Awkward. It was doubly awkward.
All night I thought about the incident in my office. One moment I would be lost in the thrill and ecstasy of an absolutely gorgeous eighteen year old who had seduced and had her way with me. But the next moment I would be filled with guilt for violating the trust between a student and an educator.
The thing is, something like "this" had never happened to me. It's not as if I am eye candy to women. At 31 years old, I'm neither tall nor short – just five feet eleven. I certainly would never be labeled as muscular. In fact, I used to be quite skinny, but now had filled out a little, but mostly due to frozen pizzas and Taco Bell. I wasn't fat, but carried just a little extra – maybe ten extra pounds – giving me small love handles and just enough belly to hide my ribs.
The truth is, all of my success with women had come as a result of my personality and my sincere interest in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I usually have not had a problem finding companionship, and usually with a rather good looking woman. But it comes as a result of who I am rather than how I look.
But I knew "this" could never happen again. It was wrong. It could ruin my future and it could ruin Rae's future. So the next day, when I got to school, I had my secretary call her to my office.
I was out discussing something with my secretary when she arrived. When Rae saw me look up at her, a big smile came across her face. "Good morning Mr. Z," she said. I'm not sure, but I think she winked at me. I hoped I was wrong because I feared my secretary might notice.
"Hi Rae," I said, "go on in. I'll be in in just a second."
"Sure thing," she said and walked into my office. As she walked by, the profile of her perfectly proportioned body was apparent because of her tight fitting jeans and form fitting white blouse.
After finishing my instructions to the secretary, I followed her into my office. When I entered, I saw her standing at the left side of my desk. Once I got through the door and took a step toward my desk, she stepped behind me and pushed the door shut.
I turned around leaning back and sitting on the front edge of my desk. Rae stood with her back to the door, her hands behind her on the door knob. I saw her turn the lock on the door before brining her hands to the top of her low cut blouse. Undoing the top button, she said, "About yesterday, Mr. Z. ..."
"That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about," I interrupted her.
"Oh, Mr. Z., I'm so glad," Rae said as she took a step forward.
Before she could get any closer, I reached up and gently grasped her arms just below her shoulders, keeping my arms stiff so she could not advance any further. "Yesterday was a big mistake," I said. "We can't let that happen again."
Her entire demeanor deflated. "What do you mean? I know you liked it Mr. Z. And I know you like me."
"Rae," I said, "I'm your school counselor. This isn't right. I can't do this. I'm too old for you.""
"But Mr. Z. ..." she tried to say before I interrupted her.
"Rae, even if I do like you, I can't do anything about it. I could get arrested for what we did yesterday."
"But I'm 18," she replied. "I'm an adult. I consented. You can't get in trouble."
"I'm a teacher. You're a student. I can get fired and my whole career could be ruined," I said, but by this point I had dropped my arms, removing the barrier between us.
Stepping forward into my intimate space and reaching her arms up around my shoulders, "But Mr. Z., you can't say that yesterday didn't mean anything to you. I could tell."
It took all my will power to do what I did next. For I wanted in the worst way to take her in my arms, give her a deep passionate kiss, tell her how beautiful she was, and proceed to plant kisses all over her before making sweet and long and sensitive love to her goddess like body.
Instead, I reached up and pulled her arms from my shoulder, pushing them back to her sides. "I'm sorry, Rae," I said to her. But I couldn't add anymore as I could not bring myself to lie to her with those big sad eyes looking up to me.
After a very long and very awkward silence and stare down, she finally said, "So, are you going to go out with my mother tonight?"
Truth is that my appointment with her mother was just about the last thing on my mind. But it was this appointment that had set off the events the other day. "We're just having coffee," I said. "Nothing else. And besides, what's that got to do with anything."
Rae's look suddenly turned to the all too familiar look of that of a teenager who was confronted with a clueless adult. "Whatever," she said and then turned to go. But the door that she had locked got in the way of her flight.
Quickly I reached for her shoulders and turned her back toward me. "Listen Rae," I said with desperation in my voice, "we need to continue on as we always have. You've come too far. I need you come and see me each week to check in. I don't want you to slide back into the wrong crowd and into drinking again."
"Ok. Fine." She shot back at me and then turned, this time successfully turning the lock and making a hasty exit.
"Well that didn't go so well," I thought to myself. But then I retreated into the state that I had been in since that time at the homecoming dance, the state of repression. Just like that I repressed the feelings I had for Raelene, sexual and otherwise, so that I could carry on with my life.
That evening I did go for coffee with Rae's mother. I assumed that it was mostly a professional appointment, that we would just be talking about Rae. But Rae's intuitions were right. Her mother had invited me to coffee for social reasons.
I arrived first at the "Ground Bean Café." When Rae's mother arrived, I greeted her formally, "Hello Mrs. Bronson," I said.
