Believe it or not, it took me years to get over the fact that I had gotten married. Unlike many of my friends, I had no desire to marry. It just wasn't something I wanted. I didn't want to be anyone's wife. I wasn't cut out for that sort of thing. Besides, I knew I would make a terrible wife. I was feisty and very temperamental, and I knew I was hard to get along with, thats why my relationships never lasted long.
My main concern with getting married was that I had doubts that I could remain faithful. My concerns were well warranted, as I had cheated on pretty much every guy that I had ever dated, including my fiancé. It wasn't something I was proud of; in fact, I often felt remorseful and guilty, yet it continued to happen.
In my mid to late twenties, it seemed that I had entered this period of lost time. It felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone. Time washed over me, and I was carried away against my will or desire. I felt I had no choice or say in the direction of my life. Maybe it was destiny or fate.
One day I woke up and I was married. What the fuck happened? How did I get here?
When my husband first proposed to me, it was a train wreck. His proposal caught me by surprise, and I freaked out and behaved badly. We actually broke up for a period. Eventually we got back together, and I accepted his second proposal. That was when things began to snowball. Dates were set, invitations were sent out, and plans were put into motion. I felt like I was being swept away, and I had no say in the matter. What made it worse was that I had no one to talk to about my feelings or my infidelity concerns. Obviously, it wasn't something I wanted to discuss or reveal. I felt alone in my struggles.
Throughout the entire time I was dating my husband, I always had guy friends. He travelled on business even when we were dating. This resulted in many lonely evenings, and, well, I did cheat on him. At the time, I suspected he was playing around while away on business. I had no proof of this, but there were small telltale signs. Besides, don't most men cheat when away on business? So I used these suspicions as justification for my actions. Oddly enough, at the time, I felt no guilt or regret.
Once we were engaged and I moved in with him, I had a six-month fling with his older brother leading up to our wedding date. Despite the fact that this was by far the hottest sex I'd ever had, I felt terrible about the affair. The implications, if he found out, were grave. I was guilt-ridden, but I couldn't stop. I really did nothing to initiate the affair, but I also did nothing to stop it. I was weak and I surrender to him.
I seriously contemplated not going through with the wedding. But I was swept up in the whole wedding thing, and I did not have the courage to walk away.
After we were married, I tried very hard to be the faithful young wife. I made a very conscious effort to keep busy. When my husband was out of town, I worked long hours. When I got bored, I would visit with girlfriends, go shopping, etcetera. But I still had guys contacting me and tempting me. I suppose they didn't get the memo that I was now married...or did they?
About four months into our marriage, we had our first big fight. We had just come back from visiting my parents and I was pissed at how my husband was interacting with my younger sister. I'm not typically a jealous person, but now that we were married I was demanding more respect. His goo-goo eyes and flirtation behaviour towards her rubbed me the wrong way. My unstable temperament erupted into red hot anger. During the course of accusations he let it slip that there was more to his relationship with my sister. I pounced on his insinuation until he confessed that he had sex with her when she was much younger. This was a moral blow to me and it ended the fight with my heart being broken. This changed everything.
He later explained that it happened when we first started dating. He went to the house to meet me but I was running late at work. He was alone with my then sixteen year old baby sister and he 'slipped'. But it was only that one time he insisted.
Yeah, sure it was only one time. But that revelation opened my eyes. There were so many odd instances that occurred over the years that I just shrugged off, but now the dots were starting to connect.
I told him that I would never have married him if I knew. I was also contemplating divorce, but hell we had only just gotten married.
I later recalled an incident that happened on our wedding day and now it was coming into focus.
We had a small wedding reception at a hotel. Towards the end of the reception I noticed my husband had disappeared for a longer than acceptable amount of time. Oddly my sister was also nowhere to be found also. Upon his return I questioned him and he said all was fine and that he went up to our room to use the bathroom. Strangely my sister avoided me the rest of the evening.
I thought no more of it until the end of the night when we returned to our honeymoon suite. I immediately noticed the bed wasn't pristinely made up like it was before the reception. In the bathroom I noticed a flower pedal on the floor, the same type of flower that my maid of honour (my sister) had pinned to her gown.
Again I just filed it away and changed into my sexy wedding night outfit. When I came out of the bathroom my husband was half asleep in the bed. Despite my sexual encouragement he wasn't interested in sex, complaining that he drank too much and he was exhausted. I didn't see him drinking very much but again it was a long and exhausting day so I let it go.
I later wondered if my sister had sex with my new husband on our wedding night instead of me?
So I came to realize that me getting married wasn't destiny or fate after-all, it was karma coming back to bite me in the ass for my past indiscretions.
