Split Tree Resort Spice 01
Hello, I'm Rodger and this story starts out with some advice about sitting on the couch and becoming completely engulfed in sports on TV and not paying attention to what else is going on around you because unexpected surprises are always looming just behind you and they have a habit of...
"Rodger, honey, mm-hmm, we need to talk."
And now I'm introducing my lovely, yet sneaky wife, Luanne, 27, same as me.
"Listen, honey, we need to talk because plenty of people have told me that this was coming and I think we would both agree that after six plus years of marriage, I mean, a little spice in our bedroom life might save things, so, love of my life, I'm not saying our sex life has become stale or anything like that, not at all, but I'm giving you a blank, yet signed free pass to conjure up your line up list of internet anime babes and I promise to do my part to um, bring the spice in costume, so? And to help keep you from struggling with your thoughts, your list can be the internet versions of the anime babe or babes of your choice and not the scrawny TV series or family anime movie characters, so, honey, go!"
Well, well, well, talk about how I did not see that coming!
"OMG, Luanne, I love you too and maybe we could use a little spice in the bedroom, but you can't expect me to develop such a spicy list in my head with three seconds of notice! But off the top of my head, I mean, I'd marry Aunt Cass, yet carry on a long-term fling affair with Ann Possible, which would allow me to 'accidently' slip into her daughter's bedroom, Kim Possible, a couple of times a month because that little super hero cheerleader just defines the spice with her bubble butt and it might seem weird, but I always personally deliver a package to Maddy Fenton since it was 'accidently' delivered to our porch, especially on pool cleaning day since that's when Maddy wears her amazing slingshot green bikini, but then I would hurry home because you hired Dexter's Mom to clean our house while wearing her famous rubber yellow gloves. Oh, and then, of course, that Saturday, at the beach, which Trudy Trudell drove us to, I'd sponsor a 'stretched to the max' challenge between Wendy Corduroy and her famous red lifeguard swim suit and Helen Parr and her battle uniform and I mean, if the judge was Raven, with her alluring grayish skin and killer leotard battle uniform, I mean, if Raven were to sit on my lap while she was judging, I mean, nobody has a booty like the internet Raven has booty and then all that leads up to flirting with Spider Gwen at the water cooler at work on the following Monday, which is right across from the utility room and all and since Spider Gwen figured out this weird way of holding herself to the wall with her squirting spiderweb goo strings and then after that, I mean, I stop by the Lava Java Coffee Shop where Annie Hughes has taken over as the manager, even though she constantly forgets to wear anything under her green coffee serving apron, I mean, honestly honey, I need more than a minute to come up with something worthy of a spice it up free pass, Luanne, sheesh!"
"Well, OMFG, Rodger! And by OMFG, I mean, what the fuck because I was expecting to hear you say to hear you say something like Little Bopeep with her frilly sleeves and her white nylons or maybe even Little Red Riding Hood with her sexy red caped outfit, so, sheesh back at you, Rodger!"
Oh (chuckles), did I say too much, folks? Was I supposed to hold something back?
"(Chuckles) or, or, or, sweetie, you could purchase some breathable deep ocean blue body paint and paint yourself deep ocean blue from head to toes and put some older sheets on the bed this weekend, so?"
"Well, just when I thought I was done with screaming out, OMFG, Rodger! Anyways, does this deep ocean blue lady have a name, hmm?"
"Um, Mystic."
"OMFG, of course it is! Because what's so mysterious about a naked blue lady, right? But I'll look into a couple of things because we are not becoming a stale and drifting apart Middleton couple and we're spicing up our bedroom life, come hell or come high water, mm-hmm!"
"Oh, well then, Luanne, have fun shopping at the Costume Shop on the Strip and you know, don't walk past the Tinkerbell rack too quickly, the college aged Tinkerbell costume rack, with the fringes at the bottom of her Fairy costume is about all that covers her booty, I mean, your booty, so, I mean, look around, Luanne (chuckles) and pick out whatever you like, so?"
"Well, I mean, you might get lucky there, Rodger because Tinkerbell has the best color of green and it is quite shiny, but don't get too excited just yet because...
"[Gently drifts down the hallway from the bedrooms] hey guys, I just put your little Jimmy down for his nap and OMG, Mrs. Landers, I see what you mean about how little Jimmy sees a boob, any boob, as a meal, sheesh [fiddles with T-Shirt to prove to Mrs. Landers that she is wearing a bra.] Anyways, what are you two arguing about, I mean, talking about this time, hmm?"
"[Spies the babysitter to make sure she had a bra on because little Jimmy is definitely going to be a boobs man later in life and the babysitter needs to stay in her lane] well, we're just talking about real life marriage stuff, that's all, Lisa, so?"
"Well, it's not like eavesdropping on the two of you doesn't bring to mind [extends hand to collect that babysitting cash] about how a 'spice it up' weekend away might calm things down around here, so?"
Um, folks, I had nothing to with the hiring of 20 years old Lisa as our babysitter. I mean, I didn't fight it either, but I didn't start it.
"Hmm [the wife swoops down onto the hubby's lap before the babysitter could because there may have been a suspicion or two over the last year] well, I'll dig your babysitting cash out of the hubby's pocket for you, Lisa, mm-hmm because..."
Oh, my other advice, leave the room, like quick!
"Alright, everyone, just relax and I'll retrieve the money from my other pants in the bedroom, sheesh."
And (chuckles), eavesdrops back in the hallway. I mean, I perched my ear up against little Jimmy's room to make sure he was sleeping, um, that's what I meant to say.
