Emotional Turmoil
When my twentieth year began I anticipated changes but one thing I didn't anticipate is that my boyfriend of two years and then my fiance, Corey Daniels, would meet another woman and move in with her. It happened while he was in Chicago for a summer internship and a special fall program at the University of Chicago.
Perhaps the worst thing was that he didn't have the guts to tell me himself. Instead he relied on his mother to give me the news.
At first I didn't believe it but when I realized it was true I went home in an almost catatonic state. My mother came in and brought me to consciousness and I broke into tears. She sat calmly and quietly with me as I poured out my sadness.
The next day I experienced a torrent of conflicting emotions usually separately but often more than one at the same time.
I was angry. Sometimes I was angry at Corey, why would he do this, was he just looking for sexual pleasure, couldn't he have explained that he was engaged, he was sometimes a naive fool, you'd think he could muster the courage to explain himself to me ... . Sometimes I was angry at this other woman, about whom I knew nothing, Was she just seducing guys from out of town, why would she seduce an engaged man, maybe she had found out about his huge cock and wanted to have it for herself ... . Sometimes I was angry at myself, I had been too controlling and driven him away, I should have known that a guy whose first sex was with me would ultimately want someone else, maybe if I had paid more attention to his desires instead of my own ... . I was angry at Corey's mother, she should have put a stop to this nonsense, she should have insisted Corey talk to me so I could help him get over it, maybe she was lying to me ... .
I was despondent. I was irritable. I was catatonic. I decided the whole thing was false. I decided Corey meant nothing to me. I threw pillows around my room and then laid down to cry. I stopped crying and stared, unthinking into space. I yelled at my sister Cathy when she opened the door to see if I was okay after a pillow had sent a lamp crashing to the floor. I kicked the pillow at her! I screamed in rage and pain. I whispered nonsense to myself. I refused all the food my mother offered. I slept.
The following day, Monday, I had my mother call me in sick to Dr Jacobs (I am his medical assistant). The emotional thrill ride continued at a somewhat lower level, My rage against everyone but Corey and that 'witch with a B' he was with subsided. I spent most of the day in bed and managed not to throw a single pillow. I also let my mom bring me lunch and forced myself downstairs to dinner where I sat quietly glaring at the family, daring them to speak to me.
Tuesday, mom told me that I should call Dr Jacobs myself. I told the receptionist I was still not feeling well and later Dr Jacobs called.
"Susan, what's the problem? Perhaps you should come in so I can check you out and get you healthy. I have an ulterior motive, I need you."
"I'm not sick Dr. Jacobs," I admitted. "It's Corey, he broke up with me and moved in with another woman. I just can't come in. I'm too upset."
"Susan, we need to talk, hold on a minute."
He came back on and said, "Irene is clearing my schedule around lunch. We'll go out and talk. Please be here at noon."
I agreed to go. Dr Jacobs has taken a big interest in me ever since I decided to become an MD. He helped me decide to go to USC for pre-med and gave me the medical assistant position to help with my finances. He keeps trying to get me agree to share his practice and take over after he retires.
I dressed without thinking and had to do it over when Cathy laughed at my horizontal stripe and plaid combination.
I got in the car to drive to lunch and realized it was Corey's car. He had loaned it to me to use while he was gone. I fought back the rage and the fear that I would have to give it up.
On the way I remembered that Corey's father had set up a trust fund for me as Corey's fiance to pay for most of my education expenses. Now that we were no longer engaged would I have to give it up? I didn't see how I could pay for USC if I lost that. Fear and anger returned and I fought them all the way to Dr, Jacobs'.
Irene directed me to Dr. Jacobs' office when I arrived and I waited, sullenly, in the guest chair.
He came in a little after noon. "Not bad," I thought. Usually by noon he over a half hour behind in his appointments.
Are you ready?" he asked quietly.
"Yes, I guess so," I answered uncertainly.
On the way out to his car he asked how I was feeling.
"Not too well," I said. "I'm driving Corey's car while he's gone, and ..." I couldn't finish. Tears filled my eyes and my throat dried up.
Dr. Jacobs held the door for me and I sobbed quietly as he drove. "I've made reservations at 'The Beefsteak'," he told me.
I was surprised and managed some words, "Isn't that a place where people having affairs meet?" I wondered what he had in mind.
"Well it does have that reputation, it's supposed to be used for all kinds of clandestine meetings because of its dim lighting, large well padded booths and a parking lot invisible from the street. I am taking you there to have a quiet, private conversation where no-one can notice that your eyes are red from tears."
"Oh," I commented. I the back of my mind I still wondered if he planned to make a pass at me. That seemed so unlike him, he had plenty of opportunity. But maybe he was waiting for Corey to be out of the picture.
"I often take patients there when I have certain kinds of bad news to impart."
"Like cancer or death?" I asked.
"Not usually that serious, more on the order of 'your recent heart attack means you will have to give up the steak and ice cream you love so much'."
"Isn't a steak house a poor choice of places to tell patients they have to give up steak?"
Dr Jacobs laughed, "I'm happy to see you still have your sense of humor and aren't completely absorbed with your break-up."
I didn't tell him that I hadn't asked out of a sense of humor but rather because it seemed sort of cruel to me.
Going into 'The Beefsteak' on a sunny afternoon was like walking into total darkness. Even after my eyes adjusted I couldn't make my way around the place. I could barely make out the menu in the dim candlelight.
"They have several good fish and chicken meals as well as a decent salad selection," Dr. Jacobs said. "I can use the menu to point out healthy alternatives to those heart patients you were concerned about."
I wasn't hungry and only ordered vegetable soup. As we waited for our order I asked, "Why did you invite me here Dr, Jacobs?"
"Susan, you know I have taken a real interest in you."
"Sure, you've been a big help. helping me pick USC, giving me a job in your office. And you're always hinting about taking over your practice."
"And I'm serious about that too." Then he continued, "Susan I want you to be the best. Not just good,
the best
. And not just the best you can be,
