Split Tree Resort Remodeled 04

Split Tree Resort Remodeled 04

[It's the Saturday of the resort's big Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, where Coo-Coo actually works, if that hasn't been mentioned yet and the lobby is all abuzz with men and women who have no business attending a Speed Dating event because most of them already have a tan line on their ring finger, but the Split Tre Resort doesn't judge.]

"[Tap, tap, tap] well, this is awkward, so, what would Twiddle Dee do in this situation, I ask myself because I give myself the best answers, hmm? Ah-hah, Twiddle Dee would say the exact same thing, but in a different way, mm-hmm."

[And Coo-Coo is still talking to herself]

"[Tap, tap, tap] attention, resort guests in the lobby, it was my mistake to ask everyone who is here to register for the Speed Dating event tonight, to side shuffle to the left side of the lobby because..."

[Everyone in the crowded lobby, men and woman, hold their position with their heads lowered, while fiddling with their ring finger because (chuckles), nobody wants to admit that they are there for the Speed Dating event]

"[Tap, tap, tap] because what I meant to say so loudly out loud, was would everyone who is here in the lobby, who is interested in the complimentary beverages and appetizers, that will be oddly enough served by coincidence at the same time as the Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, which is where I actually work, tonight between 8pm and 11pm, please side shuffle step to the left, thank you. And there was this one time when I was going to sit on creek's crossing bridge and dangle my toes in the flowing creek water, but then I didn't because I was late for work."

[Everyone in the lobby side step shuffles to the left so fast that the earth wobbled momentarily, even though nobody was there for the Speed Dating interviews event. Well, everyone except for the Pastor's wife, who stood her ground in her perfectly acceptable Pastor's wife dress and her cream sweater shawl draped over her shoulders.]

"[Tap, tap, tap] ahh, that's better, next! And I'm looking at you, you with the perfectly streaked big city blonde hair, who thinks that looking shyly downwards works when it comes to being called next in line, mm-hmm. And there was this one time when I was going to take a golf cart and have a romantic ride around the resort grounds with a boyfriend date, but then I didn't because I didn't have a boyfriend date."

"[Hah, at least I have a boyfriend date back home, you coo-coo clock! Ding, ding, ding] well, I'm Julie and I'm prepared to speak softly about a couple of things and then to speak normally about a couple of things and then to speak loudly about a couple of things, so, where shall we start, hmm?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, we always start with me. Hello, I'm Coo-Coo and I'm normally Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, but today I'm temporarily filling in at the front desk for Twiddle Dee, yet again, because she's off taking drone flying pilot lessons. And this one time, I thought that a flaming meteor hit the resort, but then I didn't because it was just the nightly bonfire flames. And we can just skip past how you want to speak loudly so everyone can hear you say that you and your cabin mate girlfriend, Luci, are not here this weekend for the Speed Dating event, mm-hmm. I mean, so far, the resort is suspiciously sold out for tonight and with a perfect mix of men and women, yet nobody is here for the Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, mm-hmm. Which is where I actually work, if I haven't mentioned that, so?"

"Well, I mean, well, fine, so, speaking softly then, what's the process like, hmm? And as you just said, we can skip right past the part about how it's no fair of the women to pop a boob out during the 5 minutes dating speed interviews because for some reason, there are rule boards about hat nailed everywhere, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] I mean [Coo-Coo lets the hammer and nails in her hand drop], well..."

"But the illustration of the mysterious woman with a boob popped out in oil paint is framing worthy and very meme like and the resort should sell them in the giftshop, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, we have a reclusive and elusive visiting artist onsite for an extended stay and she thought that my crudely painted signs needed a little pazazz. Anyways, shall I start with how during the 5 minutes speed interview, where the woman says she likes long walks on the beach, that she actually means the longer they walk, the better chance she has of finding someone better, hmm? Or shall I start with how when the man says he wants to wait to start a family so they can enjoy being a carefree couple, that he actually means he wants as much sex that he can get from you before he dumps you for the grocery store's meat counter lady's daughter, the girl next door, when she breaks up with her boyfriend date, hmm?"

"[Julie] oh, well then, Coo-Coo cha choo, it's silly of me for thinking that a good place to start would be with what to do with the single rose on the interviewing tables because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, if the woman wants to explore with the guy further, she picks up of the single stemmed rose and places it in the thin glass vase of water as if to say 'yay' and if the woman wishes to say 'nay', then she dips the single stemmed rose into the flame of each of the table's candles and flings the flaming rose at the dart board, mm-hmm! Also, that just reminded me to nail a dart board up in the Community Hut so the wall doesn't catch on fire, which is where I actually work if I haven't mentioned that [leans over and picks the hammer and nails back up], so?"

"[Julie] um, yeah, you've mentioned that a couple of times now, you Coo-Coo (bird). Anyways..."

[The Pastor's wife heard enough and waited long enough and soft shuffles in her sensible flats towards the front desk]

"[Ding, ding, ding] mm-hmm, I'm Pastor Jim's wife and I haven't even checked in yet and I already want to fill out a compliant card [looks around], so where I find one of those cards, hmm? And by the way, Missy, I've been known to murmur 'mm-hmm' up to five times in a row, so?"

[Pastor Jim's wife stood there in her Pastor's wife long and unwrinkled dress and with her sweater shawl over her shoulders, while holding her purse in front of her with both hands like she was a throwback model from a 70's magazine cover]

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm [tap, tap, tap] and I see in my system that the Pastor's wives revival retreat is right on schedule, starting at 4pm in the Community Hut, which where I normally work, and ending by 7pm, before the free wheeling 'sign me up for sex' meet and greet starts, so, Pastor Jim's wife, what's the problem because everything seems to be on schedule, hmm?"

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and while you were babbling on and on while trying to organize all these free-wheeling Speed Dating male and female cheaters, mm-hmm, I took a stroll around the Community Hut, which where I understand that you normally work, to check things out for our revival retreat and mm-hmm, a male staffer poked his head out of the resort's laundry room and had the audacity to ask me if myself and the other Pastor's wives would be staying over and my compliant is that I didn't even know how to respond to that because that young man needs a very, very stern talking too, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm and before the other Pastor's wives arrive, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, well, Pastor Jim's wife, if you're asking for my permission to casually stroll back over to the laundry room and knock on the door and kick it a couple of times before you lean pose against the wall for a perfect quick pre-scolding arm hooking inside and all, I mean [makes a sign with her hands, but not a tradition cross sign, more of the tradition blow job hand sign], what do you want from me, especially since a quick arm hooking is how the Pastor's do it while they are away at Alter Boy camp, so?"

"Well, I never! (Giggles) I mean, I never thought I'd ask for permission after I've already done the sinfully dirty deed because as persuasive as that young man named Toby was, he gave me a chance to get away, but I couldn't resist the sins of flesh, especially since Pastor Jim went rogue fag on me the week before our wedding, mm-hmm! Now [eyes in dreamland after finally having sex after so long], I just confessed and revealed my repentance, so, go all 'tap, tap, tap' and cleanse my soul, sweetie. Also, is there a utility room or a garage or a hay barn cabin or a gaming cave or a..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] next!"

[With the raspberry and blueberry lights flashing and the cow bell siren a banging, in pulls one of the two townships squad cars, sputtering to a stop. And it sputtered to a stop because it's a V8 engine, but all the township could afford at the last tune up was six spark plugs]

"[A bumbling cop stumbles and trips through the lobby's double doors] pardon my interruption, folks, but I'm Sherriff McDuff [trips again and does a double front barrel roll and a slip sliding splits, but lands upright] and there is no need for alarm over why I'm here, so, everyone at ease, but stay frosty because I'm Sherriff McDuff and you can't call my bluff."

[Um, nobody in Speed Dating registration line to the left barely even noticed Sherriff McDuff's arrival because the Speed Dating event seems to have kicked off early. And the Pastor's wife already slipped out of the side door anyways to find the tool shed]

"[Tap, tap, tap] hello, Sheriff McDuff, I'm Coo-Coo and I'm normally Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, but there was this one time when I thought about walking up the stairsteps in my cabin, but then I didn't because only the new cabins have upper floor lofts and I stay in a remodeled original cabin that doesn't have an upper-level loft. Anyways, No-Bluff Sheriff McDuff, how may I go ahead and reject your advances differently than how Twiddle Dee has rejected your advances over the past several seasons, hmm?"

[Coo-Coo takes a moment to scroll through the list of Speed Dating attendees and finds the Sherriff's wife, Minnie, listed and her personal interests are identified as 'looking for a nightstick that still works' along with 'don't be offended if I scream out 'next' like Coo-Coo does because you can get back in line' and everyone's favorite 'mm-hmm, I'm in an open marriage whether the hubby knows that or not']

"Well, well, well, listen to what Sherriff has finally made the resort's female staffers gossip loop [pulls pants up, which is exactly the same as wrestling his pants up] and who can blame anyone when any of y'all hot little staffer chickadees when you can have all this!"

[Waves his two hands down his powdered sugar donut shape molded body, which an overweight middle age guy should never do]

"But that love fest orgy in the hay bale barn cabin will have to wait because I have a list of offenses that I've written on the palm of my hand to follow up on and even though I said for everyone to relax, a few people may be visiting the county hoosegow tonight, so, nobody move!"

[Huh, everybody in the lobby, who were not there for the Speed Dating event in the Community Hut, which is where Coo-Coo actually works, started to side shuffle and split in a scurry flurry of a hurry]

"Because I'm Sherriff McDuff, so, don't call my bluff!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] Sherriff 'never to be seen in the buff' McDuff, would you mind getting to the point because not only am I Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, I'm a little busy here! And there was this one time when I thought I stepped on a bug, but then I didn't because I actually stepped over the little bug, so?"

"OMG, talk about first in line for a night in the hoosegow! Fine, you sassy ass little Missy, read this list of offenses that I'm here to address, resolve and still get my bribe!"

[Please No Buff, Sherriff McDuff extends the palm of his hand with the official list of offenses written on it, right into Coo-Coo's face! But without much fanfare because the Sherriff wrote the list of follow up offenses across his black leather cop glove with black ink!]

"[Tap, tap, tap] Sherriff McDuff, I didn't wear my sexy oversized invisible ink glasses today, so, there was this one time..."

"[Turns palm towards himself and notices the problem] rats, foiled again by my very own hand and it's a crime how many different ways I mean that! Anyways, offense follow up #1, uh-huh, it's been rumored as fact that the..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it's been rumored so hard that it's a fact that the perps involved in the recent crime spree up in the big city of robbers robbing robbers, have been rumored to have headed south to hide out somewhere our deep woods, which is not exactly the same as cabin 3, hmm?"

[Coo-Coo secretly uses the resort's internal DM system to warn cabin 3 to lay low]

"Grr, grr [clinches vibrating fists] a big break like that might get me a full tank of gas in my squad car and get the two broken cylinders in my squad car's engine fixed so it's a V8 again! Fess up, coo-coo cha choo coo-coo bird and confess everything that you know about the Lady Vipers, the goth girls crew and their high-speed Mo-T-Sickles, who loiter outside of the 'Stop & Rob' convenience store up in the big city, to rob the people who rob the people who rob the 'Stop & Rob' convenience store with their flinging, clinking and swooshing butterfly knives, so, spill it all and I'll chase dem there black eyeliner hoochies down and I have enough gasoline in my V8 minus 2 squad car to high-speed chase them down for six big city blocks! And still collect my bribe."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it's flinging, clinking and swishing butterfly knives, not swooshing, Sheriff McDuff, the butterfly knives go all 'swish, swish, swish' in cabin 3, so?"

"Dag nab it, confess! Where are the Lady Vipers holding up? Say it true, Coo-Coo Cha Choo Coo-Coo, and I'll make sure that you get first pick of the hoosegow's nightie babydoll black & white uniforms tonight! And I'll still get my bribe!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] go about your business, Sherriff McDuff, but don't mistake the resort's two weekend security guards, who have been hired to protect the doubled up brown paper lunch bag that holds the resorts weekend payroll because they are not dem there hoochies that you're on the hunt for, the end! And there was this one time when I thought about wiping the steam from the mirror after a shower, but then I didn't because I know what I look like with my hair wet and then there was this other one time, when I found out that hoochie Lady Viper Victoria has an annoying step brother, age 20 1/2, with long wavey hair, who is shy, meek, quite mild and rides his own high-speed motorcycle because..."

"Ah-hah, Coo-Coo McCoo! I have just enough information now to snatch those high-speed Mo-T-Sickle riding hoochies of their freedom and then you will still pay me with my bribe and that's right, my bribe involves a hole for my nightstick pole!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] huh, Sherriff McDuff, that's almost exactly the same thing as to what your wife said, but in reverse! Anyways, hold please for your bribe. [Squeak, squawk] attention, staffer Dolly Donut, do you have any extra donuts this morning, you know, stale donuts with holes in them, over?"

"[Squeak, squawk] oh, I do, Coo-Coo because I thought the Sheriff's wife ordered a dozen powdered sugar donuts, but as it turned out, she ordered a dozen sugar daddies instead and she kicked me out of her revolving door cabin! And, OMG, we're still hours away from the Speed Dating event where the Sheriff's wife is going to say 'yes' to literally everyone by dipping her stemmed rose in her (bleep) like it was a vase of water! I'll be right there with the stale bribing donuts, you, over."

"Hey, wait a minute, you, kooky crazy coo-coo ca choo coo-coo clock, because I'm the Sheriff and the Sheriff's wife is my wife and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] next!"

[Boom, boom, boom, crashing through the lobby's double doors in dramatic fashion while carrying two fully loaded garment bags over his shoulder]

"Don't judge me, folks, because it's not my fault that I'm Dan, the delivery man, but rather pray with me now for I have sinned as I'm sinning now, for I have delivered the devil's work, gather around and pray with me, I say [glances around, but nobody is moving]"

[Dan the delivery man hangs the two garment bags over the resort's bellboy luggage and garment bag rack and unzips them because guest privacy is important, but he doesn't work there, so who cares]

"Dare I say it, my friends, I have seen the end of days and this weekend, the end of days will be at least two half-moons, my friends, count them side by side, two perfect half-moons, patrolling the resort's street in Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom fashion and patrolling the Community Hut and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] which is where I actually work, Dan the delivery man of the faith."

[Oh, Coo-Coo has an eye for the corny delivery of Dan the delivery man, huh?]

"Has the Hut ever saw the skull & cross bones peeking out from the fully unzipped leather jackets, my friends, praise with me and grant me the strength to resist, my friends, the security guard uniforms of the future and who knows what surprises await the protection of the sands of the bonfire pond, sing it with me my friends [peeks open one eye and nobody is singing] because the skull & cross bones are matched undies lingerie and bikinis, my friends, all sewn by the devil himself [raises his arms towards the skies], it is the end of days, my friends and the doom of all men, say it loud and peek with me with devil's uniforms these two garment bags hold in store."

[His man of faith delivery is a little corny, but he's getting his 15 minutes of fame from those left in the lobby sure enough, including from Coo-Coo]

"Who here will save me since I have foreseen the rising heave of the lower globes, my friends, I have foreseen the gentle bouncing of the two, count them, two short pleated skirts that barely cover the bright half-moons, my friends, who here will pray for me as I have foreseen the wobbly bounce of the right skull and dare I say it now, the wobbly bouncing of the left cross bones, save me from my visions, my friends [peeks out again and his 15 minutes of fame is fading]"

[Yeah, nobody bought that crap, yet. Well, Coo-Coo was getting Goo-Goo eyes]

"As I have seen the visions, my friends, I ask you now [raises both arms in wailing fashion again] to show me the way, show me the errors of my ways as all I can think about are the sins of the flesh, surround me, ladies and tell me that I'm wrong with what's contained within these devil's luggage bags, my friends, as the poison apples will be my torture as they may not be fully contained by the skimpy skull * cross bone tops, save me and show me the way."

[Oh, and now a few women want a peek inside of the garment bags, huh? Mm-hmm!]

"And who dares to challenge the heavens, the heavens, I say, my friends, with leather jackets that are never meant to be zipped up, day or night, save yourselves from the onslaught of fire and brimstone that's a coming, my friends and turn your eyes away from the shoulder chain accents and the oversized safety pins, repent, repent and show me the way so I can deliver the matching boots, repent!"

[Wow, because there was this one time when Coo-Coo thought a man of the faith might make for a good boyfriend date...]

"No, seriously, Miss Itty-Bitty-Titties behind the front desk, who is my number two right now, show me the way to the cabin of these two hot goth security guard chicks, who, I say, praise be, may answer the cabin door in their morning bras because there's a chance that each of them might have three, count them, three stem stalks of raw Asparagus tucked in between their morning bras, which would make me vibrate right there and then on the porch because..."