating is a state of mind, not an action.
Now that we were married and had come to an agreement on the adultery thing, there were basically two options when it came to us having sex with other people. We could either go out on our own alone or do it together - in other words a traditional swap. Interestingly, while I enjoy swapping with other married couples I find that I prefer to spend most of the time in separate rooms rather than having something like a mini orgy. It's sort of the best of both worlds for me in that I'm doing something in conjunction with my husband yet at the same time enjoying the intimacy of being alone with another man.
Some people talk about swapping like you just go out and start talking to another couple and bang, everyone heads for the bedroom and has glorious unrestrained sex. Yeah sure, maybe such things happen in porn movies and stories. Well, I suppose maybe that MIGHT happen in real life if you're really lucky but in my experience nothing works quite that easily. Anyone who just goes out to a club looking to swap had better be prepared to be mugged, raped or who knows what else - even blackmailed.
Chapter 2 - Playing by the Rules
============================
Let me make one thing perfectly clear up front - Steve and I don't NEED to swap for our sexual fulfillment. Indeed, we're both quite happy with the sex life we share. So if that's the case then why bother swapping at all? Indeed, swapping is fraught with all sorts of risks - real and imagined. When we first started my biggest fear about swapping was how to meet people without making it such a huge gamble. Just as I'd never agreed to meet anyone I met in-line, I felt the same when it came to other couples and swapping. Fortunately my Aunt Linda was there to offer us help through a group to which she belonged for years where swapping was much more secure and safe. It didn't hurt that she was a senior member as well.
After her divorce twenty-some years ago my Aunt Linda could've gone out on her own and played the club scene. Instead she chose to become heavily involved in a relatively small local group that enables sexual exchanges between like-minded adults. Think of it as like one of those companies that arranges for Time Share swaps. The only difficult thing, if you can call it that, is that you have to be a member and fully checked out before getting involved with anyone. Gaining membership to such an exclusive organization meant playing by the rules. This wasn't an option - it was a firm, nonnegotiable requirement.
So how do you becoming a member of such a tight-knit community? Well, it certainly isn't like joining Facebook. First, you can't even ask to join - a current member has to recommend you. Then there's the vetting process which I would think makes getting a Top Secret security clearance look easy. ONLY married couples are allowed as members and BOTH husband and wife have to participate. Once a couple is recommended (again, they MUST be married to join, NOT JUST FRIENDS) and it's agreed that they're potential candidate, only then does the process start...
Step 1 - Questionnaires For Each Person
----
As simple as this step may be, from what I hear people have dropped out the moment they see how detailed and in-depth it is, not to mention down right personal. Plus, it's not just a bunch of multiple choice boxes but instead almost entirely composed of essay questions. The expectation is that the applicants will be forthcoming and detailed in their responses. At the top of the questionnaire is a bold-faced warning that there will be no follow-up questions or opportunities to revise your answers once submitted. EVERY question must be answered satisfactorily the first time or the applicants are rejected with no chance to reapply ever again.
Step 2 - Financial/Criminal Record Review
----
Next are though reviews of financial and criminal records. It's amazing at how much information about you is available on-line to anyone willing to fork out a few dollars. Again, the idea is to make sure that they don't have other issues which could cause them to have problems that might lead to discovery of their group activities.